


Turn Your Face

by secretpen28



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 88,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretpen28/pseuds/secretpen28
Summary: COMPLETE *Sequel to More Like Her* Emily and Alison return back to Rosewood for the summer between their Junior and Senior year for a reason less than ideal. What will this couple do when the world they've carefully pieced back together is blindsided by another tragedy? Rated T for language, drug use, and some sexual themes. Should read MLH prior to this story, but can also stand alone.
Relationships: Alison DiLaurentis/Emily Fields
Kudos: 9





	1. All Too Well

**A/N: THIS STORY IS A SEQUEL. For anyone who hasn't read More Like Her, I would recommend going to read it first, but I am also going to try to make it as much of its own story as I can!**

**Chapter Title Song: All Too Well - Taylor Swift**

* * *

May 13, 2023

I've always been partial to sunsets. From the way the sky appears to go on forever until you can see the light curve on the edges of the Earth, to the sparkle of the pinks and yellows that fade just below the horizon, sunsets have always had a way of both mystifying me and bringing me back to reality. None of these compared to the way the light shaped Emily's face through my windshield though, a slight shadow covering her eyes while her jawline and delicately plump lips had a slight hint of light accentuating them. Her eyes were closed beside me as we continued making our way across the Midwest back to Rosewood.

Life had continued rather swiftly from the time Emily and I restarted our relationship. Even with the usual struggles that take place, there was no one else I could ever imagine creating these memories with. She revolutionized the way I looked at myself and the way I could love another person. She took a heart that was so bruised and tattered, and spent the past few years piecing it back together with every dose of kindness she could manage to find. Compared to high school though, college had been far easier to deal with... at least up to this point.

The end of Junior year had brought us to a crossroads so for the first time in our 3 years at college, Emily and I had packed up an entire car full to travel back for the summer. Usually, instead of the 10-hour trek back home, Emily and I could easily place our things in storage and fly home from Chicago in just over an hour. Considering that this time around that wasn't an option, and as we had made the long trip only twice since we started college, my brain had no choice but to wander back to us leaving in this same packed car 3 years earlier.

* * *

_Leaving entirely too early on a Wednesday could only be Emily's idea. Despite our move-in dates not being until Friday, Emily insisted on leaving two days early for our ten-hour drive. Hoping to save myself as much time as possible, I packed up my half of the car the night before so that I could roll out of bed and go straight to Emily's._

_Mr. Fields was already on the front lawn as I rounded the corner which caused him to quickly turn back toward his house to run up the stairs and get Emily and Mrs. Fields. Just as I was leaning into the back seat to rearrange everything from the night before, I felt a pair of arms slink their way around my waist._

_"Hey there," Emily whispered in my ear._

_I maneuvered my way out from inside the car as I spun around in her arms, "Hey yourself! Are you ready babe?" I replied as Emily placed her lips on my forehead nodding. I linked my hand in hers as I closed the back door to walk over to the Fields'. "Mr. and Mrs. Fields, thank you so much for trusting me to get Em to school safely. I can only imagine how hard it would be to say goodbye right now."_

_"Alison, if anything we should be thanking you. With me shipping back off to Texas tomorrow and Pam not really enjoying flying alone at all, you are a lifesaver." Mr. Fields replied._

_"Yeah, Ali, we really do appreciate it." Mrs. Fields continued, pulling me in for a hug._

_The past year and a half had brought the Fields family and me closer. Despite the falling out between Emily and her mom, as time passed and it was increasingly apparent that Emily and I were staying together long-term, our relationship became easier to accept. In the few times I had the privilege of seeing Mr. Fields when he was back from deployment, he had taken me under his wing. In my opinion, this was mostly due to my father having limited to no contact with me, and Mr. Fields always having a strong desire to ensure that I knew I had people to take care of me, even if somehow Emily and I broke up. But for me, Mr. Fields was the only source of guidance I had over the past year. Of course, I still had Jason, but with the passing of my mom 3 years ago, the Fields' were all I had left. In fact, last night before packing up everything into the early morning hours, I spent a majority of the evening saying goodbye to them over a Fields' Family Tuesday dinner._

_"Thank you, Alison. For everything." Mrs. Fields remarked as she pulled away from our hug._

_Emily and I switched hugging partners as her father opened her arms for me. With his arms wrapped around me, he talked into my ear, "Take care of yourself, Alison, and please take care of my little girl. She is in the most capable hands and I trust that you will protect her just as I would if I were there,." Pulling away from our hug, his hands held me an arm's length away, "And never forget everything we talked about, okay?"_

_I nodded as I wiped underneath my eyes to prevent any tears from falling while glancing towards Emily, immediately noting the confusion in her eyes. "Thanks, you guys." I held Emily's hand tightly in my own as my hands covered hers on both sides. "We'll see you at Thanksgiving."_

_"And Alison, feel free to stay with us over Thanksgiving, dear. I'm sure that the renters will still be there, right?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I know that Jason will be checking in on the house frequently, but it would be extremely helpful if you could drive by every so often, Mrs. Fields?"_

_"Of course. Don't even worry about it."_

_"Thanks so much." I finished, as I politely waved goodbye walking towards the driver's side of the car._

_I watched as Emily hugged each of them goodbye once more. Mrs. Fields fought back the tears as Emily wiped away tears of her own. Opening the car door though, she had a hint of a smile on her lips._

_"How are you doing, Em?"_

_"I'm… I'm okay." She took a deep breath before lacing her hand with mine once more._

_I picked her hand up and placed my lips on the back of it while looking over at her, "Don't worry, babe. I'm right here."_

_I started pulling out of the driveway as Emily continued the conversation, "No, I know. I'm going to be fine. It's just a lot, leaving my mom here alone."_

_"Hey there. She won't be. Your dad is going to come back more frequently now and Aria's going to school nearby. You know she's already said that she will go to dinner with her monthly. Oh, and there's also Hanna. She may be in New York, but she will take care of her any time she needs anything. Also, I've already set up Jason taking care of her yard for her so that it's just one less thing for her to take care of. And Em, don't forget…"_

_"Babe? I get it. You've done more than enough for my mom to make sure she's taken care of, and Al, I'm so, so grateful. You are thoroughly amazing. It's just the first time I've left her. It's surreal, you know?"_

_"Yeah, I know." I rubbed the outside of her hand with my thumb. "But you're going to get through it. Of course, it'll be rough at first, but you'll talk to her every day, and I'll be around if you ever need me."_

_The ride to Chicago continued with every conversation under the sun as we slowly made our way through the Midwest. With all our relationship had been through over the past 3 years: the drama of our first relationship, to the ups and downs that come with any relationship during Senior Year, both of us were incredibly excited to be moving out of Rosewood to give ourselves a much-needed boost._

_When move-in day approached, I drove up to the curbside after unpacking Emily in her dorm. Emily looked at me nervously before leaning over to kiss me. "You know I love you, right?"_

_"Why would you even ask that, beautiful? I love you with everything I have, and now we get to start this new amazing adventure. Why are you worried?"_

_"It's just different. I just don't want this to change, okay?"_

_"Now, Em, things may change. But this won't. I will be here forever. I love you. More and more."_

_"More and more. Still on for our date Sunday?"_

_I nodded as I pulled her in for a kiss one more time before she stepped out of my car._

_"Call me when you get to Loyola, okay Al?"_

_"Yeah, I'll let you know as soon as I'm all moved in, babe."_

_And with that, I drove out of the University of Chicago parking lot making my way close to an hour up the coastline of Lake Michigan to the place I would call home for the next four years. Despite the tears falling down my face, it was what we needed and I knew that Emily and I could only grow stronger because of it. I hoped beyond all hopes that we would._

* * *

Our lives were intertwined just as tightly as my hand around hers lying across her lap. Though time always manages to tick slowly while experiencing it, it was nearly impossible for me to believe that Emily had been by my side for over four years. I lacked the capability of understanding how her grace and patience had somehow been won over by my stubbornness. I still struggled to comprehend how a time of such tragedy could have led us right back into each other's arms. I hesitated to go back as far as five years ago because I knew the personas we took on during our last loss, and it wasn't pretty for either of us.

I went from overeager and loving to shut down and reserved, while Emily went from protective and self-assured to possessive and self-destructive. The loss of a parent has a way of reversing everything you've known about yourself because every piece of yourself that you know was shaped by the family member you'll never see again. It causes you to dig back through every recollection you've ever attempted to throw away because memories that were once painful are now some of the only doses of them you may ever remember again.

As much as I hesitated to relive the amount that I felt alone, I had to put myself back into those shoes. It was the only way we were going to get through this. I looked over at the woman I couldn't help but love and struggled to breathe before tears began escaping my eyes. Despite the light suiting her face perfectly, it would be wrong of me to neglect that her lips were still in a frown, that her eyes leaked a trail of mascara curving just under her cheek, and that trapped beneath our clasped hands was a tissue drenched in her tears. I had to put myself back into those shoes because even though the roles were now reversed, I couldn't help but remember that loss has a way of being inescapable. Awake or asleep, loss finds you time and time again.

No matter how crushed I was, I couldn't dwell in the memories and sorrow that this loss dredged up. I had to stay strong. All I could do was remember our late night conversations. All I could do was remember our last talk two, short months ago. As much as I wanted to do and be everything for Emily that wasn't provided to me when my mom passed, all I could do was keep the promise I made over three years ago in their driveway. Regardless of what I wanted, the only thing I needed to do right now was to take care of his little girl.

* * *

**A/N: 1st chapter officially posted! This story is fully written and will be updated Tuesdays and Fridays until completely posted.  
**

**As always, Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along! :)  
**

**Also, if you are registered, please go actually vote in the US election! Your vote on this story means nothing without an actual real-life in person vote!  
**

**-secretpen28**


	2. Blue Ain't Your Color

The first thing that I could remember were their arms around me. Not around me in a comforting way on my waist, but sharply as though I was making a mistake. Their grip was unmistakable, and I quickly realized it was because every instinct in my body was telling me to run.

"Come on, Em, keep walking. We're almost there." Spencer whispered into my left ear. Though her words were caring, her tone was filled with exhaustion from the previous few days.

The second thing I remembered was the pungent smell of flowers. Not the scent of an overpowering perfume or bouquet you'd receive on an anniversary, but an odor that hit you and stayed with you from the moment you walked through the door. It was so intense that I had no choice but to finally open my eyes. Blurriness still filling my vision from the tears streaming down.

"Okay, Emily. We're almost to the end of the aisle. We're going to turn left, okay?" Hanna spoke with a dullness that let me know she was suffering as well. The sniff at the end of the statement was undeniable and made it clear to me that her suffering stemmed from my own.

The third thing I remembered was the sudden realization that Alison was not by my side. I searched my brain for the voices I had heard just moments earlier, etching the tones back through my head until I was able to confirm Hanna and Spencer's voices once more. As soon as my back hit the pew, I snapped my head to the left only to see Aria sitting with a tissue in hand. Panic hit my heart instantaneously.

"Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong, Em?" Hanna reached over to place her hand on my leg.

How was it possible that she wasn't here? The pit in my stomach grew immeasurably. Was this payback for me not being there at her mother's funeral? What did I tell her yesterday? Every conversation from the past week swirled through my head as I tried to find the words for Hanna.

"Why isn't Ali here? What did I do?" I gasped through my tears, my whimpers growing into sobs.

"Woah, calm down. She's right there. Remember?" Hanna consoled me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders as she pointed towards the back of the church.

The fourth thing I remembered was the look on Alison's face. Her eyes met mine, and from where I was, I could see the quiver in her chin. She glanced to her right where she was ushering my mother down the aisle of the church. My mom with a thin black veil covering her face as Alison coached her to the same area we were seated in.

"Okay, Pam, we're going to sit right here. Emily will be right next to you, and if you need anything, I'll be on her other side. Okay?" Alison reassured her as though she was the only thing guiding my mother through the day.

She handed my mother the purse she had been carrying in her left hand, opening it to give her the pack of tissues she had prepared. She shuffled to the side until she was on my left, scooting Hanna, Spencer, and Aria down the pew as well.

"Hey there, beautiful." She remarked solemnly as she held the side of my head while it collapsed into her shoulder. I heaved in sorrow as she continued to whisper, "It's okay, love bug. This is the hardest part, okay? I'm right here. Here, take my hand. It's okay. It's okay." After a few moments, I raised my head off of her shoulder leaving an opening for her to lean over and kiss my cheek lightly.

The fifth thing I remembered was that I had no idea how I had gotten to this point. I couldn't recollect the moments in my life that led me to this church. Was I still in Chicago? No, my friends and family were here. When had Ali and I arrived back home? Yesterday? Last week? How much time had passed between the last memory that remained and this one? What _was_ my last memory? The phone call, right?

"Take a deep breath, Emily. Here we go." Alison squeezed my hand as the proceedings began and my mind reeled towards anything else I could remember. Towards the last thing I could remember. The phone call.

* * *

_My life is a series of memories where I am baffled by Alison DiLaurentis. Times where she captures a spirit I haven't yet been able to find myself. Times where she gets lost in the beat of the world around her. She has an ability to not let any part of the past dictate her future while still determining every aspect of the present she chooses to bring with her._

_My mind ran off with those thoughts as Alison was dancing to no music in the kitchen. Along with her head bobbing as she twirled, her legs carried her as though she had no barriers. She put up cup after cup that her roommates left for her clean without an inkling of frustration on her face._

_"Are you almost done in there?" I called out from the living room where I was working on my last paper before my Junior Year finals were complete._

_Alison propped her head in her hands as she leaned over the countertop, "You know, Em? I could ask you the same thing." Her poignancy led to an immediate sigh on my part, "Babe, I know you're jealous of my freedom, but you do have to finish that paper." She finished her sentence while spinning to rub it in a little bit more._

_I put my head down toward my chest in an attempt to convince Alison that I was typing away furiously, but she saw right through my act and began walking toward me._

_"So… how much do you have left, Em?"_

_"Only the conclusion, but it has to tie everything together, you know? It's a lot of responsibility to write a paper that is the foundation for your thesis. I just want it to be perfect."_

_"Here." she whispered, taking my computer out of my lap and setting it on the coffee table behind me, "Let's take a break," she smirked as she traced her fingers down my arm._

_"Hmm? What'd you have in mind?" I questioned, reaching my arm up to the back of her neck to pull her closer toward me._

_"Well, I think you need to relax." She replied, moving her legs to either side of my hips to straddle me, her hands massaging down my arms as she leaned in, "See? You're really tense. Let me help."_

_Her lips started just below my ear while her hands found their way to my stomach. She smiled against my neck before working her way back to my lips, capturing them suddenly and causing a gasp to escape. My hands settled on her hips as I pulled her tightly toward me leading to Alison grinding her hips lightly against mine. Her hands, once steady, began moving to my jean shorts, hooking a finger into my waistband while her other hand trailed up my top. I sighed into her touch leading her to back away from our kiss._

_"All better." She assured cupping my face, my eyes still closed under her touch._

_"What? That is so not fair, Alison." I groaned back, pushing her off of me as I reached for my laptop._

_"Neither is putting off this paper, Em. I just wanted to give you a brief break. We can't just start going for it in the middle of my living room." She began walking back toward the kitchen taunting me with her hips._

_"I get that, but it's still not fair."_

_"Finish that paper, and I'll show you fair." She winked back at me over my shoulder, "And just think, beautiful. Next year we can go for it all you want in the middle of **our** living room." _

_"Ooh, say that one more time, Al."_

_"Say what? Our living room?"_

_"Yep, that's it. Can you believe that we're three months away from having our own place?"_

_"I know, babe. It'll be great, but you will never be able to move off campus if you don't get enough credits to make it to Senior year." She motioned with her hands, "Paper. Now."_

_I continued working fairly diligently until I could hear my phone ringing from Alison's room. I started to stand but was quickly interrupted, "Nope, Em. Sit. I'll go grab it off the charger for you." There was a brief pause as she walked back to her room before she yelled to the front of the apartment, "Hey, it's your mom. Want me to get it?"_

_"Yeah. Sure!" I shouted back._

_Reality is a tricky thing because so frequently moments in life occur that appear to have no rhyme or reason. Even looking back at this day, I can't adequately put every event in an order that would have led to Alison picking up the phone. I also don't know if I should be grateful or regretful for not being on the other end of the line as my mom called to tell me the news. At first, all I heard were whispers, panicked whispers._

_"No, this is Alison. Pam? Pam, are you there? Mrs. Fields, take a breath, please; I can't understand you. Wait, what? No, no, I shouldn't be the one hearing this. Pam, wait. Please stop. I'm going to grab Em."_

_She rounded the corner in tears. Not tears from being startled with news of someone winning the lottery. Not tears of laughter that occurred during some of our frequent late night conversations. No these tears were grief-stricken, and along with her coloring, any emotion on her face was entirely drained._

_"Baby, what's wrong?" I turned around on the couch to face her. "Ali, what?" I asked, more harshly this time._

_She passed me the phone as she set down next to me, her hands squeezed tightly in her lap._

_"Mom? What's wrong?" I heard the agony behind her voice as she began speaking and the phone fell into my lap. I couldn't bear to listen to her say anything because it was the same misery I had heard through the phone the night Alison's mom died. It was the same gasps for air that indicated that someone who captured every piece of your heart was never going to be in your presence again._

_Alison picked the phone out of my lap to continue the conversation, "Mrs. Fields? It's Alison again. Yeah, she heard. Umm… I'm going to take care of her now, okay? I, uh, I'll call you back so we can plan when we need to be back home. But uh, I'll take care of it. Don't worry. Yeah, we love you too. I'll have her reach out. Bye."_

_She set the phone down in front of her and turned to me, "Emily?" Very quickly I became a ball in her lap, crying incessantly until I could have a chance to breathe. The next week and a half as my father's body returned to Rosewood from his base, Alison spun around her apartment and mine packing up everything as urgently as she could. And despite everything around me feeling like it was falling apart, Alison consistently found a way to try and put it back together. Just as she frequently did, Alison DiLaurentis baffled me yet again._

* * *

The sixth thing I remembered was standing again. My right leg struggling to hold me up, leading to Spencer muttering something under her breath to Hanna who instantly grabbed the side of my arm to balance me under their touch. Alison looked over her shoulder at me, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, coaching me through the motions as I began following along. Inhale. One, two, three. Exhale. One, two, three. Repeat.

"There you go, babe. You made it. We're getting in the car now." Hanna stated, rubbing her hand up and down my back.

The seventh thing I remembered was bugling. I visibly jumped in my seat as a service member nearly facing me began to play. Without a second thought, my body began to move, but as I started to rise, I felt hands on my shoulders, arms, and leg. My head snapped behind me to see Aria shaking her head and whispering.

"Nope. Not now, Em." She finished, letting her hands drop from my shoulders.

Alison's thumb continued circling on my upper thigh, "I know it startled you. This is one of the biggest honors they have for your dad today, Em. You can stay." My head dropped toward my chest wishing with every fiber of my being that I could escape what must undoubtedly be a dream.

The last thing I remembered was the flag. What had once been previously laid across his casket was now folded in front of me. Alison reached across my chest in her seat to help my mom move her veil back on her head so she could make eye contact with the guard. It was the first time I had seen her eyes today. Faint make-up with her eyes darkened and deepened by loss. Dark circles pooling underneath them from days without sleep, and tears meeting in both corners of her eyes. For the first time, I reached to my right to hold her hand as she met the eyes of the officer.

"This flag is presented on behalf of a grateful nation and the United States Army National Guard as a token of appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service. God bless you and this family, and God bless the United States of America."

I struggled to comprehend every moment occurring in front of me and struggled to be present for my mother when she needed me most. The pain held between our hands grew to be insurmountable. The last thing I remembered was the flag because as I turned away from my mother to meet Alison's eyes once more, my entire world went black.


	3. Piece By Piece

When she came to, she was laughing. Though still dazed, her laugh was unmistakable as I hadn't heard it for weeks. Her eyes bounced back and forth searching for my face as her vision readjusted from the previous darkness in her eyes. She sighed as she began to readjust, turning her body so that her chest faced mine.

All five of us were piled into Spencer's car with Emily stretched across the back seat; her head in my lap, her feet curled in Hanna's. As soon as Emily had slumped against my shoulder at the end of the service, it was clear that the day had been too much for her. We reassured Mrs. Fields and the four of us struggled to bring her to Spencer's car as she wobbled, fading in and out of reality. The cold water bottle from the cooler at the gravesite was the first thing that actually led to some movement behind her eyes.

Laughter was definitely not what any of us expected as her coloring began to come back from its concerning olive green tone to her usual tan complexion. My left arm wrapped around her waist so that my hand could rest on her forearm while she brought her hand up to my jawline so that I could make eye contact with her.

"Well, aren't we cozy." She mumbled, beginning to lean her body up toward mine for a kiss, but quickly realizing that something was wrong with her equilibrium. "Woah."

"Yeah, you can lay down, babe. You just had a quick blunder okay, but you're fine."

She began laughing again, "Oh yeah, I know. You always tell me I'm a klutz. How did I fall this time?"

"Oh Em? You didn't fall; you passed out against Ali's shoulder." Aria stated matter of factly, turning around from the passenger's seat.

"That's weird. It's not typical of me to pass out… Babe, what were we doi-" her voice faded as she began looking at my face and attire.

Her thumb reached up to wipe away a tear halfway down my cheek and her eyes traced downward to the black A-line dress I was wearing with a lace cover. Her eyes followed in the same suit down her own dark clothing to Hanna, who was rubbing her hand along Emily's ankle, wearing a tight fitted black dress as well.

It was apparent to me, someone who has dealt with a parent's loss physically, emotionally, and experientially that something incredibly common had just occurred. It's a simple but tragic example of delayed grief and I remember it increasing well.

Your life is perfect. Maybe you're watching television and a touching story on the news. Maybe you are flipping through social media and a joke you remember pops up onto your feed. Maybe you're just driving down the road and remember something you forgot to tell them. But either way, you pick up the phone to call them, or you yell for them on the other side of the house and then it hits you that for 30 seconds you were experiencing the life you had before. You forgot that trying to connect with them again was unattainable. For those 30 seconds, your world was back together. Nothing was wrong; you were fulfilled and in one piece. But in a matter of moments, the grief you may have previously processed crumbles.

Emily had woken up, dazed, confused and dreaming something so wonderful that she woke up laughing. She was aware of my body wrapped around her and nothing else. But as soon as she had reacclimated her to her surroundings, she realized what had just happened. She realized that the dream of laughter that radiated so clearly from her subconscious to her present was just that, a dream. For her, reality was far more bleak.

It was an experience I knew. It was an experience I sat with, and it was an experience I lived through for both of my parents, though one has passed and one is very, very painfully still alive.

* * *

_Even though Emily and I had been dating for over a year and half, it took until the May before college for us to really fall into a rhythm. It probably stemmed from the fact that we had to build a pretty solid foundation with Mr. and Mrs. Fields before they would even allow Emily to be at my house entirely alone. It was understandable. Having two hormonal, in love 17-year olds in a 4 bedroom house alone isn't any parents' perfect idea of supervision. But as I spent more time with them, and slowly but surely won over Mr. Fields, we were able to increase the amount of time Emily could spend at the house I now owned._

_It was one of our usual Saturday/Sunday sleepovers which allowed Emily and I to spend an entire day each week together without any other plans. Emily had just arrived from her home, so she quickly made her way upstairs to add some clothes to the drawers and closet space I had given her in the guest room._

_From upstairs I could hear her yell, "So Al? Have you given any thought to the proposal we discussed last week?"_

_I walked to the bottom of the stairs before replied, "Em, how many times do I have to tell you? I am not giving you the closet space in my room and converting the guest room into my closet!"_

_"But imagine it! You would have so much space! Every week I come back to put things in my drawers, I find more of your clothes in MY closet, which means yours must be overflowing." She replied to me from the doorway of the guest room, before turning back in toward the closet._

_"Babe, if we convert that room, we can't use it in the future…" The trailing off of my words brought Emily almost immediately back to the door and headed down the stairs._

_"In the future? Why Alison DiLaurentis, what are you implying?" she smirked in her always effortless way as she slinked her arms around my neck, a full 6 inches taller than me with her on the step above the first floor._

_"I mean, you never know what might come up. Who knows? Jason could need a place to stay!" I toyed with her causing her to tap the back of my head with her palm._

_"Ali… come on." She whispered, inching closer, "Indulge me. Why might we need that room in the future?" I remained silent as her lips mumbled nearly against mine, "Is this your way of suggesting that we're going to have kids someday?"_

_I smiled into the brief kiss I gave her, "Maybe… Don't act like you've never thought about it before."_

_As I sauntered away, she slapped my ass before squealing and turning around to run back up the stairs to put the rest of her things away. I shook my head smiling from the pureness of her intentions. She was incredibly easy to please, but more than that, thought entirely and completely of us as a unit until the end of time._

_Walking back towards the kitchen through the foyer, I noticed the mail on the ground that had been delivered through the mail slot. I picked up the day's delivery before noticing a familiar Californian address._

_"Em?" I called down worried while walking back over to the couches._

_I could hear her pound down the stairs behind me as I sat down to open a much anticipated reply to the graduation announcements I had sent out weeks before._

_"What it is, Al? Why did you sound concerned?" Her arms draped over my chest from behind me giving her an eagle's eye view of the letter I was reading over and over again._

_'Ali,_

_So proud of all you've achieved. I hope that your day is filled with laughter and only good memories. This should cover anything you may need for graduation day and the move to Chicago._

_Dad'_

_"You've got to be fucking kidding me." She replied, picking up the enclosed $2,000 check inside that had fallen to my lap. "This is your father's idea of supporting you at your graduation? What a dick." She began pacing behind the couch mumbling obscenities under the breath, while I remained nearly emotionless on the couch in front of her. Tears silently falling down my face._

_"So… he's not coming?" I whispered, slowly beginning to lose it. "Why wouldn't he come for me?"_

_My father had left my family prior to my mom's passing. She had become addicted to painkillers which he found out about long before Jason or I did, and left as a way to hopefully force her to get her act together. Unfortunately, it had done exactly the opposite and instead his children had to clean up the mess of a woman he left behind. She had overdosed on painkillers two months before the end of my Freshman year of high school and ultimately led to the break-up of mine and Emily's first relationship. My father had come back for her funeral, mostly to see how much money he could get out of her will despite their divorce already being 'pending' at that time, and then he hadn't returned since. It had been nearly 3 years and I had expected him to not come, but I definitely hadn't expected the lack of emotion behind the note he sent._

_"Hey there Al," Emily consoled, walking around from behind the couch to wrap her arms around me. "This says so much more about him than it does you, okay?"_

_"What did I do to him? What could I have possibly done to make it so that he won't even come support me walk across a damn stage?"_

_"Come here." She pulled my head into her lap, moving her arm to pull the back of my legs in closer to her. "You didn't do anything wrong, love bug. Maybe it's just too hard to see how you've moved on without him…"_

_"But what does this mean, Em? If he won't come to a simple graduation, and then he just throws money at me to try and fix it, what else won't he come to? College graduation? Whatever next funeral there may be? Our wedding?" I collapsed crying into her arms. "Who will walk me down the aisle?"_

_"Ali, there's no reason to go down that path right now. It's one event, babe."_

_"I understand you trying to console me, but you don't get it. Was it crazy of me to think that I would have a parent with me at graduation? It's bad enough to have to try and mourn the loss of one parent, but now I should just start preparing for the loss of another…"_

_"I know that it isn't the same, but my dad has missed plenty of events in my life with being deployed or stationed in Texas. You have to focus on making memories with the people that will be there, like Jason, all your friend, me." She ended her sentence with a smile. I could hear it in her voice. No matter how much anger she would carry to the future for my dad, she put my happiness so much higher._

_"Em, no matter how much empathy you may carry, which I appreciate, this is different. Your dad hasn't actively made the choice to not be with you. Your dad hasn't abandoned you when you needed him the most. I mean, hell, you returned faster than he did."_

_I knew it was low blow. I knew that bringing up my mourning process, which effectively shut her out and led her into the arms of Paige, was unfair. The year and a half that we were apart was decidedly the hardest 18 months of my life. It was entirely selfish to use our previous breakup against her, especially when my only intention was for her to feel the same pain I was currently in. Emily's deafening silence was enough for me to know that she was definitely upset at me, and yet, she didn't move my head off of her lap, or alter anything about the way we were seated. In fact, she pulled me closer, placing her hand on my hip and circling it with her fingers._

_Her voice dropped to a whisper, "Alison, my experience with my dad is as close as I can get to understanding yours. I hope to never, ever have to experience how you are feeling right now, but you cannot put me down in your attempts to get me there. You cannot put us down. It's not okay."_

_My crying intensified as I could not come up with an adequate response to her reply. She continued talking to me while I sobbed, "I would take this away from you in a second, Al, but we're meant to go through this together. This moment will not be a moment of anger in the future; it'll be a moment of strength. You will make it through this, and I will be right here with you every step of the way."_

* * *

I would love to say that my dad chose to surprise me at graduation, that something knocked sense into him and he hopped on a last minute flight. But he didn't. We hadn't spoken in years when I received an invitation to his wedding, an invitation I threw in the trash without a second thought.

Over the past two weeks, I came back to that conversation multiple times. The crushing reality of my father not coming to my graduation paled in comparison to her father passing away. Emily's laments to hopefully never experience the pain I felt that day had partially come true as now she was feeling pain 100 times worse. The loss of a parent cannot be described as anything less than numbing. I knew how she felt. Entirely numb. The only time she felt whole is when she was dreaming because life was manageable again. But living, actively living and experiencing every aspect of life thrown at you, was hazy at best.

"Babe, what are we doi-" her voice faded, and in less than a second, I had snapped back to the reality of Emily scanning what everyone was wearing in the car. It took her less than 5 seconds to evaluate the scene around her, realize where she was, and then burst back into tears. She recoiled her body back into my lap, exactly replicating the memory that had just passed. Though now, our places had switched.

As was instinctual at this point in our relationship, I wrapped my arms around her before repeating her own words from three years ago back to her, "I would take this away from you in a second, Em, but we're meant to go through this together. This moment will not be a moment of anger in the future; it will be a moment of strength. You will make it through this, and I will be right here with you every step of the way."

* * *

**A/N: Hi everyone! Decided to post two chapters today to make up for missing on Friday! I was out of town! Hope you all are enjoying so far. Next chapter will be out Friday! :)**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	4. Happiness

**A/N: Hope you all enjoy this poster. Also, there is intentionally a sentence in here that is a little misplaced or odd given the words around it that is the opener to one of the biggest drama plot points of this story. See if you can find it :)**

* * *

The most simple of moments are also the most perfect. It's the feeling of seeing the effortless joy in those you love. It's the feeling of boundless laughter that radiates through the room. It's the feeling of home that is nestled into every home-cooked meal. It's the feeling of care and protection when wrapped in the arms of your lover after an exhausting day.

I woke up with my arms wrapped around perfection the morning after his funeral. Every inch of Emily was curled into me as my fingers etched lovingly from her shoulder blade down to her hip bone, hoping and praying for my love to somehow be enough for her as she woke up this morning. She sighed slightly beneath my touch while slowly reacquainting herself with the world around her. Her left arm shuddered underneath my touch as she turned over in bed to face me.

"You're still here…" she trailed, the tone of her voice both pleased and confused. She smiled as she ducked her head into my chest.

Kissing the top of her head, I replied, "Of course, I am. A) I told you that I wasn't going to leave you. B) The renters at my place don't have to be out until Monday, so I'm all yours until then."

"Monday." Emily mumbled, placing her hand on my stomach and nestling into my chest, "What day is it today, Al?"

Emily's long black hair had fallen to one side and was blocking the side of her face that was in my view. I collected the strands in my palm as I traced the side of her face to tuck them behind her ear before continuing, "Today is Friday, Em."

I'm sure that the days were blending together. Part of me felt selfish staying in bed with Emily all day knowing that a grieving Mrs. Fields was just downstairs, but it was promising to hear the clashing of dishes and light conversation coming through the door from friends and family assisting. I knew that Emily wasn't thinking of anyone else's suffering but her own. It was selfish; it was her way of achieving self-preservation.

"Can we just lay here all day then?" Emily's voice interrupted my thoughts, "I mean, do we have plans today or can we stay in here?"

"Well, the girls are bringing dinner over for you guys tonight, and your mom invited them to stay and eat." While I took a pause, I felt Emily's breathe in deeply beneath my hand, "So yes, babe, we can lay here for a lot of the day, but we should probably get you in the shower at some point and go downstairs to check in on your mom."

I traced my hand up her back before trailing my fingers underneath her hair and onto her scalp, scratching it lightly as she collected her thoughts, "Okay, I think I can do that. Thank you." I kissed her forehead in reply.

We laid in her bed for extended minutes in silence. I assumed that Emily was drifting back off to sleep, but she surprised me with her next question, "This is what you needed, isn't it?"

I adjusted my laying position scooting myself up higher on the bed, "What are you talking about, Em?"

She brought her hand up to my chest just underneath my chin, using it to help lift her head more to look directly at me, "When your mom died, this is what you needed me to do. You needed me to be with you and tell you all of the details of the day. You needed me to keep you in the present. You needed me to give you goals and make sure you met them. I'm sorry I didn't know any better."

I leaned down to kiss her softly, trailing my finger under her chin as I pulled away, "You did the best you could. You helped plan her funeral and brought food to Jason and me so many times a day. You remembered our 6th month anniversary when I couldn't even tell you if it was day or night, and you wrapped me in your arms even on the days I didn't want to be touched. You did what you could, okay?"

I could feel her heaving into my chest before I had even finished my sentiments because no matter how long ago I forgave her for everything that happened after my mom's passing, we both knew that during that time, Emily was just as lost and confused as I was.

It took at least 10 minutes to calm Emily back down with light 'shh's' and consistent rubbing of her back, but as her tears subsided, she placed her hand back on my chest.

"I love you, Alison. You know that, right?"

I laughed as I kissed her again, "I love you too, Emily. Where did that come from?"

"I don't think I've told you lately because I've been so self-absorbed, and you have been just," she breathed in again to try and stop her tears, "just the biggest blessing through all of this. Thank you." She kissed me deeply before tapping my chest with her hand and making her way out of the bed, "I think I'm going to try taking that shower you told me about."

Looking back over her shoulder, she smirked as she continued, "And I wouldn't be able to tempt you to join me?"

I sat up in her bed to reply, "Oh, you definitely could, but considering that Pam Fields actually allowed us to share a bed in her home last night, we probably shouldn't push our luck."

Emily laughed out loud, "Well, your loss." She finished, blowing me a kiss as she closed the door behind her.

At that moment, I knew we would be okay. Not because anything profound had necessarily happened, but I had finally seen Emily sincerely smile for the first time in weeks.

* * *

_From the time Alison and I told our friends about restarting our relationship, it felt like we were all they could discuss._

_'Is anything different since the last time you dated?'_

_'Aren't you worried about what people at school will say?'_

_'Have you talked to Paige?'_

_Honestly, all valid questions, but they were definitely not questions Alison and I wanted to address a month into dating again. At this point, both of us were still in awe of one another. We were always taken aback by merely being in the other's presence. We were still working on effortlessly falling back in love._

_I woke up from one of our first sleepovers at Alison's place with her lips on my neck. I was acutely aware of the pressure on my hips from her straddling me. One of her hands was wrapped around my head pulling back my hair on the right side of my neck to provide herself better access. Her other hand was just underneath the bottom of my tank top, trailing her hand slowly up my stomach while her thumb traced circles on my hip bone._

_During our official dating conversation, we had explicitly discussed taking this relationship slowly and not letting the love we previously shared jade our experience during this one. It had been just over three weeks, three extremely taxing weeks where I attempted to not let my emotions get the better of me. Though Alison had told me that as soon as she wanted us to move forward, she would let me know. Was this her way of telling me?_

_As much as I wanted to stay in the moment, I needed to clarify Alison's intentions. I coughed briefly while moving my hand up to her shoulder to place some pressure on her to slow down._

_She sighed falling into my chest, keeping her lips against my neck, "You're not into it, are you?"_

_"Al, of course, I'm into it, but we have to talk about this."_

_"Do we? Can't we just fool around and see where it goes?"_

_I chuckled wishing internally that it could be that easy, "It was just weeks ago that we talked about you not testing me until you were ready to have sex again. We both know how desperately I want this, but we talked about taking it slow. Is that over now?"_

_"I don't know." She rolled over onto her back exasperatedly, "I just wanted to wake you up happily. I wasn't thinking about anything else."_

_"But I can't do that, Alison. I made a promise to you to respect you above myself. It would be so easy to throw that away, but you have to think about it. I know what I know about this scenario; you need to know too."_

_We laid in silence for what felt like a hell of a long time. I brought my hand down the bed to find hers, enveloping her pulse with the comfort of my own. After our lengthy pause, I felt Alison turn to her side to speak, "What do you know? What do you know that I don't?" She spoke with sincerity and intrigue, dying to know where her disconnect may be._

_I copied her movements turning to my side, "What I know? I know that I will do absolutely anything I can to not ruin this. I know that I am overcautious because of the way I saw myself treat you last time around, and so I know that you need to be sure of what you want so that I don't overtake that." I placed my hand on her cheek, swirling my thumb just next to her mouth, " I know that I already love you. I love you without needing to know if you feel the same, and it's for that exact reason that I know you're doing this has so much more to do with just wanting me to 'wake up happily.' You have to be doing this for us, not for me, not for you, but because you know it's exactly where we need to be."_

_"Okay, I won't force it again." She leaned forward placing her lips on my own. "And just so you know, I'm definitely falling in love with you, and I can't wait for the moment I know for sure."_

_"Take your time. We have forever." With that, I rolled myself a little above where Alison lie, placed my hand lightly on her hip and kissed her with intense passion; a moan into my mouth her only reply._

* * *

My original hopes that our lives were returning to normalcy were quickly dashed when Emily hadn't returned from her shower 20 minutes later. I had quickly faded back to sleep as most of my night had been spent tossing and turning with worry about the woman in my arms. Once my initial fatigue from the night had waned though, my subconscious realized that Emily hadn't returned to find me asleep which, in that scenario, she surely would have crawled back into bed with me. I foggily crawled out from under her comforter and threw on some of Emily's baggy old swim pants which due to her added height, pooled around my ankles. I had intended to race downstairs hoping to find her finally having a long overdue conversation with her mom, but as I turned the corner down the hallway, I could hear the water from her shower running behind me.

I could instantly tell that something was wrong because the water pressure falling was too constant. It wasn't like a regular shower where the movement of your body under the shower head leads to a varied patterned stream. Instead, this was constant as though the water was hitting the same spot over and over again. As I approached the door, I knocked politely before checking the handle which was unlocked.

Opening the door, I was thrown back by the overwhelming yet familiar smell which caused me to heave forward in a cough. I questioned wearily inside, "Em? Babe, are you okay in here?"

That was when I saw a broken bottle shattered just near the toilet, a towel surrounding the puddle, and Emily curled into a ball in the corner of her shower floor. The water was hitting her back repeatedly as her hair covered her face, the only sign of life being the heaving of her back up and down.

Still concerned, I hesitantly walked toward the shower door, opening it to turn the water off. The lack of pressure on her back led Emily to look up at me for the first time since I had walked into the bathroom and she slowly rotated herself around to face me.

"Em, what happened?" I probed, stepping with my bare feet into the shower to sit down beside her. The sweatpants I was wearing now utterly soaked as I stretched my legs out in front of me. Her silence to my question gave me the extended time to look at her more closely. Of course, I had seen Emily naked an exceedingly high number of times over the past 5 years. But this time, I felt like an intruder. The smile I had last seen on her face had been replaced, and she stared at me as though I had invaded something personal. I tried to scoot next to her to repeat my question, sloshing the water still remaining around the outside of the shower floor to pool up higher on the pants I was wearing.

"Emily, what happened?" I added some harshness to my voice to indicate the need for a response.

"It was still out. All his stuff. It was just sitting on the countertop as though nothing had happened." She wasn't crying. Her voice was shaky, but she was speaking from a place that was beyond sadness that I couldn't quite place. Her legs were curled into her chest with her arms crossed over the knees, and her head turned to face me laying on top of her forearms. She spoke to me with her eyes open but hesitated to look me in the eyes, like a young child afraid of being chastised.

I placed my hand on her bare back, tracing the water spots still remaining on her skin as she continued, "And I figured that my mom wouldn't want to walk into the bathroom and see all of his stuff out, so I wanted to put it away. So I started the shower and loaded it all up in my hands. But," her voice dropped as she sighed, "when I reached for the handle up there, the cologne I put in the crook of my arm fell out and onto the floor. And it just shattered…"

I had finally placed the look in her eyes and tone of her voice; it was devastation. It was a look that indicated a betrayed by her own emotions. Ones that for a short time made her feel secure enough to do something beneficial for her mom's grieving process but ended up sending her right back to the memory of her father.

"And so, I went to pick it up. I had to pick it up, but as I was trying to soak up the cologne, I realized that it was getting all over me. A smell I haven't been around in 3 months, a smell that transports me right back into his arms when he was here over Spring Break, remember?"

Of course, I remembered. Her father and I had stayed up talking one night long after Mrs. Fields and Emily had gone to bed. We had laughed together, cried together, and revolutionized our bond in a matter of hours. It was the final week Emily and I had seen her father. It was the last time either of us had conversations with the most important man in our lives. It was the bookend conversation of our relationship. It was the conversation I repeated time and time again when I felt like falling apart.

"Yeah, Em, I remember," I replied, leaning my head against hers.

"And I lost it. I broke down crying on my hands and knees right there because I was just trying to do something good and instead destroyed one of the final links we have to my dad. I knew my mom would be so upset, so I knew I had to get his smell off of me."

"So you got into the shower?" I wrapped my arm around her waist tracing my hand up and down her side to console her further, keeping my head on her shoulder.

"Yeah, but it won't come off, Al. I have scrubbed my hands and body so many times, but I think I've just spread the cologne more. It won't come off." Her head dropped back to her lap.

"Okay. Well, they're going to be here for dinner in an hour or two, so we can't stay here, love bug. Come here." I started adjusting myself to a standing position so that I could help raise Emily from the floor. As she stood up, I fully took in the bizarreness of this entire scenario. God forbid anyone attempted to enter the restroom at this point with my clothes nearly drenched and Emily fully nude with absolutely no water running on either of us.

She had apparently internalized the scenario similarly as she busted into laughter placing her forehead on my shoulder, "I'm sorry for this." She muttered through her continued laughter.

"We promised forever, no matter what. SO, here I am." I shrugged also chuckling under my words.

Her head moved from my shoulder to rest on my own forehead as she continued, "I love you. So, so much." She leaned in to kiss me briefly and chastely.

"I love you too, and as much as I'd love to stay here with you all day, we cannot be caught looking like this in here." I giggled once more before reaching over Emily's shoulder to turn on the shower again.

Grabbing a new washcloth from behind me, I placed soap on it before putting my nose directly on Emily's skin looking for spots where her father's cologne was unmistakably still there, leading me to focus mainly on her hands and arms. As gingerly but as swiftly as possible, I began scrubbing her skin while Emily started washing her hair. Even with my incredibly sexy as hell girlfriend in front of me and my short glances to take in every inch of her as I scrubbed, at no point in time was I tempted to divert my attention from helping Emily not upset her mother. We had the rest of lives to be distracted by one another and now was certainly not the time. As we were finishing up, I walked around to Emily's back to wash it off as well, officially embracing the fact that I was covered in water from head to toe despite not taking a shower at all.

"Thank again, babe." she commented, tilting her head back to kiss me one more time, "I knew I could tempt you taking a shower with me." she chuckled as we parted.

"Oh shut the fuck up, Em." I smiled, moving her head back around to finish washing her off before we would inevitably have to make our way downstairs for one hell of a family dinner.

* * *

**A/N: There you go! Next episode get ready for the family dinner and a closer look into Emily's college experience! Look for it on Tuesday!  
**

**I'd love for you all to comment next to the sentence that seemed out of place! As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass along.**

**See you all next week!**


	5. Empty Space

While stretching the tight-fitted shirt over my head back in my bedroom, I couldn't help but look over my shoulder at the woman making eye contact with me through my mirror. Her hand rested delicately under her chin while her hair, wet from assisting me in the shower, was draped loosely over her right shoulder. I followed her wavy hair to the lines of her face, how her mouth was outlined by small curves that met her dimples whenever deep in thought. Her piercing blue eyes which radiated flecks of white from her pupils smiled at me, regardless of the situation, turning upwards at their ends. Her lips, idyllic in their form, parted perfectly allowing her bottom lip to appear to have a permanent pout. That pout, which against my neck felt of succulence and passion, riddled my brain with memory after memory of her lips on my skin. The way they traced down my body slowly but intentionally, leaving markers of her loving candor.

"Emily? Earth to Emily?" I snapped out of my staring to find Alison now standing just a few feet in front of me, waving her hand back and forth.

"Oh, hey…" my voice trailed, turning myself forward back toward my mirror. I began flattening my shirt down around my stomach, nervously fidgeting as Alison continued to stare.

Her hands rose to the top of my towel which was precariously spun in my hair. Her fingers danced around it to untangle from my hair, which fell damp from its wrapping around my shoulders. While still glancing down to the ground, Alison reached around the front of my body to grab the hairbrush lying on my dresser. Moving back towards my hair, she paused to place a kiss on my right cheek, lingering a few seconds too long which to me could only mean, 'I love you.' She started at the root of my hair before running the brush to its tip, working diligently through every few inches until my hair rested straight along my back.

"There you go." She reassured, running her hands down both of my arms. "You. Look. Radiant."

I nodded slowly in response, watching her face fall as she witnessed her assistance not being appropriately appreciated.

"Hey, Em?" I spun around to face her, her fingers lacing through mine as I leaned forward against her shoulder. "You know you can do this, right Emily? I know that you can make it through this, but do you know?" I shook my head against her shoulder while her arm slinked around my waist. "Love bug, can you look up at me?" I moved my head off of Alison's shoulder to meet her eyes, feeling her arm remain steady on my waist. She caught the tear falling off my cheek with her thumb. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I can't slow my brain down. I can't stop it from racing. It keeps going and going without my control." I paused, gasping for air to continue. With Alison's arm still wrapped tightly around me, our faces sat about 6 inches from each other as I continued in a hushed whisper, "But, at the same time, everything around me is moving so glacially. I look at you for what feels like a brief moment, and before I know it, you're right in front of me. It's like time is jumping, and I can't control it." I put my palms just above Alison's chest to push away from her, walking past her to fall onto my bed.

She turned to face me exasperated, "Em, it's not going to happen overnight." She sighed, sitting down next to my feet.

Rolling onto my back, I continued, "But, Al, I need to control something. I need something to control."

Her arm draped across my legs to reassure me, "Okay… And how have you tried to get through it today?"

"I focused on you. Your every movement and touch." I sat up, meeting our hands together.

She tilted her head to the side questioning my response, her left dimple crinkling as she smiled, "And has that worked okay?"

"Better than anything else I've tried," I replied as she leaned forward, placing her hands on either side of me before kissing me gently, sighing against my lips. My bottom lip met her pout as she parted her lips to grasp me between her kiss. As we leaned away, my eyes remained closed continuing to imagine the pressure of her lips upon mine.

"Then that's exactly what you'll do," she paused, "At least until we find a better option, okay?" She stood up from the bed, grabbing onto my hand while standing, "Let's go."

I continued to link my hand in hers as we made our way downstairs, watching her hair sway from side to side. By this point, Alison had placed her arm behind her back, so our hands rested between her shoulder blades. As her fingers enveloped mine, I noticed the glossy red finish of her nails, how they perfectly curved marking the ends of her fingers. I watched her pointer finger trace the top of my hand proving that even in the smallest of moments, her thoughts centered around me.

"Mrs. Fields? Are you down here?" Alison called as we reached the bottom floor.

"We're in here!" her voice carried from the kitchen.

Alison turned to fully face me, placing my chin between her hands, "Breathe," she instructed, as I inhaled deeply, "And now, focus on me."

"Focus on you," I repeated, making sure to note the gleam in her eye before her turning back around to walk toward the kitchen.

Alison turned the corner moments before I did. Her smile lit up the room as she turned, a small sound of glee escaping her lips. Her posture straightened as her arms raised, her eyes softening as the others in the kitchen got up to hug her. Rounding the corner on my own, I was met immediately with Hanna's arms around my waist. I gasped stepping backward, before Alison's hand clutched my elbow. My head snapped to my right to face her, as Hanna continued burying her head into my chest, clutching onto me intensely.

Alison maintained eye contact as she mouthed, "You'll be okay." Since turning the corner, her face had dropped. She was worried. Her cheekbones had fallen while her eyes were sunken. She looked my body up and down before plastering a smile on her face to continue greeting our guests.

As she continued on, choosing to fake it over being concerned about my reaction to someone else's touch, I realized that the only way I was going to make it through this dinner was to fake it myself. I needed to do better in this moment of hiding my grief. Though I had promised Alison that I would solely focus on her to get through the dinner, the moment I even considered hiding my pain, my thoughts jumped right back to the last time I buried my grief. The last time I lost my semblance of control.

* * *

_Stepping up onto the block that night in Chicago, I already could feel the pressure. I looked right and left to see other relay members from teams across the Midwest, knowing that the Fall Classic was my first chance to make a mark on my sophomore year. The whistle had blown minutes ago, and after 2 of my teammates had completed the relay, with the other halfway done with her lap, The University of Chicago was just out of first._

_Shaking my arms out, I closed my eyes to inhale the all too comfortable smell of chlorine. The burn inside the upper part of my nostrils had become second nature and an ideal indicator that I was at home in Chicago. As an anchor, I was expected to swim faster than any of the other swimmers on my team before me. I was expected to push all the visuals, all of the cheers, all of the anxiety out of my head and focus on the 100 yards in front of me._

_That part was easy. The hardest part was getting out of my own head, getting out of my own way. The easiest way for me to do that was to think of Alison, always Alison._

_I didn't have to look up into the stands to know she was there. Not cheering. Never cheering. But instead, sitting 5th row, biting her nails, and jumping up and down waiting for me to compete. During swim season, Alison made the hours-long drives weekly to watch me. She claimed that it was purely to see me in a swimsuit, which I always took as a valid excuse, but I knew that she didn't want me to be alone. She worried about the fact that my parents rarely could afford the days off or the plane flights to get to wherever my next meet was, so she knew that she was second best. In this facet of my world, at least._

_As the 3rd swimmer completed her open turn at the other end of our lane, I pulled my goggles over my eyes, patting down my swim cap on all sides. One, two, three deep breaths and one wiggle of my ear lobe later and I was diving into the pool beneath me. For me, swimming had always been the pinnacle of catharsis. Though limited on breath, swimming provided me the oxygen I needed to survive through the turmoil of college. The repetition of strokes during a freestyle: right, left, right, breathe, left, right, left, breathe, all the while continuing the bass drum beat of a flutter kick sent peace rushing through my veins. It was second nature. Depending on my kick speed, about 4 breaths later I was turning back around to finish my lap._

_As soon as I entered the water that October though, something felt off. I blocked it from my brain as best as I could, but there was a nagging feeling as I reached the turn wall. While completing my tumble turn, I looked peripherally to note that I had taken a brief lead before resuming with my breath patterns until at least the last 15 yards. Placing my head down, I continued the pattern: right, left, right, breathe. Left, right, le-_

_POP._

_I felt it in my left shoulder immediately and retracted my arm to my side without a second thought. I looked forward, panicking as I could see that the wall was 3 to 4 strokes in front of me. It was the first official race of my sophomore year, and though I knew exactly what was occurring, I knew that all I could do was let this race be my defining moment. In that first reach and pull, I could feel the nerve pain shoot down my arm, but increased my kicking speed so that I could make the last two strokes with my right arm._

_Pulling up on the bar at the end of the lane, I bobbed my head up above the water to note the team's overall place. Second._

_Second._

_'FUCK.' I screamed underwater as I paddled to the ladder. Reaching up with my right arm, I could see my coach standing in front of me._

_"Em, great job! Excellent start time for the season." As she clapped her hands repetitively though, eyebrows upturned with excitement, I began to notice her face dropping as she realized my left arm was glued to my side, "What happened?"_

_My face falling, I replied, "It popped." I repeated the sentence over and over again, not believing the outcome of the race myself._

_"What do you mean it popped? Popped or tore?" Coach peppered, attempting to figure out the next steps._

_"Popped. Four strokes before the finish. I can't even reach forward." I threw my right arm in front of my face displaying my frustration. A teammate placed her hand on my back to reassure me, causing me to jump up and head to the locker room._

_No one followed me as they knew I was headed straight to the physical therapist who, after a series of tests, told me exactly what I expected: torn rotator cuff._

_"So, Ms. Fields, to confirm this diagnosis we need to send you to the hospital for an MRI? Do you have anyone that can take you?"_

_I nodded sullenly as they wrapped my arm into a sling to hold my arm in place and not agitate it further. Within a few minutes, Alison was coming through the treatment area's doors._

_"Em? Your coach called me over and walked me around to come back here. What happened?"_

_She always looked so cute when she was worried. Her eyebrows furled together right by the bridge of her nose. Her voice reached an octave so abnormal to her speaking voice that it always prompted me to smile. Her nostrils flared confused about what role she needed to play, though a majority of the time her worry and questioning were quickly answered by my reply._

_As Alison sat down next to me, I collapsed into her lap sobbing, "Okay, okay. It's bad. I get it. What do we need to do?" she questioned the physical therapist in front of us._

_"She needs to go to the hospital. It's a torn cuff, but I can't determine here how serious it actually is here."_

_She nodded hesitantly in response as I began to stand, wanting to get out of the venue as quickly as possible. "Let's go get you well, baby."_

_The ride to the hospital was filled with silence. Not only was I terrified of hearing official words that my swimming track had been derailed, for at least a season, but Alison was gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were becoming pale._

_"Ali?" I tilted my head to my left, probing Alison on her comfortability of this whole situation._

_"Uh huh?" she replied, her head not moving toward me at all._

_"Well – um, Alison," I paused, not knowing how to continue my question._

_She hesitated, "You want to know if this is my first time going to a hospital since, well, you know." She took a breath checking to see if I would respond, "No. The answer is no. I haven't entered a hospital since the day we took my mother off of life support; I haven't entered an emergency room since the day I found out she was dying."_

_"Okay…" my voice trailed trying to figure out how to comfort her. Quite comical considering the hand I would outstretch to grab hers was currently restricted, "If I could, Al, I'd reach over to hold your hand." I chuckled, despite knowing the ill-timing of the joke._

_"I don't need you to hold my hand, Emily. I'm a grown woman."_

_Her bravery, a front for the pain that still dwelled deeper than any place I could ever reach. "You don't have to be brave for me. That day was the last time I've been in a hospital, too. I'm here to get through it with you."_

_She dropped her head waiting at the red light in front of us, "I'm not going to make this about me. This is about you." Though attempting to mask it with another cough, the crack in her voice was unmistakable._

_"Al, look at me." She turned her head just in time for me to see the first tear fall down her cheek. "Your pain is valid. Your fear is valid. Help me get through this injury, and I'll help you get through this, okay?"_

_She briefly smiled before facing the road again, "Thanks…"_

_Trying to lift the situation I continued, "We also need you to get over this because at some point when you're delivering our first child, I don't need you having a panic attack while going into the delivery ward."_

_A smile spread across her face, "A child, huh?"_

_"Of course. You know, preferably twins."_

_She now was laughing out loud, "Oh, you're sticking me with twins now? When did we even decide that I was giving birth to our first child?"_

_I leaned my temple flesh with the headrest so I could look directly at her, "I mean, do you really want me to lose THIS physique?" I replied, dramatically using my right arm to trace up and down my body, which was currently only a quarter in use._

_"I guess not…" she sighed, pulling into the parking lot smiling, secretly convinced by my argument._

_Walking through the sliding glass doors, I intentionally put myself on her left so that I could hold her hand in mine. We turned to each other simultaneously as I stated plainly, "Deep breath. We got this."_

_After the wait, MRI scan, and even longer wait, I finally received the official word that my left rotator cuff had a complete tear, taking an indeterminable amount of time to heal. One pop effectively ending my swimming career as there was no guarantee that even after surgery and treatment I would be in good enough shape to compete at the college level._

_"How's that steroid shot working for you, Ms. Fields?" the attending on duty asked as she re-entered the room._

_"It's doing the trick right now. During the physical therapy process after surgery though, what is there to take care of the pain?" I questioned, wanting a manageable answer to stop the dull pulsing in my shoulder._

_"There are a few options. The steroid shots, which would require you to go to the physician. There's the classic switch between heat and cold that can improve pain dramatically. We can prescribe a painkiller like Oxycontin to be a quick relief if needed at night..."_

_Just the mention of Oxycontin caused Alison to retract from my hold. "Em…" was all she could mutter before getting up to leave the room._

_"Oh, I'm sorry." The doctor interjected, "Did I say something wrong?"_

_"No. There's no need to apologize. My girlfriend just needed some air…" I glanced worriedly at the door, "Is there a – uh – alternative to that painkiller?"_

_"Of course, Ms. Fields. There are many prescriptions we could write. Since Oxy doesn't seem like an option," she trailed looking back out the door Alison had just exited, "Let's try this…" she quickly scribbled a prescription down, passing it to me stealthily as I shoved it into my bag. "Our office will reach out next week to schedule the surgery. Please rest up."_

_"Will do. Thank you again." I replied as I scurried out the door to look for my girlfriend._

* * *

_With my surgery weeks out, Alison and I, fortunately, were able to schedule a few Sunday date nights between my injury and when I would be officially out of commission._

**_To Emily: Hello, beautiful. I'm about 20 minutes away. Almost ready to go?_ **

**_From Emily: How did you know I just tightened my sling?! I've been waiting for date night all week. ;-)_ **

**_To Emily: Me too, Em. Come down around 6:30. I can't wait to see you._ **

_Taking a deep breath, I rushed to my bathroom to double check my hair and makeup before leaving._

_Bags under my eyes. Check._   
_Tightening in my chest. Check._   
_Extreme exhaustion. Check._

_Adjusting the few strands out of place, I looked down at my arm and inhaled deeply. Yes, the pain right now was manageable, but with Alison planning the date this week, I had no idea if I would be gone for 2 hours or 8. I knew that I couldn't be seen with anything resembling a pain pill on our date, as it was typically frowned upon to take highly addictive medications in front of your girlfriend whose mother died from a prescription drug overdose. But this was different. She would understand that, right?_

_I couldn't overthink it. Surgery was weeks out, and I needed to take precautions just in case I was gone the rest of the night. And this was different. A different scenario. A different circumstance. A different medication. The pain wasn't that bad, but the sorrow behind losing my scholarship for the year, losing my outlet, losing my focus for the year was palpable. The bags under my eyes were apparent. The tightening in my chest was constant. The extreme exhaustion was never-ending._

_It was just one pill._

_I opened the Vicodin bottle with my name etched on the sticker surrounding it and popped one in my mouth. It wasn't a big deal. No, Alison had no clue, but I wasn't abusing it. It was my first pill of the day. Yes, I told myself I wouldn't take one before seeing Alison, but it was prescribed. This wasn't abuse; it was pain management. In fact, I figured that I should take two just in case I ended up spending the night at her place._

_Staring into that mirror though, I knew I was in trouble. Because as those pills began to take effect, I finally felt weightless._

* * *

And just like that, I was back to the present, laughing out loud but subconsciously grieving. Alison was directly to my right, while my friends and mom surrounded us on either side around the table. I looked down toward the bench I was sitting on to find my hand in hers. With even a quick glance down, Alison sensed the tinge of panic I was going through and gripped my hand even tighter. I looked up to find her staring right back at me. With her other hand, she placed her salad fork down, reached over to rub my cheek, and brought me in for a kiss, smiling as she pulled away.

"Hey, I love you." She whispered, resting her forehead against mine, "But you've barely touched your food, Em." Alison leaned back to turn her gaze toward my nearly full plate.

"Oh, right." I coughed to detract from the fact that I was so distracted in the minutes before this moment that I wouldn't have been able to retell Hanna's story even if I tried. Picking up my fork, I shoved some salad in my mouth to appear okay, "The food is great everyone." I spoke before even swallowing my bite, "Thank you for coming to be with us. I know that my mom and I appreciate it."

Hanna reached over to rub my shoulder, "Of course, Emily. It's the least we could do considering all your dad has done for us." Her voice dropped off as soon as she processed the words that exited her mouth.

I snapped my head to face the table top as I heard Spencer groan and hiss "The fuck is wrong with you, Han?" I gulped my half-chewed lettuce forcefully down my throat as my mom began to intervene.

"No, Hanna, you're fine. Emily and I do know how much he affected each of your lives. I can only hope that each of you would continue to pass his good deeds forward. Thank you for your kind words, Hanna." My mom endearingly finished her comments which on the surface seemed like an end to Hanna's vocal faux-pas, but as quickly as her comments ended, my mom stood up to clear off her plate.

"Mrs. Fields," Aria stood up, following my mother in her attempts to buffer the situation, "Please, let us clean-up for you. We also brought cookies for dessert."

Spencer soon followed in suit, "Yeah, I thought that maybe I could make us all some coffee and we could enjoy dessert in the living room?" she suggested, though still apparent that Spencer had planned out this evening to a tee.

As my mom, Spencer, and Aria continued speaking while walking into the kitchen with half-eaten plates of food, Alison, Hanna, and I stayed behind in the dining room.

"Em, I am so sorry." She reached to place her hand on my shoulder again causing me to shrug my shoulder quickly in hopes to get her to pull away.

Sensing my body tensing once again, Alison jumped in to intercept Hanna's apology, "Hanna, let's go talk about this out in the living room while we're waiting for the girls to come out of the kitchen with dessert. I don't know if Emily is quite ready to talk about it."

Alison stood up to walk over to Hanna placing her arm around her shoulders to guide her away from the dining room whispering to each other as they walked away, "You know she wasn't ready for that, Hanna. You know what we discussed."

"Yeah, present only. No past. No future. Al, you know I'm sorry."

"I definitely do Han, but…"

Their words ended abruptly as they entered the other room. But as their words trailed off, the words in my head began spinning.

'Of course, your dad would be brought up in conversation. You knew it could happen, Emily. You have to calm down. Like Alison said, breathe.'

My brain swirled. My hands began shaking under the table causing me to grip either side of the bench at the table to stabilize myself. My eyes closed with immediacy in attempts to shut my brain off. But cutting off all my senses, only made my thoughts scramble more.

'Emily, you were supposed to only focus on Alison tonight. When you don't feel in control, you focus on Alison. You focus on her blonde, wavy, flawless hair and how early in the morning when she leans over to kiss you, you can feel the strands linger against your cheek. You focus on the way she tends to let out a small breath after a deep kiss, a breath that continues to fill you with life. You focus on the way her arm wraps around you, her fingers gripping your hip as she smiles into you while laughing. You focus on the elation that escapes her lips as she shrieks when you tickle her. You focus on the vibration between her lips when she says 'I love you.' You focus on how she makes your heart swell. You focus on how she… how when you're with her, everything is okay.'

I opened my eyes to find myself staring directly at the table. The grip from my fingers loosening as my heartbeat slowed. Though temporarily better, it was apparent to me that after my brain thoroughly filtered through each of my memories of Alison, the grief of my father's passing would flood back. At some point again, it would be too much. At some point, Alison's movements and touch would not be enough. I needed to find something else.

Without real thought behind it, I stood from the dining room table to walk through to the kitchen. I could hear all of the girls and my mother in the living room, probably waiting for me to return. But I continued up the stairs on the backside of the house to return to the bathroom I was in just 4 short hours before. I hadn't considered how the grief would manifest, or how Alison somehow dealt with her grief by just lying in her bed all those years ago. But my grief never healed that way, the grief of losing my ability to complete in college never healed by going over memory after memory of Alison.

I wouldn't have even considered it if I hadn't cleared my father's things off the counter earlier. I wouldn't have even seen it in the cabinet if I hadn't decided that my mother's grief was unable to withstand seeing his belongings. But now, as I was reaching that cabinet once again, I was considering it. Opening the door and reaching inside for that pill bottle never seemed to be a solution before, but as I popped that single 'Vicodin' into my mouth to swallow, only Alison's words crossed my mind.

'At least until we find a better option, okay?'

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all are enjoying the story so far! See you all Friday!**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	6. Expectations

Darkness had become the most comfortable time for me over the past few weeks because it was predictable while being awake with Emily was not.  
  


Friday night, after flinching at the slightest touch from Hanna, Emily sauntered downstairs in a hoodie to curl up in my arms. Yes, the world stopped when I saw her, as it tended to do anytime she was out of my line of sight for an extended length of time, but something was off. She apologized for slighting Hanna after mentioning her dad at dinner and claimed that to fix her mood she needed to be more 'comfortable'. Plausible in theory, but curled into my chest with my right hand tucked under the crook of her legs and my left hand cradling her back, I felt her bra still on. For most people, this fact could be swept by the wayside. But for a collegiate swimmer, who spent more time in a swimsuit than regular clothes, keeping her bra on to be 'comfortable' was farfetched, to say the least. Who was I to judge her though? Days after the death of her dad and moments after being reminded of his passing yet again wasn't the time, and in front of all of her friends was not the place. So, I let it pass.

* * *

The following Thursday, after moving ourselves back into my home and finally waking up after talking until late into the night, she leaned over to kiss me. Her palm found my inner thigh before I had fully even reciprocated the kiss, her fingers tightening around the bottom, thicker portion of my leg. I gasped into her mouth, feeling the coolness of her touch against my skin, before grabbing the excess fabric of her baggy tee as tightly as I could to pull her closer to me. Emily and I hadn't slept together since the night before her dad passed away, and by that I mean Emily hadn't initiated sex since the night before her dad passed away. Of course, I would never expect anything, but I definitely hadn't expected this on a random Thursday morning. My hand slid down to the curve in her waist so my thumb could trace her abs. As Emily's right hand continued swirling up and down my thigh, her left made its way underneath my sports bra, sending my back arching up toward her. I sucked on her lower lip as she pulled away, smiling as she moved her way down to my neck. Aching for more from the weeks without her, I trailed my hands down to the elastic of her boy shorts and began wiggling them down her toned, tan legs.

"What are you doing?" she asked, positioning one hand on the side of my shoulder to prop herself up above me, while the other readjusted her underwear.

I tilted my head to the side, confused, "Well, I thought I was about to shag my girlfriend!"

She sighed exasperatedly, pushing herself onto her side of the bed, before rolling off to walk toward the restroom, the door closing shut before I could even process what had just occurred.

"Guess not!" I yelled, curling the sheets back up around my neck.

It was wrong of me to think anything was going anywhere. I felt like I was reading the signs right though: the touch of the thigh, the hunger behind the force of her lips, the rush of ecstasy from the way she sucked on my neck. But maybe the signs were different now, and maybe we were going to have to relearn each other again like we did when we first got back together. I knew how deeply I loved her and how deeply she loved me. When looking at it that way, being rejected so quickly after his passing wasn't the end of the world. So, I let it pass.

* * *

Darkness, though, provided solace. It was 8 uninterrupted hours of being able to listen and appreciate the silence. On my right, Emily could lie peacefully, not being haunted by the things of her past and the potential of what may arise the next day. Though it typically took a long time for her to fall asleep, it had allowed me to perfect my back massages and expert whisper singing. She needed me right by her side to take a breath deep enough to calm down her racing heart. One night she even started calling out my name worried that I had left when I just ran to the restroom. So, most nights I didn't even try to get up. I would just wait for her eyes to fall heavy and her lips to barely part so that I could roll over, cuddle into her chest, and fall asleep myself.

But some nights I never even fell asleep because I was too enamored with her. I could look over at her while on my side and see the stillness that covered every aspect of her face. When her life was peaceful, my life was peaceful. For so long, she was the only peace I knew. Since becoming her girlfriend again, I gained an entirely new family. One without as many complications and twice the love I ever felt from my own. It always unsettled me that the only calmness and stability I could ever give to Emily was the same calmness and stability that she and her family had first extended to me.

* * *

_To say that I was nervous to spend part of Spring Break with the Fields family was an understatement. Usually, Spring Break of your Junior year of high school is reserved for a party on a beach because you can finally drive there or a permanent schedule of activities with your family. But my brother had just started dating a new girl and staying with my dad was completely out of the question, so Emily apprehensively invited me to spend an extended weekend with them instead._

_"Ali…" she tenderly probed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear while we faced each other on my living room couch, "You have nowhere else to be. What are you so afraid of?"_

_I scoffed, "Afraid of? Emily, I'm terrified. The last extended conversation I had with your mom was when she told me that my dead mother wouldn't 'have approved of my behavior' and that I wasn't 'making her proud.' And that was almost 5 months ago, babe. She's literally never brought it up again." I over-exaggerated my voice during her mother's quotes hoping that it may trigger her memory back to the night Mrs. Fields literally kicked her own daughter out of her home for dating me._

_"She apologized though, Al." Emily muttered toward the ground._

_"To you! When I knocked on the door 3 days later for another Fields Family Tuesday dinner, she opened the door shocked and ignored me for the next month while she slowly realized I wasn't going anywhere."_

_"I get that." she trailed off, taking a deep breath before changing the subject, "I guess I really just want dad to see us actually together. You know, he's never been home while we were dating, just before and after the first time around, and – uh – I know he has a hard time with me being - " She stopped as her chin began to quiver._

_"Hey, hey, you're okay." I reached to cover her hand with mine, "Of course, I'll be there if it's that important to you. Don't even question it, okay?"_

_She looked up at me nodding in a way that indicated she needed to finish her thought. She gulped down air before looking me right in my eyes, "I know my dad has a hard time with me being gay." she trailed off again, not continuing until she had taken another deep breath and was consoled with my thumb tracing her palm, "But I think that if he sees me happy – sees us happy that he'll understand. You know, he'll understand that I'm not whatever he thinks I may be."_

_"You just want him to know that you're loved, right?" I finished her thought as she broke down again into my arms. Tucking her head into my chest as my arms embraced her, I continued speaking to her, "Nothing would make me happier than showing your dad that I love you, Em. Whatever I need to do, all I want is for you to be happy."_

_And that's exactly how I ended up at the Fields' home two days later, bag in tow, ready for 3 days and 2 nights of extended family time. As Emily opened the front door to see me hesitantly smiling on the other side, she began laughing hysterically._

_"Oh yay. I'm so happy that this is a source of enjoyment for you." I stepped forward closer to the threshold of the door, actually smiling now in response to her laughter._

_She placed her hands around my waist, connecting them behind my back, "No, you just looked so fucking adorable, babe. You looked like a kid about to go through a haunted house for the first time."_

_"Except kids in a haunted house don't typically shit their pants." I remarked back, wrapping my hands loosely around her neck after setting my bag down, "So, am I able to enter your home, or am I being forced to stay in a tent out back?" I looked around the yard for emphasis._

_"Oh, shut up! Yes, you're coming in. My parents are both in the kitchen and said that they would give us some space while you got settled in, so I figured I'd greet you with open arms on the front porch first." She smirked, leaning her forehead against mine._

_"Whew. I'm so happy I'm not exiled from the get-go. This is going well." I took a deep breath in before kissing her deeply. She kissed my nose as we pulled away, "You know that I love you, Emily, right?"_

_"If you hadn't told me a million times already, I would now be convinced." She kissed me chastely once more, "I love you too so, so much. Thank you for this. You ready?" she leaned away, immediately linking our hands together to walk me inside._

_Emily led me upstairs to the guest bedroom which was just a few steps down the hall from her own, exhaling as she opened her arms wide, spinning around the room._

_"Here is where you'll be staying, AND the only strict rule in place is that absolutely no 'funny business' goes on in either of our rooms."_

_I walked toward her smugly, facetiously asking, "And what does 'funny business' entail?"_

_She reached into her front pocket as she began to respond, "I'm so happy you asked because my dad refers to it as…" she then turned her phone toward me to show me a text, reading it off word for word as I looked, "No hand holding, cuddling, canoodling, snuggling, kissing, or touching of any kind."_

_"Oh wow. Okay, then." I replied, placing my hands into my pockets, "No 'funny business.'"_

_"I know it's a lot, Al, but they said that they're fine with us holding hands and stuff when we're with them. They just don't want us –"_

_"I get it, babe. No sex this weekend. I got it." I stated bluntly, turning to walk out the door._

_"Alison." She whispered sternly. She only called me Alison when she was upset, telling me something important, or turned on and from the 'no funny business' policy, I doubted it was the latter. I turned around sighing as she continued, "We literally just talked about how this weekend was about showing my dad how happy I am, and how happy we are. I get that them creating this policy is just further evidence that they don't trust us or our relationship, okay? I know it isn't cool, but my dad knows no different. He has never seen you respect his explicit rules and has no clue if he can trust you to take care of me. Please don't be upset already."_

_I walked past her to sit on the bed, "I'm not upset at the rule, Emily. Of course, I will respect any and all rules your parents have under their roof this weekend. I'm just nervous, and I want to impress them, and knowing that they will be looking over my shoulder the whole time just makes me think I'm going to mess this up somehow."_

_"We're in this together, okay? But if we don't get downstairs soon, they'll think the 'funny business' rule has already been broken. Come on." She stood up and began walking out the door a few feet in front of me headed to the stairs._

_"Wait, Em," I whispered, sounding concerned. The moment she turned around, I placed my hand on her cheek and kissed her. She stepped away from me confused as if I had broken my promise so quickly, "Look, babe." I pointed to where we were standing, just outside of the guest room door. "No funny business IN either of our ROOMS. See? Told you I can follow the rules." I stepped around her to continue toward the stairs, listening to her chuckle behind me as I went._

_"Mom? Dad?" Emily called, as we looped around the corner at the bottom of the stairs, letting Emily be a foot in front of me as we entered the kitchen. "Alison's here."_

_She tilted her shoulders open to me, grasping my hand as I began talking, "Hey ,um, thank you so much for hosting me this weekend, Mr. and Mrs. Fields."_

_Mrs. Fields stepped forward first and wrapped me in an uncomfortable and hesitant hug, "Thank you for coming, Alison. We're looking forward to spending more time with you."_

_Mr. Fields stood right behind her as he extended his right hand for me to shake while his left was rested on his wife's shoulder, "Alison, thanks for coming. We were just finishing up cooking for dinner tonight." His hand dropped as he turned back toward the kitchen, "Emmy, can you come and help me get the plates ready to go? Your mom had mentioned earlier that she wanted to talk to Alison real quick."_

_"Yes, sir." Emily replied, letting go of my hand and kissing me on the cheek before walking around her mom to assist Mr. Fields._

_I followed Emily's mom into the living room where we sat across from each other. I knew exactly where this conversation was headed and wanted to end it as soon as possible._

_"Ali-"_

_"Mrs. Fi-"_

_We both started the conversation simultaneously, chuckling as I waved my hand for her to continue._

_"Alison, before spending the next 3 days together, I just wanted to make sure you knew how sorry I was for the conversation we had last fall. I was caught off guard by Emily's behavior, and it's taken a lot for me to see how I placed that frustration at the time on you. I want you to know that I honestly didn't mean what I said."_

_I took a breath, knowing that this was the apology I had waited months for, but also knowing that I needed to say my piece, too, "Yes ma'am. I understand that, and I'm sorry for being rude as well. I was just trying to protect –"_

_"We both were, Alison. I still may not fully understand your relationship -" She saw my mouth open to interrupt and stopped me before I could speak, "- which is what I'm hoping to do this weekend." She paused again, reaching out to briefly hold my hand, "But if there is one thing I know me, you, and her dad have in common, it's that we all just want what is best for Emily."_

_"I'm happy that we have some common ground, Mrs. Fields. I wouldn't have agreed to this weekend if I wasn't ready to do whatever was needed to make her happy." I looked down to the rug on the hardwood floor, hoping Mrs. Fields would interrupt the silence._

_"I know that now, Alison. Thank you for speaking with me. Ready for dinner?" She began to stand as she let go of my hand._

_We walked into the dining room just as Mr. Fields and Emily were walking in with our plates. Emily made eye contact with me and smiled from ear to ear as though we hadn't seen each other in weeks. I loved that about her. It's like every time we saw each other no matter how long we had spent apart that she was reminded of how much we meant to each other. It was as if she was falling in love all over again. It made it impossible for me to not smile back at her._

_Sitting down to her right, she slid her hand under the table to squeeze my hand. After kissing the top of my hand lightly, she let go and started the dinner conversation. For the next 24 hours, everything went smoothly. We played board games, watched movies, looked at Emily's baby photos, and talked extendedly about the past year her dad had missed. Throughout the day, Emily would find ways to show affection toward me in front of her parents. Whether that was putting her arm around me while watching a movie or asking me if I needed anything when she got up or racing to find me in the kitchen on Saturday morning to tell me she missed me after sleeping in separate rooms. Emily was keen on making sure her parents knew she loved me._

_I, on the other hand, reciprocated all of Emily's moves but was tentative to try too much without Mr. Fields truly knowing me as his daughter's girlfriend. Fortunately that Saturday night, Emily and Mrs. Fields decided to head to bed early, leaving Mr. Fields and me on the front porch to have our first one-on-one conversation._

_We sat in silence for a few moments before he broke the tension, "So, Alison, thank you again for joining us this weekend. I've enjoyed getting to know you better."_

_"Yeah, I have been pleasantly surprised myself. You know, I was pretty nervous knocking on your door yesterday afternoon."_

_He chuckled before responding to me, leaning back in his chair, "I'm sure that comes a lot from what Emmy has told you about us. I'm sure you know it's taken her mom and me a long time to understand, especially when you and Emmy had been friends for so long. Last night when I was out here alone, I put myself into your shoes, and I think I would have been nervous, too. Staying with anyone's family is daunting, but to have such grace while you've been here, Alison, even with knowing our reluctance… it has been a pleasure."_

_"Wow. Thank you for recognizing that. I've never really been put in this position before Mr. Fields, and so I wasn't quite sure the best way to approach everything. Even when Emily and I were just friends, you and I never had a chance to talk. I'm sure you are reluctant because you don't really know me, and I understand. I hope that I'm able to show your family who I am, but I do know that takes time…" My voice trailed, not knowing where to take the conversation._

_"Do you mind if I take the opportunity now? I do have some questions for you if you're open to that." He seemed nervous, too. I had assumed that Mr. Fields was more aggressive than his wife. At first, it appeared that his exterior was a wall to prevent people from getting too close when in reality, all he wanted was to make sure his wife and daughter were safe._

_"Of course," I laughed, "You know, I've never been in this situation. I, well, I went on a few dates with a couple of guys before Emily, and I can only assume my dad grilled them. I never quite expected to be on the other side."_

_He laughed in reply, "I guess that's a good first question then, Alison. I want to apologize in advance for my potential ignorance; my intention is to just learn more about your interest in my daughter. But if you had gone out with- other people- before, why Emmy?"_

_I couldn't believe that he was really just jumping right in there. But it was okay, I could do this, "Well, Mr. Fields, Emily is actually the only woman I've ever dated," I paused, wanting to frame my choice of words, perfectly, "And when we first dated, I was scared. Really scared. I remember agonizing over every little detail of what a relationship with her would mean, and then I realized that Emily, for as long as I could remember, had supported me. Despite my desire for perfection, and my selfishness, and my stubbornness, she was always there. And it wasn't until we broke up that summer that I even put together that I was bisexual. I, uh…" I trailed off again, realizing that I had never truly said any of what I was about to say out loud before, "Wow. Um, I never even got to tell my mom this stuff. One second."_

_I gulped despite having a dry mouth and took a deep breath to gather myself._

_"You're fine, Alison. Take your time."_

_"I started evaluating myself and who I wanted to become in spite of losing my mother at such a young age, and I realized that I wanted and needed to be honest. Before Em, I had only ever gone on dates with men because I thought it's what society expected of me. I thought that it would keep me in this mold of perfection and that if I tricked myself and those around me long enough, it would go away. And then my life could remain stable. No risks, no chances, only me stuffing down who I was repetitively. But Emily…" I smiled through my slowly-falling tears, "Emily is the only person who will ever be worth the risk. And I know that you asked this question because you're puzzled as to why I could date men and then all of a sudden date your daughter, but I fell in love with the person you raised. The person who puts others first and loves without regard or hesitation. You raised her to be the most caring and passionate individual I've ever met." I looked up to meet his eyes, "And she happens to be a woman. And I happen to be a woman. But Mr. Fields, I would take the pain of me coming out and being criticized by my own family and people at school over and over again if it meant I would be with your daughter at the end of it."_

_"Okay," He acknowledged reassuringly, impressed by my response, "So you love her?"_

_I recounted the words I had just said and realized that 3 minutes into the first conversation I had ever had with my girlfriend's dad that I had told him I was in love with her. I gulped again to respond, "Yes, sir. Um, I love her more than I've loved anyone."_

_"Good. She loves you too. I can tell." I looked up at him to find him staring out into the night sky, "I hope you know how sorry Pam and I are for not making it to your mother's funeral."_

_"No, it's alright." I tried to brush off the comment, knowing how few of the people closest to me, Emily included, didn't attend either._

_"It's really not alright. Even though Emily didn't want to ruin the day by her being there, we should have gone. It was selfish of us to not see past everything that led up to the funeral."_

_I was confused by his reasoning, but decided to ignore the remark, "Thank you, I didn't even know you were in town."_

_"Well, it was kind of a spur of the moment leave from the base. I got into town just a few days after your mother entered the hospital." his voice struggled, obviously feeling some pain through recounting this memory._

_"But Emily never – "_

_"No, Alison. She didn't ever tell you I came into town. In fact, I barely saw her the three weeks I was here. She worked with your brother on every detail of that funeral. You know, I think she might even still, one second." Mr. Fields stood up and walked inside the house._

_I knew Emily helped Jason; she reminded me of as much throughout our last few months together our Freshman year. But what could Mr. Fields possibly be going to get? He walked out of the front door with a black, 8 ½" by 11" Moleskin notebook, passing it to me as he sat down._

_"I'm not sure if I should be the one to show you this, but this is what occupied her time…" He paused, allowing me to open the first page._

_Inside was a checklist, well, three checklists. On the first page, it just said Alison on the left and Jason on the right. Under each headline were tasks. Mine only had 4 underneath: Take shower night before, Curl hair, Wear black dress from Neiman Marcus (pg. 82), Do makeup from night of homecoming dance (pg. 83). All four of them were checked. Under Jason's list there were a few more things, but not too many more. When you turned the page though, you saw Emily's name followed by a list that had to have over 200 tasks on the next 3 pages. Each one had page numbers, dates, arrows, checkmarks, cross throughs. It was a maze. But as you flipped to each page there were notes, notes that I came to realize were about my mom. Things like how she only liked one kind of nail polish: "Carnal Red" by Tom Ford, and details on her favorite hymns, favorite foods, receipts, a step by step checklist to make sure Emily didn't spend any more than my mother had allotted for the funeral. There were details on the timing for the music played during the slideshow that involved hundreds of pictures of my family, and the order those photos should be displayed. There were mock-ups of the program, six different versions from what I could see, all marked up with Hanna's handwriting. There were five separate checkmarks labeled "Change out Alison's flowers" as though every few days, she added more tasks to the list going week by week. And there on pages 82 and 83 were my dress and photo of Emily and me at homecoming taped inside. She had planned everything down to the smallest of details. She had even saved enough money to hire someone the day-of to run everything for Jason; I had always thought Jason had done that. I had always thought Emily just helped with the small pieces that Jason didn't think ahead on, but here she was with a 100-page journal dedicated to her planning. For me._

_"She, uh, she even had a checklist for the day-of on the last page." He interrupted my train of thought._

_I flipped to the last page that included 20 tasks on how to support me, but those had been crossed out with a big X. The only to items left on Emily's day-of checklist were: Tell Spencer to do the above tasks and Let Alison grieve without you. Written to the right, it had another header, "Days Alison Hasn't Spoken To You" with tally marks underneath._

_"Wow." That was all I could say as tears streamed down my face, "She had told me for months that she couldn't be by my side all of the time and I figured it's because I was too depressing, or Emily was too withdrawn herself, but she experienced my mother's funeral more than I ever even had to."_

_"It's all she did, Alison. Anytime her mother or I questioned her about it, she would tell us, 'Alison promised her mom I'd take care of her! How else am I supposed to take care of her right now?' She couldn't bear to see you so upset and then not be able to say anything about the plans, so she took care of you the best way she could. From afar." I sobbed, clutching the notebook in my hands as he continued, "We promised Emily that we would keep it a secret, but I think this is why Pam got so upset when she found out you two were dating again. Yes, we don't fully understand, but we also saw how destroyed she was unable to help you. We've never disapproved of you, Alison. We just didn't want to see her lose herself again."_

_I nodded. "I understand, and I'm sorry I put your family through that."_

_Mr. Fields reached over, placing his hand on my knee, "Everyone deals with grief differently, Alison. You're okay. Any resentment or anger we may have had has long passed." He stood up and moved toward the door, "Alison?" He questioned, causing my head to turn toward him, "Thank you for loving my daughter."_

_I took a few more minutes to gather myself before clutching onto the book and bringing it inside. My head was spinning, but all I really wanted to do was to be with my girlfriend, which I hadn't forgotten was against the 'funny business' policy. I climbed the stairs, stopping in front of Emily's door, hesitating in front of the doorknob. It was then I heard Mr. Fields' bedroom door downstairs close as he came to make sure I wasn't still on the front porch. He ensured the front door was locked and the front lights were turned off before turning back around and looking upstairs. I looked at him with my eyes bulging, terrified of his response._

_He chuckled before whispering, "It's okay, Alison. I trust you." before making a hand motion indicating that I could go inside. I mouthed the word 'thanks' before opening the door._

_I curled into bed next to Emily, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her just behind her ear._

_"Thank you," I whispered trying not to wake her up._

_"For what?" she mumbled just barely awakened from her sleep._

_"Don't worry about it." I paused. But internally still being intrigued and baffled by the conversation I had just finished, I decided to pry, "Also, what's my mom's favorite flower?"_

_"A forget-me-not. Why?" Emily adjusted her body to be closer to mine._

_"Oh, and what song played during that slideshow made for the funeral?"_

_"How Great Thou…" she stopped, completely turning around to face me, "He told you, didn't he?"_

_I nodded, leaning forward and kissing her passionately, "I love you, Em. We can talk more about it tomorrow, but thank you."_

_"Wait." She pushed away from me to get to the other side of the bed, "Why are you in here?"_

_"Oh, don't worry!" I exclaimed, wiggling myself over to be Emily's little spoon, wrapping her arm around my waist, "I got permission." I leaned my head to the right to make eye contact with her, "I think he likes me."_

* * *

Looking at Emily tonight sent me right back to those first memories of feeling like part of the Fields' family. It was the first of many of "Mr. Fields and Alison's" late night talks on the front porch. Nothing stuck out in my mind more than our last chat though which, without fail, caused tears to swell in my eyes. With Emily's grief being on the forefront, it was difficult to find time to grieve too. I felt such a bond with Mr. Fields. He was the only person that I told about what it was like to come out, not even Emily. Talking to him was like talking to someone I knew all my life. He treated me like a second daughter, and I couldn't help but be indebted to him for that.

I turned over to face Emily, restless and wide awake. And like always, I studied her face. She was lying on her back, forever angelic and focused when she slept. Peaceful but serious. For as many times as I had studied her though, something about tonight was different. Her fist was tightened underneath her chin instead of having her palm open, facing out. Her eyebrows were furrowed causing small wrinkles between her eyes. Her jaw appeared clenched as her jawline was more defined than it even was usually. Because of these details, I leaned in closer to see if I could tell if she was stressed. But as I put my hand down next to her to elevate myself over her, my hand became drenched in cold sweat dripping from her body that was pooling around her and beginning to bead on her face.

"Em, Emily!" I panicked, tapping her shoulder incessantly, "Wake up!"

"What? What?" she popped up, immediately realizing how covered her body was in her own sweat. "Oh no, I must have had a nightmare, Al. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You don't have to be sorry; it was just a dream. You're fine, Em. You want to talk about it? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm fine." Emily shrugged, a little annoyed at me continuing to ask, "I'm gonna go take a shower real quick, okay?"

"Uh… sure?" The confusion in my tone came from Emily impulsively stripping in front of me before heading to the shower, just leaving her clothes in a pile next to the bed, completely atypical of any behavior I had seen before. "I guess I'll change the sheets, babe?"

"Yeah, thank you. Let me just rinse off!" she called again from the restroom turning the shower on.

I couldn't process what was happening. Why wasn't she more terrified waking up? This had never happened before. It had to have been a dream about her dad, right? She didn't want me to worry, but after everything else that had happened the past few weeks…

I definitely could not let this pass.

* * *

**A/N: Whew. I hope you all enjoyed a lengthy glimpse into the past, the first look at Alison and Emily's dad bonding, and Alison being more confused than ever about the current emotional state of her girlfriend. See you all Tuesday! :)  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**See you next time loves,**

**-secretpen28**


	7. Sober

**A/N: Just wanted to thank each and every person for reading. These characters are such a pleasure to write for and I am so appreciative that you guys are all willing to read it.**

**This chapter is a hard Teen rating for cursing, verbal harassment, and drug abuse.**

* * *

Over the weeks since I found that prescription bottle, my life had both come together and entirely fallen apart. The anxiety surrounding my dad's death was down and in fact, I rarely even thought of him unless I focused intensely on the whole thing. But the anxiety surrounding my relationships, with friends and family and Alison, were on the decline. No, nothing had actually happened yet. No one had found me out, but I could feel myself declining. I could feel the foundation cracking. I could feel _my_ foundation cracking.

My favorite activity of the week, other than spending every moment I could with my loving girlfriend, was always Sunday afternoon coffee with Hanna. It was an institution that lasted the entirety of our friendship. Even during college, we met up on Skype or FaceTime every Sunday at 2 (Chicago time) with coffee in our hands. Hanna was the only person who knew the full extent of my previous stint on pills, so I knew that I couldn't take as much as I had been to see her.

She was the one link to my past whose relationship had never changed. This was both a good thing and a bad thing because she could see past the bullshit. On most days was a good thing, but on a day like today, seeing past the bullshit was the last thing I needed her to do.

Sitting out front of The Brew, I pulled down the vanity mirror to double check my makeup. One of the side effects I wasn't planning, along with the frequency to wake up with night sweats, were deep bags under my eyes. I sighed knowing that the prescriptions I never used after my surgery were quickly running out. I had told myself that I would only use them as a temporary solution so that I didn't have to rely so heavily on Alison, but as the days continued on, I knew this solution would be anything but temporary.

It wasn't that I ever actually felt high, per se. Instead, they just allowed me to breathe lighter. I could go through my daily motions without having to fake it; the pills were faking it for me. But I knew I was betraying my girlfriend. I was abandoning her trust every time I reached for the screw off top. I closed my eyes knowing that I was hiding from Hanna, too.

My single deep breath was interrupted mid-inhale as Hanna ferociously knocked on my driver's side window, "What the hell are you prepping for in there, Em?" she screamed through the closed door.

"Damn, Han. I was just trying to release some stress." I stumbled over my words getting out of the car, rubbing my nose to distract from the lies pouring out of my mouth.

"Ooh, problems in paradise?" Hanna questioned over her shoulder as she opened the door for both of us.

I shook my head, trying to come up with a reason, "No, everything with Alison is fine. I just have a lot going through my head."

"Cool." Hanna nodded, unassured, "How about you go find us a seat? I'll grab us drinks and food! What do you want today?"

I waved my hand in her direction, "Don't worry about it. I'm really not hungry today. Must be the stress."

Walking toward the table, I noticed my hand subtlely beginning to shake, another side effect I hadn't anticipated. I placed my hands flat on the table, making eye contact with Hanna to give her a confident smile before reaching over to squeeze the pulse point between my thumb and pointer finger. It was the only help I had found for this reaction and tended to be my solution even when I felt my hand starting to tremble while holding Alison's. I had noticed the looks she had been giving me any time I pulled away, but her being pissed about me not holding her hand as much was better than her being pissed about another loved one taking painkillers.

"So what's new Em?" Hanna asked, plopping down at her seat across from me, pushing an Americano toward me.

I sniffled as I pushed the coffee back her direction, before composing myself to continue the conversation as normal as I could, "Um, not much really. I was just working on setting goals for myself throughout the week, you know?"

Not fully a lie. I was trying to set new goals to evade questions from friends and family, but none of those were productive. They were goals like counting the number of steps to get from one side of the house to the other and sleeping for as long as I could before Alison attempted to wake me up.

"Yeah, I remember Ali really needing those…" Her voice fell off a bit, "Spence used to tell me all about them. I'm sure it can get sometimes tiring though, with Alison always making sure you're okay?"

"Sometimes, I guess." I replied, trying not to make direct eye contact, "I'm ready to just find the new normal."

Hanna nodded in my direction, hoping for me to elaborate. She readjusted herself in her chair when she realized I wasn't going to respond to the extent she had expected, "The new normal? Like going back to school, I guess."

'Shit.' I thought internally, knowing that with August being 4 short weeks away, people were bound the start asking about school again. I wiped my nose, coughing lightly before responding, "Uh, no. I wasn't planning on going back…" I dropped my voice at the end of my sentence, hoping that it would come off casual and not depressed.

"Woah, no. Rewind. You're not 'planning on going back' for your Senior year of college?" Hanna mimicked my speech, duplicating precisely what I did not want to occur when I made this news known.

I tucked my hair before my face, knowing that I needed to stick behind what I wanted to do, "No, I need to stay here. Be with my mom." I looked at Hanna, hoping my directness would have her stop asking me questions.

"So you are trying to tell me that you are not returning to college, where you are BEING PAID to swim. A sport that you love. So that you can finish out school here in Rosewood at God-knows-where?"

"No, I'm not going back, Hanna, to any school. It's not that hard to get."

"You're telling me this as though Ali's okay with it, but you haven't even told her, have you?" Hanna stared me down catching me in the most significant controversy of this decision.

I squeezed between my fingers even more tightly than before, my leg bouncing up and down from being confronted, "I was waiting for the right time."

She laughed, "The right time? The right time?!" Her voice progressively getting louder, "You're waiting for the right time to tell your girlfriend of almost 5 years that you are not going to back to Chicago with her in a few weeks where you both are supposed to be moving into an apartment together, after 3 years of not living in the same part of town?"

"I mean when you put it like that…" I knew Hanna was making valid points, but I was becoming increasingly more agitated in her confronting me.

"Put it like what, Em? You sound insane! I get that you're going through some shit, but you shouldn't be making decisions like this so quickly."

That was it. I stood up, tired of people attempting to tell me what to do with my life, "I sound insane?" I pointed my finger at her, noticing the light trembling, but ignoring it to get my point across, "My fucking father died. You don't have a right to tell me what decisions I can make and which ones I can't. If I want to take my time to tell Alison, then you need to respect that. I am making choices for my future that are best for me. Don't act like you know what's best."

As I finally took a breath, I realized that Hanna had pushed herself backward in her chair to move away from the harshness of my voice, "It was just a suggestion, Em. Sorry for hitting a soft spot. I was just trying to help."

I scoffed before walking out the door, "Next time you're looking to help, don't."

I muttered curse words underneath my breath as I walked away from Hanna. That is not how I wanted the first time telling someone that I didn't want to go back to school to go. I had expected push back, but it was what was best for me. I needed to be near my mom and near my dad, no matter how far away from me they currently felt.

Alison would understand. We had done long distance before. Yes, that distance was 20 miles, but even then she was always there for me. This would be just the same. We would be okay; she could still come to my rescue if needed.

Right?

* * *

_Even though I gave her permission for this to happen, I was still pissed. The transition of going to two different universities was always going to be hard to tackle, but until the swimming season official started, it appeared as though Emily was going to find the separation near impossible._

_The drive from Loyola to UChicago was never trying to make but knowing that I had to leave my Freshman year opening mixer with other students in my major and faculty to go pick up my wasted girlfriend from a random frat party made me seethe. I kept repeating that I needed to be grateful she called me. I needed to be thankful that she didn't attempt to drive, or find someone else who could._

_Pulling up to the address sent to me by one of her friends, I kept repeating under my breath, "You love her. You love her. You love her."_

_Adjusting the dress I was wearing to ensure it fully covered my ass as I got out of the car, I already regretted not going back to my dorm to throw on some pants. It was just perfect that I was going from a function that required me to get all dolled up because the men sitting on the front lawn obviously believed I had dressed up just for them._

_'Hey, beautiful! That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?'_

_'Oooh baby, if I flipped a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?'_

_My brain stopped processing anything after those two Neanderthals. I was here on a mission, and as much as I would have loved to have time to turn around and give them a taste of their own bullshit, I knew that Emily needed me more than I needed to mouth off. Opening the front door, I was immediately met with a kitchen full of students and liquor. I exchanged some hellos and continued my way through the party. The music was too loud. The rooms were too full._

_Looking back and forth attempting to figure out where the hell my girlfriend was, I finally saw a familiar face, "Ali! She's over here!"_

_I uncomfortably smiled walking over to Emily's friend, Ava, "Hey." I shrugged, "Thanks for helping me get here. Where is she?"_

_"We got her into a bedroom because she was falling all over the place." Ava continued, leading me down a hallway further back in the house._

_"How did this even happen? You seem fine…" I asked, concerned for Emily's sake._

_"Oh yeah, I only started drinking when we got here. Em, on the other hand, pre-gamed with some other girls from our dorm too. They didn't make it out because well, you know." She attempted to justify the Emily I was about to see on the other side of the door. Opening it slowly, her last words to me were, "Just don't be mad at her, okay?"_

_I laughed in Ava's face pushing the door open, as she had no real clue of who I was. But opening the door, I realized why she wanted me to clear my head. There was Emily splayed across a bed in only her bra and underwear, her head hanging off of one side as her legs went two different directions. Her make- up was smudged though it was unclear if that was due to crying or some incident from the night I may never know about. Her mouth hung open and the only clear cut sign of her still being alive was the deep heaving of breaths coming from her lifeless body._

_"We tried to get her back into the dress, but she won't put it on again." Ava stuttered from behind me._

_"And why not?" I snapped, as Emily began to mumble from the bed._

_"She vomited on it…" Words that Ava attempted to hide by turning completely around back toward the bedroom door._

_I scoffed, waving my hands walking to the door myself, "Perfect! Thanks. Leave it all to me, I guess." I commented sarcastically, pushing the door closed, and locking it behind me._

_Walking over to the bed, I sat down next to Emily's head, "Oh, Em…" I sighed, pushing her hair out of her face, "What'd you do, babe?"_

_Hearing my voice directed to her, she turned to face me. Her eyes opened less than halfway, and the shape of her mouth immediately indicated the slurs that were to follow, "Yay… you made it."_

_"Yeah, Em, thank you for inviting me. We're gonna need to get you dressed now, okay?" Even with the sharp tone I just had with Ava, looking here at Emily helpless and still, oh so cute, I couldn't help but raise my voice an octave higher and help her out. Anger could come tomorrow._

_Emily pushed, or at least attempted to push, her way up onto my lap, curling her legs into a ball behind her, "I can't. I ruined it."_

_Her voice trailed off as I looked around the room trying to figure out how to get her back into her dress. I stood up, hoping that I could rinse it off in the sink, when Emily began turning and speaking again, "I'm sorry, Ali. I made you drive all this way and onl…" she attempted to stand in her heels, causing her ankle to quickly give way as she stumbled to the floor._

_"Woah, there beautiful," I exclaimed, catching her around the waist, so she didn't fall on her face._

_Standing back up, she fell toward my chest, "I'm sorry." She said again, this time getting inches away from my face._

_I laughed while still holding her up, "Thank you for calling me. Can you help me get you dressed?"_

_She nodded, while I escorted her to the restroom so she could sit on the toilet while propping herself on the wall. I spent a few minutes cleaning off her dress, which apparently none of the girls she had known for less than a month were willing to do, before turning around to find Emily looking right at me._

_"Why do… you look so hot tonight?" She pointed at my dress a little off center from where I was actually standing._

_"Here, let's get up for a minute." I stated, wrapping Emily's left arm around my shoulders before calling out, "Okay, ready? We're going to stand. One, Two, Three, Go." Even with me doing much of the heavy lifting, I was able to get Emily up and started walking her back over the bed before continuing, "And Em, I look so hot because I was at the mixer tonight. Do you remember that was happening?"_

_Effectively ignoring my statement, Emily sat up on the bed, slumped at the waist to her right, "If you were here, I would have hit on you."_

_I chuckled while starting to bunch her dress up around the neck and armholes so that I could pull it over here head, "I am here, silly."_

_She put her hand toward my mouth as if to shush me, "No, at the party tonight."_

_"Baby, we're still at the party tonight. Raise your hands, okay?"_

_Emily worked on holding her head somewhat level while also keeping her arms above her head as I shimmied the dress down her tanned and fit body._

_"If I wasn't drunk… I could have my way with you." She stuttered, clumsily walking around the bedroom while attempting to bend over to pick up her purse._

_"Oh! Let's not do that!" I replied, barely catching both Emily's arm and the back of her dress which was attempting to show off a little more of her ass than I needed the public to see, "Em? We're not going to bend over anymore tonight while we're here, okay?"_

_She nodded before continuing her previous thought, "I would have told you about your eyes." She spun her way around to face me, putting her hands around me._

_After all of the excitement thus far, I decided I would play along for a few more minutes, "My eyes? That's sweet."_

_"Yeah, I could have said they look the best in that other shirt you have… it's blue too." She smiled and laughed silently at herself as if she had made a joke._

_"How would you know about my pretty blue shirt if you were just meeting me at the party though, Em?"_

_She looked at me confused, "It's in your closet door thing. You wore it."_

_Realizing how pointless this was, I gave up, "Oh, you're right. I would've told you 'Thank you.'"_

_"See? You would fall for me - if not drunk." She began closing her point, but instead of focusing on me, her eyes were now entirely centered on my chest._

_I put my finger underneath her chin, lifting it up as I spoke, "Emily? My eyes are up here. You know it's rude to stare." I finished my sentence as we began turning toward the door to leave._

_"But I love you, and you're my girlfriend." She attempted to lean to her left to kiss me despite us walking forward._

_"Okay, killer, let's stop one second." I commented while Emily jostled around to get her footing again, "You are right about both of those things though." I kissed her briefly, "And I love you."_

_She leaned in a second time, dragging her hand up my back to hold my head against her lips forcefully, "Woah, woah, woah." I leaned away sputtering, "I get that you're trying to 'have your way with me,' but Em, it's not going to happen tonight, okay?"_

_She nodded and put her head on my shoulder as I led her out through the party and out the front door. I rolled my eyes before even stepping foot onto the grass knowing that I was going back into the line of fire._

_'Dude, look! Two fine pieces of ass leaving together!'_

_'You ladies need a third?'_

_"Emily, ignore them," I muttered harshly toward her as we walked, or stumbled, to the car. She turned her head to look at them before looking back at me to speak._

_"I think they're jealous." She replied as I opened my passenger's door to help her in, "It's because I'm going home with the hot one." She slapped my ass for good measure, sending the boys behind us heads rolling._

_"Yeah, yeah, you're right babe." I ushered her into the car quickly wanting this 30 seconds of my life to end, "Put on your seat belt."_

_Closing the door behind her, I turned back around facing the men on the grass, rolling my eyes again before beginning to walk around the car._

_"Hey! Can you answer a question for me?" One of the douches on steroids shouted, my head popping up to look at him, "Who fucks who?"_

_"What?" I looked disgustedly back at him, hoping I had woefully misunderstood._

_"You heard me! When you are in bed together," he started reframing the sentence and speaking with more emphasis, as if I were an idiot, "How do you decide who will be the man? Who? Fucks? Who?"_

_I started walking back around my car, holding a finger up to Emily indicating for her to wait briefly as she looked out the window utterly confused, "Do I know you?" I asked while walking closer._

_"No?" He began to stutter, recognizing that my pace was actually increasing after I asked, "I don't think so."_

_Marching right up in front of him, staring nearly straight up as he was an entire head taller than me, I continued, "Then what gives you the damn right to make any comment in my direction?"_

_His friends all 'ooh'd' around him. "I just thought tha -" He attempted to continue._

_"No, you didn't fucking think. Because if you had, you would have realized what an idiotic question that is! What I choose to do with my girlfriend will never be any of your damn business!"_

_He stepped a little closer to me, getting some courage, "And what are you gonna do about it, bitch." He spoke up under his breath so I was the only person who could fully hear._

_"Tonight, nothing, because my girlfriend needs me to take her home," I started backing away, "But if I see you again, and I hope to God I don't, and you even try to speak to either me or her, it will be the last time you ever insult a woman."_

_I turned around to walk back to the car as the imbecile I was speaking to walked back to sit in his lawn chair. As I approached my car door though, I looked back at him to finish, "And don't be an idiot! Get a new construct in your head of gender roles, and while you're at it, look up some lesbian porn… it seems like you might learn a thing or two!"_

_As soon as I sat in the car, I took a deep breath hoping to fight off the shaking that was beginning to take over due to adrenaline._

_"You okay?" Emily asked, rolling her head over toward me._

_I reached over to hold her hand as we pulled away, "Yeah babe, we're fine."_

_It took a quick drive across campus to get Emily back to her dorm room, where we used a side entrance to avoid the front desk officer on duty. It appeared as though Emily's roommate was out for the night based on her bed being made but empty when we got inside. I laid Emily down on the bed as I walked back over to the sink in her room to begin taking my make up off._

_From her curled up position, Emily began speaking again, "You know, Al?" she paused, waiting for me to reply._

_"What is it?"_

_"No, no, come sit… on my… on the bed. I want to see your eyes."_

_"Okay…" I groaned, dragging the make-up wipe along with me as I took a seat at the end of her bed. I took hold of her hand that was fully extended and grasping for mine. "What is it?"_

_"Someday, Alison." I tilted my head when she paused again, "Someday, I'm gonna marry the fuck out of you."_

_I belly laughed, "Oh you are, are you?"_

_Her eyes closed as she smiled and nodded, "Yeah, so hard."_

_I stood up and placed a kiss on her temple, "Well, I'm so happy to hear that. I was worried there for a minute."_

_"Worried! Why?" she asked exasperatedly, obviously not getting the sarcasm weaved through my statement._

_Peeling my dress off in front of her before grabbing a shirt from her dresser, I replied, "No, of course, I'm not worried, Em."_

_I unhooked my bra to toss on the floor and then crawled into her bed. Emily draped herself over me as she kept talking, "Good. Because you really gave that man some shit. It was really hot."_

_"I'm happy you think so," I replied, lacing my hand with hers next to my face, "Just so you know, I plan on marrying you too."_

_"You do! Oh, good. That's really good, Al." I closed my eyes as Emily continued talking behind me, pausing between every few words, "I thought you'd be mad to pick me up. But you were nice. Thank you. I got lucky. You love me, and you're hot. Like really hot. Did I know how hot you were even yesterday? Man, I can't wait for morning so I can put moves on you then. Cause you told me to stop and I listen to my girlfriend. I am lucky. You are hot and feisty and want to marry me. I got drunk and hit the jackpot. That's good. I lucked out."_

_As her mumbling faded and was replaced with deep breaths and heavy snores, I reflected on everything Emily had said. She was quite the amenable drunk, but she was wrong about one thing in her statement…Out of the two of us, I was definitely the lucky one._

* * *

Since Emily and I had reunited, Sunday afternoon tended to be my time to be alone. Even with Jason in the picture, I always felt as though I was an only child, whether that be how my mom doted on me or how my dad ignored me. So for as much as I loved any time I could spend with Emily, it's only competition was being alone. Typically, I would go get my nails done, squeeze in a back massage, or focus on cleaning the house. Just little things that renewed my spirit for the new week and reminded me of my appreciation for Emily's love and Hanna's consistency.

The same was true for Emily after the events from Thursday; it was my biggest hope that Emily just needed someone else by her side other than me to get through this weird phase of denial and impulse. She had become distant but in the realm of being directly in front of you and yet paying no attention to you. Her name had to be called more than once to snap her out of her constant daydream. In moments with lulls, she no longer reached for my hand.

So it was my sincerest hope that when she returned home today, she would duplicate every coming home that had previously occurred after talking to Hanna. Whether at home or away at school, Emily would leave her talks with Hanna and come find me for our Sunday date night. The door would open, and she would scamper to wherever I was talking as fast as she possibly could to tell me everything about Rosewood, our friends, and Hanna and Caleb's relationship. Any previous anxieties or turmoil would melt away.

It was my deepest hope that Emily would open that front door and call out for me as she always did. But this Sunday, around the time I would usually hear Emily's key in my door, I heard my phone ring, instead.

As I flipped over my phone to the front screen and saw Hanna's name, I immediately wondered if Emily had left her phone at home and needed to ask me something, so she used Hanna's. But as I placed the phone up to my ear to speak, I immediately regretted answering it in the first place. Not because I had any ill-feelings toward speaking to Hanna, but because it confirmed my suspicions all along.

"Hey baby, did you leave your ph-" I was interrupted by Hanna's voice.

"Alison. It's Hanna, not Emily. I…I need to talk to you." Her voice sounded worried as if she was on the verge of tears.

"Okay? Are you alright? Is Emily still there?" I stood up from the kitchen island increasingly concerned with whatever was to follow.

"No! She just stormed out of here, and I need you to just listen, okay? I have to tell you this before she gets home because I don't think I did what was best for her last time and with how much you love her and will always be there for her, I just feel guilty and know that this time around I can't do that again. I can't put her ahead of what she needs most. Even if this breaks you, Al, you can't let it break your relationship, okay?" She rambled in circles for what felt like minutes at a time.

"Hanna? What the hell are you trying to tell me?" My voice becoming increasingly agitated with the trajectory of the conversation.

"There's something wrong with Emily."

* * *

**A/N: What a chapter. I loved looking at college Emison and drunk Emily, who of course could only be adorable and loving. Next chapter up on Friday.  
**

**Love you all! Please leave comments! It truly does help me know your thoughts on the world I'm creating for these characters.**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	8. Lies

**A/N: This chapter includes a flashback within the flashback. It should be an obvious transition, but it is indicated with _bold and_** _italics._

**Once again, hard T rating for drug abuse, light harassment, and cursing. I'm sure y'all get it, but better to be safe than sorry!**

* * *

I walked into Alison's house about 10 minutes after leaving The Brew which gave me enough time to calm myself down from yelling at Hanna. As I opened the door, I could hear Alison speaking to someone.

"Yep, I got it covered… Thanks for letting me know… Yep… Yeah, already… I'll keep you posted… Yeah, bye."

I was halfway up the stairs by the time I heard her call out for me, "Em? Are you home?"

"Yeah, I just have to use the restroom! I'll be right down!"

The side effects for not taking any Vicodin since last night were wearing on me. I could barely focus while driving and was continuously shaking and sweating. I just needed two to level me out. I could wipe myself off, and by the time I was going downstairs, the effects would be able to kick in. I could last 4 minutes in front of Alison without showing.

"Whew, finally." I exhaled, closing the bathroom door behind me. Walking to the cabinet, I opened the door to reach behind the storage of toilet paper to open the small red overnight make-up bag. The same spot where I kept them at my house.

But when I opened the bag, the pill bottle was gone.

It had to be a mistake. I had to have placed it somewhere else… I started combing the restroom before I heard Alison's voice again.

"Emily? What's going on? Are you okay? Do you need me to come up there?"

She sounded concerned. There was no way I could have Alison finding me in here looking around. I adjusted myself in the mirror and started wiping off my face, "No, babe! I'm coming right now." My fix would have to wait.

Pinching myself to stop the shaking as I went down the stairs, I attempted to crack a joke, "Sorry, Al. I realized once I got up there that I didn't just have to pee."

I rounded the corner to find Alison with my pill bottle in hand, spinning it in her hands and looking at me with disgust, "Yeah. I'm sure that's not all you were trying to do, Em."

She went silent in front of me. I could only assume that she couldn't find the right words for the level of disappointment she had for me at the moment.

"What are you doing with that, Alison?" The accusation came out of my mouth before I could even process it.

She stood up before I had even finished her name, "What the fuck are YOU doing with it, Emily? What even is this shit?" she asked, opening the bottle and letting the last, one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. pills fall to the carpet beneath us.

"It was leftover. From when my dad last got hurt… I found it." My shaking was beginning to become more prominent, I needed her to lay off. No matter what it took.

"Emily." Alison spoke sternly, looking me right in the eye, "I didn't just find this on my own. Hanna called." She tossed her phone behind her, so it landed on the couch, "Try again."

Internally, I was hitting my head. Of course, Hanna had called. She was the only one that knew my symptoms before. I must not have been as convincing as I thought.

"Okay… it was leftover. From tearing – uh – tearing my cuff last year."

"And how long has this been going on?"

I could only look at the ground, "Since the day after the funeral."

Alison groaned in disbelief going to sit on the couch with her hands in her hands, "I cannot believe you. You brought this back into my home. You brought the worst of my life back into it."

My head was pounding. The room was starting to spin as I was losing the control I had just started to gain. I sat in the oversized chair just next to Alison to catch a break.

"You're really just going to fucking sit there. You're not even going to try to defend yourself or your actions." She scoffed, "Okay. Let's sit."

"Al, you're not – uh," I started coughing almost immediately, "You won't like this. But I'm – I'm detoxing a little, but I want to have this con – conversation."

She put her head against the back of the couch exasperated that this was the scenario she was facing, "You've got to be kidding me…"

"Ali. Alison. Babe, for me to focus on what you're saying right now, I need you to let me take a few. Just two. Okay? Then I can focus."

She leaned up from the couch as if I was full of shit. Her mouth agape as if she couldn't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. "If you reach down to the floor right now to take some fucking pills, I will know exactly who you are, Emily."

I sighed, knowing how right Alison was, "Love bu-"

"Do not call me that right now!" she shouted from the couch. Her hands were in fists sitting her lap.

I put my hands up defensively, "Okay, Alison. I get what you're saying, but I cannot focus. I will talk to you, as long as you want, but I have to take these."

I reached down to the carpet, digging through the fibers to find the white pills hidden in its strands. I felt dirty. My veins ran cold just thinking about how far I had fallen. Finding all seven, I put two in one hand while passing her the others.

"Here, see? Just these. Please." My eyes pleaded with her.

She stood up from the couch, "There's no way in hell I'm giving you permission, but I'm going to flush these."

As soon as she walked away, I reached over to Alison's side table to swallow the pills with whatever was in her glass. Whiskey. Classic, I thought, shuddering them down with the small swig.

Alison walked back into the room, putting her hair up in a ponytail, "So now we wait?" she asked.

It was then I understood that a scenario similar to this had to have occurred before. She knew that she couldn't come back in and start talking because the pills took time to kick in. She knew that she had to now be patient because she had done this before. She had done this with her mother, and now, she had to relive this with me.

I put my head into my hands before responding, "Yeah, babe. Now we wait."

* * *

_There is only one real fight in the last 4 and half years that stuck out in my head, and that time around, it was 100% my fault._

_I still remember waiting for Emily to come home from her Skype sesh with Hanna that Sunday. I asked my roommates to leave so that I could talk to Emily without anyone or anything getting in the way. Of course, they winked at me on the way out playing 'Body Party' by Ciara. All the while, I was sitting on the couch physically sick and permanently rolling my eyes._

_Emily showed up about 30 minutes later with her backpack wrapped tightly against her shoulder. We had planned for our Sunday date night to be a study session as we were both swarming in work since Emily's surgery and following physical therapy took up so much of our time. Over Christmas Break, Emily went under the knife for a mini-open repair. I had tried to talk Emily into getting surgery sooner, but she was determined to finish out our first semester of Sophomore year without a hiccup._

_She opened the door smiling, but as she closed the door behind herself, I saw her wince ever so slightly. Though I knew Emily had been on pain medication before the surgery, she had made the impulsive choice to get through after the surgery with local pain injections on a bi-weekly basis, instead. She mentioned that her physical therapist had recommended them because they tended to lead to quicker recoveries._

_I stood up to meet her at the door, "Hello there, my love." I opened, probably too enthusiastically as I unhooked her backpack from her sling to get the extra weight off of her shoulder._

_Holding the backpack to my side, Emily placed her other hand against my cheek, "Mmm," she sighed into my lips as she pulled me in for a kiss, "I needed this tonight."_

_I chuckled apprehensively moving her bag over to the couch, "How was Hanna?"_

_"She was great! We talked mostly about physical therapy, healing time, and everything, so you didn't miss too much. Promise." She finished as she dropped on the couch to cuddle into my side._

_After a few moments of silence, I decided to rip off the Band-Aid, "Emily? You know I love you, right?" I immediately cringed as I reheard what I had just said._

_Emily, of course, turned almost fully around to face me, "Umm, yes? Why do I feel like there is a 'but' coming?"_

_"No, I mean, there's no but. I just have to explain something that happened today, and I need you to go into it with an open mind."_

_"I feel like this is a set-up…" she moved her entire body to the other side of the couch, staring at me to continue._

_"Okay well as you know, my study group came over today…"_

* * *

**_Sunday morning I was anxiously cleaning up my apartment for the day ahead, with both a study group and Emily coming over throughout the day. Studying as a law student, there are rare occasions that you meet people who are not in it for the competition or to get one over on someone else. So when I met Derek and Layne, we became study partners immediately._ **

**_They were focused and disciplined and were more than willing to switch off studying at each other's places. We were able to share notes, trade tips, and become better law students day by day. Opening the door at the knock, I found only Derek on the other side._ **

**_"Oh hey," he answered with his arms open, "I showed up at Layne's, and she was too hung over from last night… something about celebrating her friend's engagement?"_ **

**_At this point, Derek had made his way to the kitchen and was digging through any leftovers from the night before. "Engagement? But we're only sophomores!" I replied, shutting the door behind us._ **

**_"I know, right?" he answered with half of a slice of pizza already in his mouth._ **

**_After catching up on each other's weekends, we both sat at the dining room table to go over notes. In our group, we had each found our specific roles. Layne knew every previous case in the books and schooled us more times than we could count. Derek understood the courtroom like the back of his hand being raised by two lawyers. And I knew the notes extensively. I wrote copious notes during and after class to make them as up-to-date as they could be for our law-specific classes. Tonight we were going over our Business Organizations notes which made me the resident expert._ **

**_With Derek leaning over my notes, while I motioned back and forth to ensure he captured every aspect of the additions I made, he kept slowly getting closer to me. At first, I didn't find this alarming because he was looking on the opposite side of the page from the one he was near. But the moment I heard his chair physically squeak, I knew something was off._ **

**_But I didn't move from my spot. I didn't want to be rude or make something more significant than it was. I hated myself for not moving._ **

**_"So then, what additions did you make for this section?" Derek asked, causing me to look up from where I was previously pointing._ **

**_And then, he made his move. Placing his hand behind my head, he brought me in for a kiss. His lips were soft but harsher than Emily's. They carried force and aggression. My eyes opened without second thought wondering how I got into this situation in the first place and then wondering how I could get out of it._ **

**_My hands moved from the table up in between us; my palms moving directly onto his chest. I attempted to pull away, turning my head to the right._ **

**_"Sta- Stop." I was finally able to get out, pushing away off of his chest, "What THE FUCK is wrong with you, Derek?"_ **

**_I peeled off of him scrambling across my apartment to get away from him, wiping my mouth as I escaped._ **

**_"Alison? What are you talking about? You know you just kissed me back right?"_ **

**_"Uck. That's just instinct, not desire. God, I'm dating someone."_ **

**_He stood up from the chair, appearing shocked, "What are you talking about, Alison? You've made your intentions incredibly clear with me."_ **

**_"No, no I haven't." I stuttered moving for the door, "I need you to go."_ **

**_"Wait, wait, wait." He replied, holding the door open, "Who is he? And how have I never heard you talk about him?"_ **

**_I laughed, "You've never heard me talk about him because he's a she. Emily. I've dated her since high school."_ **

**_"So you're telling me that you're a dyke? Just now. After over a year of knowing you."_ **

**_At this point, I was already attempting to close the door in his face, but with the derogatory slur coming my way, I backed up to get away from his vile words, "If you weren't listening close enough to know that I am bisexual, that shit is on you. But I am in a happy, fulfilling relationship and I don't need you trying to come in and mess it up. Now, please leave."_ **

**_"Bisexual…" he muttered under his breath before shaking it off, "Fine. It's your loss anyway. See you next week?"_ **

**_"Oh, fuck off," I replied, slamming the door shut behind him while locking the door as soon as I could._ **

* * *

_"So wait. He kissed you?" At this point, Emily was standing, trying to still piece together the events of the afternoon I had just unfurled._

_"Yes, but I stopped it as soon as I could."_

_She cackled in reply, "As soon as you could? How long was that, Al?"_

_"Like, 20 seconds max. But that's… that's not important," I stood walking toward her, "I just wanted to be honest about it happening. That's it."_

_"Oh, like how you were honest with someone you saw every week that you were dating a woman, or dating someone at all?" She started walking toward the bathroom to get away._

_"Wait. No, it's not like that all, Emily. I talked about you every, single week. I'm not just going to broadcast our relationship, Em."_

_It was apparent that Emily had slid herself down to the floor on the other side of the bathroom door as she replied, "You'd think after over 3 years that you'd be willing to broadcast our relationship, Al…" She sounded defeated._

_"I am, babe… but not to strangers. I'm being honest. Talk to any of my real friends, and they know that I am devoted to you" I attempted to squeeze my fingers underneath the door to touch Emily's._

_"Okay…" she paused, "But why would you ever be alone in here with anyone that wasn't me? Why did you just let him in, Alison?"_

_"Because I study with him every week and honestly, he has never indicated any interest in me. Or I would have shut it down."_

_All I received was radio silence._

_"I mean Emily, I'm in here alone with women all the time. My roommates. Other study partners. Random girls that Grace brings home. Nothing happens. You are the only person on the planet I am interested in. I promise you; I have no clue where Derek's move came from…"_

_"I do…" Emily replied, indicating back to high school when Emily kissed me purely due to the signs I was giving, even though at the time I had no awareness that I was interested in her._

_I stood back up off of the ground and began knocking, "Babe, I need you to come out here. We have to talk this out face to face. Please, let's be adults about this."_

_I heard the door barely click as Emily came out from the bathroom, "Yeah, I get it. Being-with… I'm sorry for walking away."_

_Emily was referring to the policy of "being-with" each other no matter what. In anger. In pain. In sadness. In times of turbulence when others may believe space is the best option, Emily and I had committed to each other that we would choose to be with each other, no matter how uncomfortable or uneasy it made us._

_Emily sighed continuing, "I appreciate you telling me. But I don't understand how this even happened, Alison. How is it possible that I could have made it through college without an incident, but that you find some random law student to make out with?"_

_"Please hold my hand, Em." I extended my reach leading her back to the couch, "I understand how in the wrong I am. I'm not asking you to sit here and question every move I could have made. I just want you to know the facts. I did not intentionally cheat on you. He kissed me. I pushed him away. I showed him the door. I mean, I sent him out so quickly… I don't know how I can prove it to you; I did everything that I could. I honestly don't know what other steps I could have taken."_

_"I get that. I'm not as mad at you as I am at the entire scenario. I just don't get how it happened, Al…"_

_"Me either. I was just studying, but I noticed him moving closer, and I didn't do anything. I thought I was reading too much into it and that I would be rude if I… ugh, it's so dumb. I'm so sorry, Em." I put my head down, honestly ashamed for the events of the evening._

_"Wait, Ali." Emily reached out for my knee, "I know you did all you could, okay? You don't need to feel guilty. No matter what happened, you didn't deserve that. It's okay."_

_"I promise you I did everything I could, Em." My eyes started welling up with tears, feeling responsible for everything that happened._

_"Come here…" she replied, capturing my head in her hands to bring it to her chest, "I love you so much. I am upset at what happened, but I love you. Thank you for being honest." She kissed my temple as she held my hand._

_I nodded sadly into her chest, "He also harassed me for being bi…"_

_"You're kidding!" she opened her hands against me in shock._

_"No… he called us 'dykes' and then told me that it was 'my loss' that I didn't want to go further."_

_Emily wrapped her arms around me, covering me on both sides, "Ah, so he's a dick?"_

_I laughed, "Apparently so… I promise you that he will never step foot into our home again. I'm so sorry, Em."_

_I tilted my head to face her, giving her a kiss that was hesitantly reciprocated._

_"Our home?" she asked as we parted, smiling slyly._

_"Well, yeah. Where I live is just as much yours as it is mine. I'm going to be with you until forever, love bug."_

_"Okay…" she replied, hesitantly, "I just never really picture this place being mine, you know."_

_"Yeah, I get that. So let's get a place of our own?" I asked confidently, despite knowing that it was risky considering the events of today._

_"Really?" Emily's eyes lit up while looking directly at me, "I would love that."_

_I exhaled, knowing that Emily was forgiving me slowly, despite not actually saying the words, "Then let's figure out how to make it happen, beautiful."_

_I smiled blissfully into our kiss, feeling confident that at this point in our relationship that we could make it through anything._

* * *

As soon as my buzz hit, I looked up at Alison who was staring at me unmoving, "Okay."

It was the only way I knew to start a conversation like this.

"You ready now?" she asked with judgment lacing her tone.

"Yeah… what – ugh – what did Hanna tell you?" my voice cracked as I started realizing the reality of this conversation, "I just want us to be on the same page before I go all the way back."

"Fuck, Em." she continued staring as tears started falling, "All the way back? How did this even happen? I was here. I was here, Emily."

"I know you were… But I wasn't. I couldn't be. I – God – please just tell me what Hanna said." I wanted to reach out to her.

"She told me that today you screamed at her for even questioning you. That you wouldn't eat and kept rubbing your nose. That you aren't going back to school. Em?" she paused letting tears pour down her face, "That she saw this same thing when she came to visit in November before your surgery last year…"

Her hands were now entirely covering her face, and she appeared to be pressing down on her eyes to stop the tears.

I couldn't reach for her. She would recoil to my touch.

I couldn't call out her name. She would cringe at my voice.

I couldn't walk away. She would lose all faith in me.

All I could do is start from the beginning. I had to drop the façade, end the lies, and the fucked up reality I had been living for the past month. I had to tell her everything.

"Ali, the thing is…"

* * *

**A/N: Please do not hate me for this cut off. It seemed organic and considering that this conversation will most likely be several chapters long, I knew that if I kept going this chapter would go on for eternity. Next chapter up on Tuesday!  
**

**You know the drill: Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**See you next time,**

**\- secretpen28**


	9. La Di Da

All I could do is start from the beginning. I had to drop the façade, end the lies, and the fucked up reality I had been living for the past month. I had to tell her everything.

"Ali, the thing is..."

As I opened my mouth to begin, the doorbell rang. Alison stood up, looking over her shoulder before letting Hanna inside.

"Hey Al," Hanna walked in bringing her arms tightly around Alison's shoulders, "Um... this is what I found at her place." Hanna peered over at me as she handed Alison the other bottle of pills I had at my parent's. Her eyes appeared worn, but she glared at me without remorse for telling Alison. Why should she? I was the problem.

"Han, can you make sure that this gets destroyed?" She asked, passing the bottle back before Alison walked into the living room with her arms crossed tightly around her chest, "I invited Hanna here to back up whatever you say and to hold both of us accountable during this conversation."

Hanna waved shyly behind Alison as though she was silently announcing her presence. They both walked around separate ends of the couch to face me. Them obviously on one side of this scenario, me on the other.

"Go ahead," Alison said flatly in my direction while reaching out to Hanna to squeeze her hand.

"Okay. Ali, the thing is that I don't have a good excuse and none of what I say will make it okay. I don't even deserve you sitting here listening to me right now."

"Oh, quit with the sob story Emily," Hanna interjected, "You don't get to act like a raging bitch an hour ago and then, now that you're caught, cower in a damn corner."

"I don't feel okay about this, Hanna! I don't know what to say. I just know that she doesn't have to be sitting here right now and she is!"

"Because I never got the chance last time!" she pointed at me with fury beneath her fist. "She was taken from me before I ever had a chance."

Her anger had been harbored for years and the two women she loved most had been caught in the crossfire. Realizing the venom that she was speaking to me with, she put her face in her hands to continue, "And Emily, I can't lose you too. Not to this. Not with pills. I can't watch you wither before my eyes."

I attempted to interrupt, putting my finger in the air, opening my mouth, and beginning to utter Alison's name.

Instead, Alison continued speaking right through me, "God, I am so dumb! How did I not see this?" she began pacing back and forth, "The sweating. The shaking in the mornings. Sleeping all day long. I am such an idiot! And I ignored all of your shitty behavior because I figured that there was no way you could abuse pills after seeing what I went through when my mom died. Jesus Christ, Emily, you were there with me! You saw my mom hooked up to those fucking machines and yet, you thought this was a good idea?"

"Alison, you need to take a breath." Hanna spoke, attempting to stop Alison from hyperventilating, "Come sit, please." Though Alison listened to Hanna, it was apparent that she had more to say. "Okay, Em. Try again."

"I'm gonna start by going back. Okay, Al?" I gazed in Alison's direction, only to see her shudder at my use of her name, "You remember in the hospital the night I tore my shoulder, and the doctor mentioned OxyContin, and you couldn't even stay in the room?" She nodded. "Well, I told the nurse that I needed something else, and she very confidently told me that she had an alternative and just handed me the prescription. But that's literally how it started. I didn't know what I was taking. I had no idea what it would do to me and my pain, babe. And yes, it's an excuse, but I really didn't see how it was affecting me back then because I was taking it correctly before the surgery. I only took the Vicodin when I was in pain, and yeah, I noticed that it made me feel good. But Ali, I honestly thought that it was just masking my shoulder pain. I didn't get it. But then Hanna came to visit..." I looked over at her to continue.

"Yeah. Al, when I came to visit and stayed with Emily, I noticed her taking the pills. But she was open about it, you know? I mean, not around you. But let's be honest, you get mad when I take 3 Tylenol at one time. But I noticed these emotional highs and lows when she would take it that I don't think Emily could see because she just noticed the pain was gone. Like the shaking every 4ish hours and her pupils would get really dilated. So, before I left, I talked to her about it. I told her that I was concerned and we talked at length about how addictive it was and not wanting her to go down that path."

"So I stopped, Al. I wasn't able to see it myself until Hanna brought it up to me. And after the surgery, I opted for the steroid shots instead. I didn't want anything to jeopardize my mindset or our relationship."

"Yeah, and Emily was really good about talking to me. When we would talk, I would make her FaceTime and raise her hands to the screen to check for shaking and all of that. I know it wasn't right for us to do, but she stopped, Ali..."

"So we didn't tell you." Alison sighed staring at the floor, as I continued, "It wasn't an issue anymore. I didn't want to worry you. Especially with how worried you were about me even being in a hospital, and you not always being able to come to appointments and stuff. I didn't want you to think it was a bigger issue than it was."

Alison whispered still looking at the rug beneath her, "But it was a bigger issue..."

"I mean, in hindsight, sure. But Alison, I sincerely thought I was doing what was best for us at the time by not telling you. I thought it would never happen again."

"So then what the fuck changed, Em? We had come up with a solution literally an hour before you abandoned it?! For someone who never wanted to take pills again, you sure put in a lot of damn foresight to get two separate pill bottles from Chicago to Rosewood and then hidden in MY cabinets?"

"No, I did bring one bottle back initially for my dad years ago. But when I got here, he told me he didn't need them..." I paused, knowing that I was admitting to the first vile thing I did in my mind, "But Ali, I did bring another bottle over here right after you moved back in for the break. I waited until you went to the store and took them out from inside one of my shoes. I knew it was wrong. I knew we had created a plan but Al, I couldn't do it."

"Do what? Grieve? You do realize that you're now over a month behind on the entire process, right? You literally stunted yourself."

"Speak for yourself..." I muttered toward the ground attempting to drown out some of Alison's lecturing behind me.

"What was that?" Alison asked.

It felt like a taunt. As though Alison was placing herself above me in the "World Championships of Grieving." When in reality, that idea was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard.

Maybe it was the impulsivity. Maybe it was the slight high I was starting to feel from the pills. Maybe it was anxiety and fear. But regardless, I lost it.

"It's not like you are the fucking shining example of grieving after someone dies, Alison! How was I supposed to rely on someone who collapsed in a ball and didn't get up for over 2 months afterward? No one in my life had ever passed away before your mother, and so all I learned from her death was directly from you. So unless you wanted the plan to be for me to give up and let everyone else pick up the fucking pieces, then what was I possibly going to gain from solely relying on you? I couldn't let you go through the whole process again. I couldn't watch the woman I love fall apart again. I love you so much and getting you that involved seemed like too much for you to be able to take on. I hope you can understand that."

* * *

_I still remember the exact moment I knew Alison was in love with me. The first time around, I had been in love with Alison longer than we had actually dated. So when she accidentally let it slip that she was in love too casually one afternoon, it sent a peace through me I held on to for as long as I could. This time around, I had desired to get back with Alison because I could only look at her with love. She knew that I was in love with her from the start, but it took until almost Christmas for me to know the same was true for her._

_The most significant difference I found in Alison since her mother's passing was the guardedness with which she now walked through life. Even standing next to me, her thoughts could easily be years behind reminiscing on the times before her mother focused on her next fix. She frequently needed to be reminded that she was in the present which I found to be easiest through touch. A simple touch on her back or the linking of one of my fingers through hers could cause her to jump, sending a jolt that brought her back to reality._

_"Oh... Sorry, Em." She replied during one such occasion as we were shopping right after getting out of the school for Christmas Break._

_"You're okay," I reassured, squeezing her hand tightly in mine. After a lull in the conversation, I asked, "What were you thinking about today, sweetheart?"_

_"I saw those books in the window back there." She gestured with her entire body to point behind us, "And there was a book called 'The Sea King's Daughter' which I remember having my mom read to me over and over again when I was little."_

_"I bet it's comforting to hear her voice sometimes." At this point as we were window shopping, Alison had crossed her left arm in front of herself to hold on to my upper arm, not only placing ourselves closer to one another but allowing her to rest her head against me as we walked._

_She quickly let go running to a dress seen in the windowfront ahead. It was emerald green in color with flowy waves cut into the bottom. The lack of sleeves combined perfectly with the plunge of neckline showing off a decent amount of cleavage, even on a mannequin._

_She turned back to me with her eyes aglow, her hand extending out to pull me toward the store, "I think this dress was made for you, Emily."_

_"For me? Yeah, right. I have nowhere that I could wear that."_

_Devilishly, she turned toward me to whisper, "It'd look pretty great on my bedroom floor though..."_

_I pulled away from her sheepishly, still uncomfortable with how forward she had become during our time apart the last year and a half, "Ali..." I started walking away from her as she chased behind me, the clink of her heels being her key identifier._

_"Oh come on, babe.... You know I'm right." She joked as she caught back up to me, linking our arms together once again._

_I smirked at her out of the corner of my mouth, "I do look pretty good in green."_

_"Don't I know it, babe. But I was just playing around, I'm sorry."_

_As she began her apology, she slowed us to a stop to sit down on a bench just outside of the food court._

_"There's no reason to apologize." I replied, tucking one of her curl behind her ear before wrapping my arm around her shoulder, "I was just thrown off that you changed the topic so fast."_

_"What do you mean?" she asked as though the moments that just happened had already slipped her mind._

_I sighed before explaining, "Alison, you keep doing this thing." She turned toward me, tilting her head to the side, questioning, "You'll willingly talk about your mom or memories of her which – which is great. But then, anytime I provide a response or try to empathize or get you to just open up about how you feel. You shut me down."_

_"So sharing memories isn't good enough for you anymore?" she questioned, looking down to the marble floor beneath us._

_"Al, it's not about whether or not it's good enough; it's about me being worried for you. If you connect to memories, but don't feel anything during them, and don't let anyone else know how you're feeling, then all you are doing is shoving everything deeper and deeper down."_

_She nodded slowly, reflecting back on our recent conversation, "Okay... so what did you say before I shut down this time?"_

_It was strange to think that even during a moment of connection between us that Alison wasn't truly listening to what I had said. I struggled to put together how arm in arm, with her head against me that she was actually further away._

_I shook my head, knowing that without understanding her grief, I could never understand her actions and reactions, "I told you, 'I bet it's comforting to hear her voice sometimes.'... Your mom's, you know."_

_She tucked her feet underneath herself as she sat, turning her body to face mine with her head in her hands, "It is. When I can hear her voice, if I think really hard and close my eyes, I can even sometimes hear her laughing." Her head was perched on her palms, eyes closed, a small smile dancing across her lips, "And when I can hear her laugh, I can see her smile." Her eyes opened to meet mine as she continued, "I love when I get that far in the memory because she hadn't smiled, not really smiled, for so long before she died. It makes me happy to know that she finally can again and that now, since being with you, I can finally smile again too."_

_She leaned toward me for a kiss. It was a short but passionate kiss. One of those kisses that keeps your lips puckered, hoping that they will go in for one more. A kiss that signifies something more profound than just a physical connection. Because of that kiss, as we pulled away, I saw it._

_"Thank you, Em." It was 3 words that at any other time I would've taken literally, but when she opened her eyes and saw me, her eyes did something different. She blinked rapidly and moved her head subtly backward as if looking at me for the first time. As she turned away so we could stand and continue shopping, her smile lingered._

_For the remainder of our trip, I caught her looking at me from across stores and even just walking side by side. The times I did physically catch her eyes, she would blush and turn away as though she was subject to a school-girl crush. For me, those brief moments were the highlight of our relationship up until that point. Though I had told her matter-of-factly that I loved her, I hadn't taken the time to tell her with feeling, and because she officially said it first last time, I knew I needed to beat her to the punch._

_Later that night, lying beside her while discussing plans for our first sleepover of the break with the girls, I knew it was time. In my mind, it was times like these that Alison was the most stunning. No makeup. Loose curls falling around her perfectly rounded face. An oversized tee-shirt covering most of her. She was effortless in these moments._

_Her hand had found mine under the covers moments beforehand. Both of us enjoying the bliss that came with being beside someone who, on most days, knew you better than yourself. I trailed my finger up her arm as I turned to my side to face her._

_"Hey," I called softly to her. She spun her head slowly to face mine, a smile reaching her lips yet another time. As her smile grew wider, I placed my hand on her cheek leaning over to kiss her. I made it chaste and sincere, and as I pulled away simply said, "I love you."_

_Her response could only be described as a squeal as she jumped up from her lying down position bouncing over toward me, "How did you know?" She asked sitting back on her calves above me._

_I propped my head up on my left hand, "Well, that's not a typical response when someone says 'I love you'..." I muttered, smiling up at her._

_She placed her hands on my face, "I asked you a question, babe," she leaned down to kiss me, "How did you know?"_

_I sighed contentedly, "You looked at me like you had never seen me before. I mean, like you were seeing me again for the first time."_

_"Well, you should look at yourself more often then, Emily." She bent down over me once more, pausing just centimeters from my lips, "You're stunning."_

_She leaned in before being stopped by my hand between the two of us, "And?" I tilted my head waiting for her to finish._

_She sat up, pretending to look confused, "And you're remarkable? The most caring woman in the world? Gorgeous? Breathtaking? How about compassio-?"_

_"Alison..." I nudged._

_"What? It's true! It's for those reasons as well as so many more that I love you more today than I ever have, Emily."_

_I smiled from ear to ear, "Say it again."_

_Placing her hands on my ribcage, she repeated, "I love you." She brought her hands up my sides until one of her hands was on my cheek, the other draped next to my shoulder, her face mere inches from mine again, "I love you so much."_

_I exhaled into her touch, knowing that from here on out, I was spending forever with a woman whose love I could feel with just one look._

* * *

But looking at the woman in front of me, love is not what I felt in Alison's eyes. She sat on the same spot on the couch, staring forward at me with tears streaming from her eyes. She frequently closed them and squeezed her upper and lower lids together. It was the same eye movement that I had seen at her last birthday party while making a wish. Though this time around, it was a wish to make all of this disappear. It was a wish to make me just stop yelling.

"...And I couldn't have you go through the process of losing someone again, Ali! In my mind, you would collapse AGAIN. And I would have to be the bigger person AGAIN. So, I found a terrible alternative and..."

"Before you continue, Em..." she paused, standing up to meet me. Her voice was calm but focused and poised, "Please tell me in what world were you the only person who lost someone in this scenario?"

I stood perplexed and confused, "I lost my dad, Alison! Your girlfriend. Lost. Her father. What in the hell are you even talking about? I can't believe you're even trying to make this about you right now!"

Alison closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Emily, I'm not trying to minimize your experience. But my father and I haven't spoken in almost 3 years. Your father had become somewhat of a role model of what I had hoped my relationship with my father could someday be. I spent the last 4 years talking to your dad for hours after your mother and you went to sleep when he was in town. In some ways, he was the only parent I had left... I lost him, too."

"See, guys? Both of you have lost parents, why can't that be the coping mechanism we try from here on out and not addictive painkillers?" Hanna attempted to interject to douse the tension of Alison and I standing in the middle of her living room less than a foot from each other.

But Hanna's attempt at defusing the situation ended up sending all it over the edge.

"Because it's entirely different! How can you compare losing parents, Han? My father was killed in the line of duty and her mo..." I stopped mid-sentence catching what was about to leave my lips. But I had made it too far, Alison already knew the ending.

Alison laughed out loud, "Her mom did what, Emily? Please finish your thought because this is rich." My eyes couldn't even meet hers. "Oh okay, now you feel guilty. I get it. Let me finish it for you, babe. Her mom chose to swallow 18 pills to not face the reality of her divorce! Her mom waited until she spent the most normal day she had with her children in years before offing herself. Her mom wasn't her mom for a full year before she died! It doesn't count. Right? That's where you were going with that? That your loss means more because my mother chose to die!"

"No... that's not exactly how far I was going to go, Al. I was just trying to say that my loss was unexpected."

"Nope! Han, I can't do this." Alison turned exasperated toward Hanna, "She's obviously not in the right place to have this conversation. This isn't her! I don't even know who this is. But, I can't do this anymore. She can't even have a conversation without insulting me. This isn't going to work right now."

"Al-" Hanna interrupted.

"And another thing, Emily, you need to go get sober. I will not have the conversation with you again until you have because this... this person in front of me is not who you truly are. I love you, Em. But not like this."

"Wait, Ali –

"No, I need you to leave. Come back when you find my girlfriend."

With that, Alison marched up the stairs. She didn't turn around. She didn't repeat herself, and she certainly did not wait to see what I would do with her request.

"Come on, Em. We gotta go." Hanna stood, holding me by my forearm.

"What are you doing?"" I questioned, as she continued to lead me to the door.

"Well someone has to make sure you actually detox, and your mom sure as hell wouldn't be cool with that going on in her house. So, you're stuck with me."

Walking out of her house, I realized that it had been 4 and a half years, and Alison and I had never left a conversation angry. It was the first time I had ever insulted her enough to make her cry, or lost who I was around her. But locking her front door behind us, I slowly began to see that I forgot who I was around her when I took that first pill over a month ago...

* * *

**A/N: Anyways, thanks so much everyone for your continued support. Next chapter on Friday! :)  
**

**I, also, did just start (Dec. 2020) a Patreon with original, exclusive content and stories. There is not a ton of content yet, but more will be added as time goes along. To find it, just go to Patreon and search using my username on here (secretpen28). Any and all profits from the channel will go to medical bills I have accrued over the past year following my diagnosis with an autoimmune disorder. Thank you for any and all support. I appreciate you all so much!  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	10. Turn Your Face

**_Well, I'm not quite sure how to start these letters anymore as I haven't written one to you in months. How do you even make a letter sound genuine when you're writing to someone that you know will never read it? I don't even know why I thought this was a good idea. I guess I figured that you'd have no choice but to listen and maybe give me some advice through the spaces between my words._ **

**_I think the hesitancy comes from writing to someone who has already passed away. I know you'll never get this. I know you'll never read this, but I know that you will care about this letter more than anyone else in my life will. That's the sad part. That's the hesitancy. How do you reconcile with the fact that the only person you want to speak to in a time like this has gone before you needed them most?_ **

**_Maybe that's the hesitancy. Not being able to tell you how much you meant to me before you were gone. I'm sure you knew. But, I never told you. I never got to say 'I love you' or even a deep, sincere 'Thank you.' But I know you saw it. You'd had to have seen it._ **

**_So, then I guess this letter makes sense. You know I sought your guidance. You know I yearned for your expertise. You know I desired your approval. But more than that, you know I love your daughter. You know that Emily was woven through every fiber of our conversations. Yeah, this makes sense; asking for your help again makes all the sense in the world._ **

**_I'm sure you saw it. Our fight. I guess you've seen all of it. I guess you've been a part of all of it. Hanna calling me out of desperation. Me doubting all of the strange events of the past month. Emily choosing to start up again, I guess. Her finding the bottle in the cabinet. The dropping of your cologne. Her motivation to clear the counter in the first place._ **

**_If that's true, then I have to believe you're also part of the solution. That you have already foreseen every potentiality of our relationship from here on out. That you've found a way to etch the other back into ourselves. That you're guiding her back to me when the time is right. That you motivated me to start this letter in the first place._ **

**_I know that so many times during our conversations, I had the desire to be right. I think that happened today. I went into a blind fury from being dragged by the balls of my feet back to a past that I had long ago swept behind me. I let my past cloud my present. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry, Mr. Fields._ **

**_No. Calling you 'Mr. Fields' doesn't feel right._ **

**_You were always so formal, and for the longest time, you only called me Alison despite the flurry of nicknames Emily spoke around you. But I did catch you during that last conversation hesitate over the rest of my name. For a brief second, I was Ali. I was as equal in your eyes to your daughter. To Emmy._ **

**_She was the only person that when you described her, you would tear up. I could watch you describe her all day because you treated her with grace and compassion. You took her faults and painted a canvas of her that dripped with love. I wonder how you spoke to Emily and your wife about me. Did you treat me as delicately as your own daughter? Were your words laced with kindness and care?_ **

**_Was my canvas as bright as hers?_ **

**_So no, Mr. Fields doesn't feel right. Wayne is wrong, too. I would never call you that. It's too forward. Too… military._ **

**_I would have loved to call you Dad. It was my dream to someday be your daughter-in-law. But in the midst of this argument, I think it's too cruel to Emily. She's the one who lost a dad._ **

**_I just lost you._ **

**_I lost the mold of the man I had wished for from the time I was old enough to realize that my own father would never cut it. I lost the role model I intended to mimic to raise our children. I lost the hope of Emily and I having one man to walk us down the aisle. In you, I lost so much of what I imagined of our future._ **

**_It's in that thought that I understand Emily today maybe more than I ever have._ **

* * *

_The summer before college was when my friendship with Mr. Fields was truly solidified. He had asked for leave that entire summer so that he could spend extended time with Emily before she was only able to be home a few times a year. This had allowed me to be able to come over more often and give Mr. Fields comfort that I would take his place. That I would take care of Emily with as much intention as he had her first 18 years._

_After a year of Emily picking up on the conversations her dad and I had when he was in town, she conveniently excused herself after her mother decided to go to bed._

_"Well, I guess that's my cue," Emily smiled sincerely, walking around to face me. She placed both of my hands in hers, squeezing them tightly as she placed a delicate kiss upon my lips. "I love you. See you in the morning."_

_Despite being allowed by Mr. Fields to sleep in Emily's room that first weekend I stayed over, I had made the decision that it shouldn't happen again out of consideration for her family. I knew that Mr. Fields had sensed my vulnerability and allowed it, but I also knew that he would feel more reassured if it never happened again._

_As always, we sat in silence for a few minutes before one of us came up with a thought or question to start us off. That night, Mr. Fields started the conversation._

_"It's been interesting to see how your relationship has evolved over the past year." He made the statement as though he had more to say, but his sentence had no follow-up._

_"What do you mean exactly?"_

_He turned his head to face me, "Oh, so then you don't see it. Interesting…"_

_I sat once again in silence waiting for him to continue. Something I had learned from our conversations was that patience was deeply appreciated by Mr. Fields. He was typically a man of few words, so I knew that allowing him to gather his thoughts was more important than prying further._

_After some time, he continued, "You can see it in the way she holds your hands, Alison. She trusts you more than she did a year ago, and back then, she already trusted you with her heart."_

_My memory snapped back to minutes earlier when Emily tangled my hands with hers. She scooped up my hands together, cupping them as if holding a firefly between their palms. Her thumbs crossed across the front to lock our hands together. She was protective of me even in the smallest of moments._

_"Yeah. I guess I don't focus on those things when I'm in the moment. Around Emily, my emotions tend to be in the forefront. Sorry…"_

_He chuckled, "There's no need to apologize. I remember when I started dating Pam. I think we're all human. Just make sure to appreciate what you have, you never know when it might be gone."_

_"That's definitely the truth." I went back to silence, hoping that my mutter would go unnoticed. But with Mr. Fields, nothing was ever that easy._

_"I guess you do have more experience with that than most, Alison. It wasn't my intent to –"_

_"No, it's fine… I was pretty sure that at some point my parents would come up in our conversation. When I think about my parents, it always feels strained. You know, with both of them, I never really got a chance to say goodbye."_

_"Emmy told me that your dad decided not to come to graduation. I wanted to reach out to him and see if I could sway his choice, but Emmy figured it would cause more harm than good based on the contents of his note to that."_

_"I appreciate that, but she was right. In a perfect world, I would never speak to my dad again."_

_"Don't say that, Alison. I'm sure that he struggles every day to figure out how to reconcile all that he's missed out on."_

_"That's a nice thought, but I can't forgive him for what he's done."_

_"Maybe he doesn't need your forgiveness... maybe he just needs your understanding. I'm sure that under the circumstances, he did all that he could before he chose to leave. Even if you and your brother were the ones that got hurt in the end."_

_"I guess the hardest part for me has been reconstructing what I thought my life would be at such a young age."_

_"The same thing happened with me when I joined the military. It wasn't my first job choice."_

_"It wasn't?"_

_"No, I had always wanted to become a doctor or physician or surgeon of some sort. But I came from a fairly poor family who lived paycheck to paycheck. I was the first of their children to want to pursue college, but they hadn't saved anything for me. So, it came down to me taking out 8 years of loans, or joining the military so that they could pay for my education in the future."_

_"Then what happened?"_

_"Well, I adapted to it really well. I appreciated the structure and consistency it gave me, and by the time I had finished my original 10-year enlistment, Emily was on the way. I couldn't sacrifice 8 years of school without a paycheck. So, I gave it up. I know our circumstances are different, but everyone reaches a point in their life where they have to find who they are again."_

_"Do you think that my dad is going through that now?"_

_"It could be, Alison." He took a long pause, "When you struggled so much after your mom's passing, and everything happened that led to you and Emily breaking up, what do you wish you could have told her to maybe keep you guys together back then?"_

_"… to not give up on me yet."_

_"So maybe extend the same thought to your dad. If it has worked out so well for you and Emily, it could work out with him too."_

_"I'm not going to hold my breath. But I'll keep it in mind."_

_We returned to our all-familiar silence. There was a comfort in our quiet, an understanding that nothing needed to be said unless it was of actual importance._

_"Am I allowed to thank you, Mr. Fields?"_

_"Thank me? For what, Alison?"_

_"For giving me guidance. I really haven't had someone to talk to like this in years. I think that every time we speak a little bit of my heart feels less broken by the adults in my life."_

_"Then we should talk more often, shouldn't we?" He nodded as if reassured by his solution._

_"We already talk every time you're here…"_

_"Well, start putting a letter in with Emily's once a month when you are in Chicago. I can't always reply, but I promise I will always listen."_

_"Okay. I will…"_

_"Maybe by the time I come home for good, your broken heart will have made a full recovery."_

* * *

**_But when you came home for good, Mr. Fields, my heart was shattered. I know you couldn't have predicted your words being such a biting reminder of your memory. Your conversations and those letters will always stand out to me. They will always remind me that even if my dad never comes around, you did._ **

**_I know I got off track. I tended to do that even in all the other musings I sent you. I guess it's because I don't want to talk to you about your own daughter in this way. I don't want to project my fears and anger into these lines because it makes it even more of a reality._ **

**_I'm losing her. I should start there. In the way my heart was shattered when you died, her heart was demolished. Reduced to rubble. The fragments of her heart that had been carved out specifically for me were mixed with everything else in her world. And I got lost somewhere in the destruction._ **

**_I get that I didn't do much better. Alienation and isolation are never good practices. But this? I can't even begin to grasp the reasoning. I mean, I can. I lived with an addict for over a year without knowing. I get the control. I get the power._ **

**_And trust me, I get wanting your brain to just stop._ **

**_I know that every time my mom came out rehab, we got who she was back. But a piece of her was never the same. A part of her had been lost to the drugs. And I don't know what part of Emily got lost in there. What part of her did I lose now too?_ **

**_Her compassion? Her bravery? Her ambition? Her empathy?_ **

**_I may never have get the same woman back, but I made a promise to you. I promised you that I would take care of her the same way that you would. I intend to keep that promise._ **

**_I still plan on becoming your daughter-in-law. I still plan on walking down that aisle, even though I now have to reconcile you not being there._ **

**_At some point, Emily will be ready to talk, and I will have to be ready too._ **

**_Thanks for listening. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for always being there._ **

**_I love you,_ **

**_Ali_ **

* * *

He was right. He was right sitting on that front porch 3 years ago. He was right even now, as I lay on my bed curled around my journal.

_'Maybe she doesn't need your forgiveness… maybe she just needs your understanding.'_

_'What do you wish you could have told her to maybe keep you guys together back then?'_

_'… to not give up on me yet.'_

_'Extend the same thought to her.'_

If it could have kept us together then, maybe it could keep us together now…

* * *

 **A/N: I hope that all of those text changes made sense at the end here. It moves from _letter_ to** present **to** _past_ **and then back to** present.

**I loved writing this chapter because of how dedicated Alison was and is to making Emily's father proud. It's been a difficult duality to present because of how angry and upset she is at Emily, but also knowing what Mr. Fields would want from her. I hope that this chapter helped you guys sort that in your own minds too.**

**Next chapter, we have Emily's perspective after their fight. It should give a lot more context and set up nicely for the conversation Emily and Alison will have in a few chapters. Next chapter on Tuesday!**

**Thanks for everything and as always: Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	11. Die From A Broken Heart

Over the past 8 days, sweat had become my second companion. It soaked through clothing, sheets, and dignity. The chills that traced up and down my extremities were only matched with the cold porcelain I vomited into for what felt like days straight. My exhaustion was paired closely with my insomnia. The only way I could pass the time was sitting straight against Hanna's bedroom wall. Eyes wide open, tingling surging through my veins. The restlessness did continue to provide a light buzz for the first 50 hours, but soon the cramps and fever set in. The buzzing of Hanna's overhead light grew to fill the gaps in my mind when I closed my eyes. Through the first 5 days or so, I was unable to see the end.

I called out. I shouted. I begged.

But days 7 and 8 gleaned clarity. Nausea and fever faded, as did the tingling and insomnia. The sweating stayed though with every ounce of sin and regret pouring through.

It was then that I could remember glimpses of the conversation that led me to this moment.

* * *

_'You won't like this. But I'm – I'm detoxing a little, but I want to have this con – conversation.'_

_'You've got to be kidding me…'_

_'Ali. Alison. Babe, for me to focus on what you're saying right now, I need you to let me take a few. Just two. Okay? Then I can focus.'_

_'If you reach down to the floor right now to take some fucking pills, I will know exactly who you are, Emily.'_

* * *

_'It's not like you are the fucking shining example of grieving after someone dies, Alison! …unless you wanted the plan to be for me to give up and let everyone else pick up the fucking pieces, then what was I possibly going to gain from solely relying on you?'_

* * *

_'How can you compare losing parents, Han? My father was killed in the line of duty and her mo…'_

_'Her mom did what, Emily? Please finish your thought because this is rich… you think your loss means more because my mother chose to die!"_

* * *

_'I will not have the conversation with you again until you have because this… this person in front of me is not who you truly are. I love you, Em. But not like this…I need you to leave. Come back when you find my girlfriend.'_

* * *

Regret and shame were the emotions I related to most. Regret for my words. Shame for my actions. That I couldn't distinguish between scenarios and time frames in our lives to understand the pain that strings loss together.

How bad is it that I hadn't considered Alison's loss of my father?

In my mind, I lost someone. I was the one who was affected by all of this. Alison was a bystander helping me process through the emotions. In hindsight though, Alison lost someone too. In fact, not only did she lose the greatest father in the world, but she lost me also. She experienced twice the loss through my own selfishness.

But what was the alternative? Tracing back through every scenario, I struggled to find a track that did not lead to me taking that first pill. It's what I had been taught. It is what I had practiced. It is what I had internalized as my own way to grieve.

* * *

_The day after my father passed away was The University of Chicago Athletics Honors. With the end of finals came the university's official goodbye to seniors across all D III sports. As a Junior, it was my first formal invitation to attend and prepare for the excitement I would feel a year later._

_But waking up that morning felt more like a cause for mourning than one for celebrating. The simple act of rolling over in the bed already felt like bricks had been stacked upon my chest as I gasped for air._

_"Hey there, babe." I heard Alison whisper, her hand immediately reaching over to ground me._

_I shook my head, clenching my eyes together willing the tears to not fall._

_"I'm right here, Em. Can I hold you? Would that be okay?"_

_I nodded as my body involuntarily began curling into a ball._

_Alison tucked her forearm underneath my head while I shuffled my face toward her chest. Her left leg swung over my hips to tuck me closer into her, my legs tangling around hers. Her right hand cupped my head in her palm while her left hand tucked strands of my hair behind my ear over and over again._

_My chest heaved. My body shook. My sobs remained._

_Alison lay silent wrapped around me. She used her thumb to wipe away tears. Her lips remained plastered against my temple softly kissing it as she allowed her hand to trace designs into my shoulder._

_Sometime later, I calmed down enough to speak for the first time that morning._

_"Do I have to go?"_

_"You don't have to do anything today, love bug. It would be good to go and see your friends before they graduate on Saturday, but we can do whatever you want." Alison slid her hand to comfortably rest on my hip._

_"I just don't think that I can do it. My mind feels like it's trapped in mud… does that make any sense?"_

_"Yeah, it'll feel like that for a while. You're just trying to process everything, babe." Her hand moved from my waist down to the crook of my knee, scratching the back of my leg causing me to shudder, "I'm gonna go make us some breakfast. Do you want pancakes or French toast?"_

_"French toast, please," I whispered curling into Alison's chest to place a kiss below her collarbone._

_"You got it." She replied, kissing my forehead lightly as she peeled herself from me._

_From her bedroom, I could hear Alison softly singing in the kitchen as she cooked. Though I had found nothing to smile about over the past 18 hours, Alison was always able to muster a grin from me for the smallest of reasons. This was one of those reasons. I could picture her in her oversized t-shirt reaching for the bread and maple syrup on her tiptoes. I could see her hips swaying side to side as she teasingly danced to the fridge to grab the eggs. And for that, for her innocence, I couldn't help but smile._

_My phone began buzzing next to me while my head was still swarming with thoughts of Alison. I sighed, reaching behind me to grab it, noticing that it was my mom._

_I took a deep breath before clicking 'Accept,' "Hey there, mom."_

_"Hey Emmy," she sounded out of breath, assumedly due to crying all morning as well, "I wanted to check in with you today… see how your morning is going."_

_"I'm not gonna lie, Mom, it's pretty rough." I coughed to cover the cracking in my voice, "But Al is making me breakfast, so maybe things are turning up."_

_"It's good you have her there, sweetie. Your grandma and aunts are coming in today to take care of everything, so don't worry about me."_

_The phone filled with silence._

_"You know, Emmy, I've said it before, but I really am sorry for how I ever treated your relationship. You're fortunate to have someone like Alison by your side. If she loves you even half as much as your Dad loves… loved m-" she stopped, breaking down into tears on the other line, "Sorry. If she loves you half as much as your Dad loved me, you will forever be happy."_

_I quickly wiped the tear falling down my cheek, "Yeah, I think we model our relationship a lot off of yours. We were both lucky to find them, Mommy…"_

_Silence again._

_"So Emmy, do you have any plans today?"_

_"Mm, I don't think so. Ali and I were supposed to go to this Honors banquet for the Athletics department, but I don't think I have it in me."_

_"Is it important, sweetie? You know, for the team?"_

_"It's kind of like our end of year event before the athletes' graduate, but you have to get dressed up and everything and – " At this point, I was laying on my back, my hand already covering my eyes at the thought of attending._

_"You need to go."_

_"What?" I questioned, sitting up in the bed to make sure I heard her correctly._

_"Tonight. You need to go. Your dad wouldn't want your life to stop on a count of him. He would want to see you continuing to live and living well. Go with Alison and hold your head high knowing how proud your father is of you. Okay?"_

_"Yeah… okay. I, uh, will talk to Ali and see what we can do."_

_"Good. That's good. I have to go and get the house ready for everyone, but thank you for talking with me, Emmy. We're going to get through this."_

_"I know we will. Thank you. Love you and see you soon, okay?"_

_"Love you."_

_I rolled myself off the bed, planting my feet beneath me to follow the smell of breakfast into the kitchen._

_"Who were you talking to, babe?" she walked toward me, wrapping her arms around my waist._

_"It was my mom. She thinks we should go to the Honors thing tonight. Says my dad would want me to keep living."_

_"Okay…" she placed her forehead against mine, briefly kissing me before continuing, "Only if you want to though," I nodded, "Okay, then let's eat and work ourselves up to going tonight."_

_My hands made their way up Alison's shirt to place my palms directly on her stomach, massaging her skin with my thumbs. She sighed against me as her lips made their way to mine. I maneuvered my lips up her jawline to her earlobe, nibbling lightly as she moaned. Alison's hands found their usual baseline position: one cupping just under my breasts while the other rested gently on my ass._

_I leaned away from her, but her hands stayed in place, "How is that for working ourselves up?"_

_Breathing heavily, she met my eyes before shaking her head and chuckling as she turned away, "It's not half bad, Em. But I know you're only doing that because you're in pain." She grabbed a full plate as she turned back around, "Here, let's just eat breakfast."_

_I groaned, "Is it really that terrible if I want you to take my pain away?" I pouted as I sat at the small table by the front door of her dorm room._

_Sitting down across from me, she grabbed my hand, "Trust me, I get it." She placed her lips against the back of my hand, "I would love nothing more, sweetheart. But it would put your priorities in the wrong order. We gotta get you well, first."_

_As the day progressed, Alison and I slowly got ready for the banquet. I watched her effortlessly curl her hair, smile over her shoulder at me as she coyly took off her bra to squeeze into her dress, and without question, drove to my place to grab the dress I had selected while I remained curled in her bed._

_When she returned with my dress in tow, I turned to face her smiling, "Thank you, love bug. I haven't told you today, but I love you. A lot."_

_She hopped onto the bed on all fours, crawling her way to settle above me, "Oh, that's good because I love you too."_

_I wrapped my arms around her to bring her face to settle on my chest, "You know, on the phone call earlier, my mom told me that I was lucky to have you."_

_She placed her palm flat on my chest, "Wait. THE Pam Fields?"_

_I laughed squeezing her closer, "Yeah, THE Pam Fields. It's like she likes you or something."_

_"Well, that's good to know. I've been working years to perfect that image. Now, how about we get you ready for tonight, Em? I've been thinking all night about being able to show off my breathtakingly beautiful girlfriend."_

* * *

I looked back on attending that event with regret now. It was one of my worst things that I did for myself during the early stages of my dad passing. That night was my first lesson in how you deal with grief…

You put on a mask and smile. You get dressed up and ignore the aching in your chest. You cover your mascara-stained cheeks with enough concealer that even your deepest suffering is disguised by beauty.

You go take pictures. You let your girlfriend lead you through the night. You laugh because everyone else around you is. You shake hands and participate in menial conversation for the sake of what someone else would have wanted you to do.

But no, you don't grieve.

You don't take the time to wallow in the water building in your chest. You don't wade in the emotions that slowly begin to rise. You don't give yourself the right to test your ability to swim. You don't allow yourself to process your loss, so you sink.

You sink back into yourself because the mask is more comfortable than reality.

And when I rose again, gasping for air, I was draped on a blow-up air mattress 2 feet from Hanna's bed. I had sweat trailing off my body another countless time.

Hanna was asleep on her side facing me. As I began panting to fill my lungs with air, Hanna's eyes shot open, "What the fu-?!"

"It's just me. Another weird sleep thing… sorry, Han."

She sat up running her hands through her hair, "Jesus Christ, Em. I thought you were getting over this shit."

"I am. I am. Ugh – it just takes time, and every time I sleep, my brain just starts swirling with everything I was pushing away. I'm sorry…"

Hanna turned off of her bed, leaving her legs to hang off the bed as she spoke to me, "You know you don't have to apologize, but I can't keep being woken up like this. Every time Caleb sees me, he asks if I even slept the night before. This shit is traumatic."

"I get it." I mumbled, standing up and grabbing my pillow, "I'll go sleep in the living room." I ambled toward the door and turned around as I reached the threshold, "I promise. I'm going to go talk to Ali soon. I'm just trying to get my thoughts together, now that I'm thinking straight and all."

"Good. Better her than me…" Hanna muttered as she turned back over to lay down.

I rolled my eyes at Hanna's comment knowing that her insensitivity came from her being woken up and not from her true emotions. After 8 days of taking care of me during my withdrawals, I understood her frustration. We had been friends for years, but she hadn't signed up for this. She didn't know that shaking my hand in 7th grade would lead to her holding my shaking body as I ran a fever in the midst of detoxing. 'Thank you' would never be enough.

I pulled the blanket laying on top of the couch over my body to attempt to sleep once again. Just as she had done the day of the banquet, I curled my legs into myself crossing my legs over each other to copy Alison's leg movements. I wrapped my left arm in a V-shape across my chest while tucking my hair behind my ears over and over again with my right hand in attempts to calm myself down enough to sleep. If Alison couldn't be here with me, I could at least mimic her actions when she slept next to me. With my eyes closed, I could still imagine her beside me.

If I could just fall asleep, I wouldn't have to imagine what the past 8 days had been like without her.

* * *

**A/N: And there you have it! Two perspectives and two forms of grief. My favorite part of writing this so far is looking at the different ways grief takes shape. We're on the home stretch, but still have quite a few more stories to tell before wrapping this one up. Next chapter Friday! :)  
**

**As always, thank you for the support and kind words. This community makes it all worth it.**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	12. Backsliding

**A/N: Hey guys! Before starting this chapter, I figure that I should explain what "Backsliding" means. I found out this week while talking to someone about this chapter that it must be a Southern phrase. It basically means falling back into old habits or relationship, so someone who keeps going back to an ex is a backslider. But so would someone who was previously addicted to alcohol or something, gets sober, and then starts drinking again. Enjoy!**

* * *

_Monday mornings had quickly evolved into becoming my favorite part of the week. After officially deeming Sunday as our date night, it was easy for both of us to select classes that did not meet on Monday mornings. There was nothing like waking up in a bed next to a woman you loved and knowing the extended hours there were until either of you had to be up and ready for class. It was easy to get distracted._

_I always woke up first. My eyes struggled to adjust to the light streaming through the open curtains in Emily's room as she claimed to only want to wake up with natural light. I scoffed at that idea as I rolled over toward her; she was curled up facing the other wall trying to escape the natural light she "loved." I didn't mind her lighting choice though as my eyes reached the woman lying before me._

_Her bare back glowed underneath the rays highlighting her shoulder blades. The bronzed skin in front of me screamed for my touch. Before I could second guess my thoughts, my fingers danced on top of her skin, tracing every bone, divot, and nuance of her body._

_Tiny moments have a palpable sense of eternity. Moments so pure in thought and touch that your brain can't help but think endlessly about spending forever etching her skin with your touch. Moments when she kisses your temple walking from one side of the room to the other as her hands lace around you loosely from behind and all you can think is, 'Fuck. I love this woman.' Moments that you wished would last for eternity because pure happiness drips from their intentions._

_Getting lost in my thoughts caused hesitation beneath my touch leading Emily to sigh slightly as she adjusted herself under the sheets. Tempted by her movement, I traipsed my body closer to her side of the bed. My right hand slid from her lower back over her side to then hover over her hip bone, as my lips began working tenderly on the back of her neck._

_"Al…" she whimpered while my left hand made its way to cup her head beneath my hand moving the tendrils of hair that had fallen out of her messy bun as she slept._

_My lips hummed into the back of her neck. My thumb circled her hip bone. My eyes remained closed as I dreamed for this perfection to never end, feeling Emily's body begin to turn under my touch._

_Her lips were pursed in a smile as she tumbled toward me. Her eyes remained closed, sighing again when my lips moved to her collarbone. Removing my lips from her skin, I readjusted my right hand so that it rested on her hip, her ass just centimeters from my fingertips. My left hand continuing to cup her face._

_Her eyes fluttered open feeling my lips move from the most sensitive part of her neck._

_"Hey…" she stated smiling at me, her hand reaching to cover mine still perched on her hip._

_"Hi." I floated my thumb over her lips as she lightly kissed against its touch._

_Emily moved her hand just below my breasts on my rib cage, barely clenching her fingers to hold onto my skin. My forever indication to scoot into her touch._

_"I missed you." I hovered just above her lips. Our faces almost touching._

_She laughed allowing her face to fall against mine, our noses resting next to each other, "You're so dumb, baby." She kissed to the left of lips on my cheek._

_I leaned away to stare into her eyes, smiling into her touch, "In a good way, right?"_

_"In the best way, Alison," Her eyes connected sharply with mine intent on conveying the passion behind her words, "Now, come here."_

_I bit my lip tightly as my hands swarmed her body. Before I could fully react, Emily's hand had made its way down my leg, tucking her fingers behind my upper thigh to pull my leg over her waist._

_My hands traced up Emily's toned figured, cupping one of her breasts in my hand as my lips made their way toward hers. The force behind my touch was only magnified by her lips as they collided with mine. She gasped as I squeezed delicately, grinding my hips lightly into hers._

_"Seems like you enjoy that as much as you did last night," I mumbled against her lips, smiling as my lips made their way up her jawline._

_Her hands rested near my shoulders grasping my body as close to hers as she could, breathing heavily into my ear as I captured her neck with my lips._

_She squirmed underneath me confirming her enjoyment, her nails beginning their trek down my back, sculpting my muscles beneath her fingers._

_Emily moaned as I bit, kissed, and sucked her neck repeatedly, her hands finding their way to my hips to push against me in hopes that I would give her some relief._

_I leaned back to look her in the eyes, barely tilting my head, confused by her action._

_She propped herself on her forearm as she reached forward to kiss me tenderly, twirling the hairs on my neck into her finger. Her hand moved slowly until the back of my neck was entirely in her palm and she dipped my face to her own._

_"I love you, Ali." She whispered before the force of her hip moved below me, flipping me toward her left._

_I can only assume that Emily had forgotten whose bed she was in as we both preferred the left side and took turns sleeping on the right side depending on whose dorm we were at. At my place, Emily flipping us to her left would have placed me back on my pillow and beneath her grasp. Unfortunately, we were not at my place. So her thrust lovingly sent us both falling to the carpet floor._

_Emily appeared startled as she adjusted her legs to straddle me. She reached both hands to my face, "You okay, baby?" My laughter overtaking her question before she could finish it. She collapsed into my chest both breathing heavily out of fear and giggling out of nervousness._

_"I'm fine." I whispered into her ear as my hands delicately grabbed her ass, "Where were we?" I asked, turning my head to capture her lips again in my own._

_She quickly reciprocated, beginning to suck on my bottom lip before pulling away, arching her back on top of me._

_"I think we were just about here…" Emily reached behind her to pull her hair out from her bun._

_Watching her hair cascade down her shoulders as her long torso arched above me, I bit my lip not believing the beauty before me._

_Tiny moments have a palpable sense of eternity, and as Emily placed her lips back on mine, I knew distinctly that this moment could last forever without any protest from the blonde-haired, blue-eyed vision beneath her._

* * *

My eyes shot open feeling drowned by my King-sized bed. My right hand was extended toward her side of the bed, holding a fist full of sheets in my hand. Memories of all my time with Emily came rushing back anytime I closed my eyes. The past 10 days had been a harsh flashback to the 18 months I had spent alone all those years ago. It was a movie reel that played back when I was awake, allowing only the best moments seep through at night. I pulled the collar of my t-shirt to my nose, inhaling her scent that had infused with the cotton over time. Extending my hands above my head, I tightened Emily's UChicago swimming sweatshirt back into a ball to tuck underneath my head as a pillow. Perfume and chlorine seeped through my nostrils to make up for every nuzzle into her neck that I had missed. I exhaled.

This wasn't okay. I knew it wasn't. I had asked her to leave, but here I was craving her touch. Her breath whispering against my skin. Her voice calming me from the own nightmare of grief I was living in. She had betrayed the only unspoken rule I had ever laid down. She had taken my biggest heartache and manifested it into a new reality.

But she was the only person I had ever coped with. When Emily found me sobbing after thinking I saw my mom in the eyes of a professor across the quad at Loyola, she wrapped her arms around me to carry me back to my dorm and away from the stares of students. When my father sent out his wedding invitation and she found it in my trash, Emily was the one that personally called him to tell him he could "go to hell."

The seething anger I felt inside was only met with the calm I felt after writing to her dad. It had been a pattern over the past few days to jot down small notes to him throughout the day. Notes of pain. Notes of understanding. Notes of backtracking. Notes of anxiety. Notes of fear.

* * *

**_Hanna reached out to me today and told me that she was doing 'well.' I don't even know what well means anymore. Better? Back to usual? Barely getting there? I guess only time will tell. Take care of her right now for me. – Ali_ **

**_..._ **

**_I woke up terrified that she isn't going to make it. That this was just the first step of her being gone. In my dream, I was justifying to myself that I could be alone. That I was better off alone. Should I start mourning her in my life already? Start taking steps to distance myself from the pain and heartbreak? Let me think on it. I think it might be too soon._ **

**_..._ **

**_Sorry. Just checking in to tell myself to keep breathing. I'm finding that harder and harder to do as time passes._ **

**_..._ **

**_I got mad again. I finally found the strength to clean up around her and went to take out the trash. The empty pill bottle was still lying on top. I could barely make out those finely typed letters before my eyes filled with tears. She couldn't have been thinking of me this past month, or she wouldn't have done this, right? My thoughts on addiction are pretty cut and dry. How could she? How could the impeccable woman you raised stoop so low? How could she? To me. To you. To your wife. To her future. To our fucking future. She doesn't care. There no way she could care and do this. Message heard, Em. Loud and clear._ **

**_..._ **

**_Sorry… my last note was ironically selfish. Sorry for cursing too. I wouldn't do that in front of you so I shouldn't do that in my letters. I was selfish too. Laying in my bed for months. Having everyone around me do my homework or make sure I was bathed and clothed and a semi-functioning human being. That was my solution. This was hers. Neither one was good. I am no better than her. I am flawed. I am stubborn. Sorry, Mr. Fields. I know you would expect more from me. I hope she's okay. – Alison_ **

**_..._ **

**_She's still not back in my arms. I still haven't heard her voice. I'm still broken, and I can only assume she is too. Talk to you later, I guess. I don't even know if this is working anymore or is just making me more lonely. I'll figure it out on my own._ **

**_..._ **

**_I've decided it helps. Hope you'll keep listening. Sorry._ **

**_..._ **

**_Why hasn't she called me, yet? It's been over_ ** **a _week. Hanna gives me some updates, but knowing what my mother looked like during her weeks of detoxing, something tells me that she's saving me from a picture I don't want to have of her in my head. I have to trust her. I have to extend trust to someone that doesn't deserve it. It's what you would do. It's what you would want me to do. Forgiveness is hard, but a leap of faith is manageable. If she proves me wrong and continues using, it's not like my heart could be broken anymore. I can take it. Can I take it? Bring her back to me soon. I just want to talk. We just need to talk. - Alison_**

* * *

After rereading those notes and the many more that filled pages upon pages on my journal, I knew that getting back to sleep tonight was a far-reaching dream. I decided that it would be best to get up and reset my usual bedtime routine to convince myself back into slumber. My feet stumbled for the door as I reached back to my bedside table to grab my water glass before heading downstairs. My finger curled around the bottom of my t-shirt, hesitant to be walking around my house with very little draped around me. Despite living alone for a majority of the last years of high school, there was something ominous about knowing that over the half of the rooms in my home were rarely used when I was there.

I dreamed of the day when this house would be filled again. The memories of the inexistent parenting I experienced growing up would be erased by the joyous laughter of mine and Emily's children. Love covering the walls of deceit.

I pictured the mornings that Emily and I would spend lounged on top of one another, entangled effortlessly while sipping coffee. Her hands tracing my sides as she placed kisses down my neck in sheer pleasure.

I imagined the bliss that would come from returning home to each other. Her dropping her work at the door to pick me up and have me wrap my legs around her body. Her tickling my sides causing me to toss my head back as I laughed in exaltation.

But the daze I was in, with my legs tucked into my chest on my living room sofa while visualizing every possible dream I could construct to distract me from reality, dissipated from view as I heard light rapping at the door.

3:28 am.

My head did a double take as I heard it again. Not loud, but with a consistent enough pattern that the knock could not be an accident. I walked to a corner of my living room that gave me a bee-line perspective of the door that was far enough away that I could quickly sneak into the master if my ears were deceiving me.

But there she was.

3:29 am.

I shuffled to the door, praying that the Emily on the other side was at least one I recognized.

"Hey… you're up." She mumbled, raising her hand hesitantly to wave hello.

I sighed taking in a good look at my girlfriend. Her hair was pulled back loosely, most likely done haphazardly as a way to try to make herself more presentable. She wore an old t-shirt of mine; the irony of which did not escape me as I was wearing a shirt of hers as well. Her college swimming sweatpants, the same ones I pulled on the day I got into the shower with her fully clothed, were paired with some of her flip-flops. As much as I took in her outfit though, I mainly focused on her eyes.

Her eyes were still depleted, yes, but the dark circles screamed lack of sleep and not addiction. You could see the full creamy brown color of her irises and not just small rings from the excessive size of her pupils on drugs. But most crucially, the crease on the side of her eye was turned upwards and not in a permanent downward position from being in a haze. She was sober. Not perfect, but a start.

"Yeah, came down to get water." I held up my glass as an explanation, "You're sober." I stated very matter-of-factly.

She nodded in reply, looking down before asking a question to the doormat below us, "Could I maybe come in?"

I stepped closer to her, closing off the entrance of my home behind me, "It's 3:30 in the morning, Emily. Why are you here right now?"

"I haven't been sweating for 24 hours…" she trailed off as if that was meant to be the secret passcode, but when my eyes met hers, she realized she needed to elaborate, "…the internet says that means the drugs are completely out of my system. You told me not to come back until I found your girlfriend. Until I was sober."

"You do realize that we can't have this conversation in the middle of the night, right? You know how crazy this seems, don't you? You're on my front porch at 3:30 in the morning as if this is a normal occurrence."

"I just wanted you to know that I tried to get you back as soon as I could." she hadn't made eye contact with me for minutes. Her hands were connected in front of her as she was wringing her hands in the realization of her ill-timing.

"Okay. I see that. Thank you." I stepped back, moving to close the door.

"Wait. Alison…" her head shot up wanting to fully say her piece, "I'll sleep on the couch. I can't sleep at Hanna's another night. I barely sleep as it is, please." I looked back out at her eyes which were now fully connected with mine, "Please."

I sighed exasperatedly, "Sure," I replied, throwing open the door, "But I haven't had time to detox the house. There's still shit all over that could be a temptation, so there's no way you're sleeping on the couch." I was halfway up the stairs before I finished, turning around to face her, "So you're coming upstairs with me. There's no way I'm leaving you down here alone."

Emily appeared shocked and quickly moved her feet to make her way up to my room. She was quiet, following my lead at every turn. Even walking into my room, she waited by the door hoping to receive some form of direction.

"Do you want the floor right next to me, or do you want to sleep in your spot?" I asked tensely. The sternness caused her to step backward. "Sorry. I'm just not really processing this, Em. I wasn't - I wasn't expecting you right now."

She didn't reply and silently made her way to her side of the bed, getting in and turning with her back fully facing me.

"Thank you." She whispered thinly into the air.

There was no way that either of our eyes could be closed at this moment. Sharing a bed with a person that you simultaneously loved and was also a stranger. It filled me with anxiety, and I only knew of one way to make it somewhat subside.

I slid my hand slowly underneath the covers, making a light ripple as it made its way across the bed toward her. The sound was subtle, but if Emily were awake, it would be apparent. My hand rested in that spot for what felt like decades, but after a few moments, I felt her fingers cling to mine. They felt desperate for touch and gripped to me as if terrified that I would let go again.

"How are you?" I asked into the darkness, causing Emily to turn around in the bed to face me on her side. When she fully turned over, her eyes were looking directly in mine, our hands still interlocked between us.

The silence was palpable as she maneuvered herself closer toward me. In complete darkness, Emily moved with pause, before I felt the top of her head below my chin. It was in that moment, I realized she was moving to hug me, her hand beginning to wrap against my shoulder blade in hopes that I would reciprocate. I inhaled sharply before choosing to put my hand around her waist and along her back, as her head nestled into my neck.

It was there, in the darkness, our hands still connected between us, our arms draped and clinging to one another, and her head placed directly against me that I felt her take a deep breath before beginning to cry into my chest.

And though my impulse all night had been to hold her at arm's length, I couldn't help but pull her closer to me as she sobbed.

* * *

**A/N: I hope I did a good enough job of showing the sides of Alison combating. It's a hard balancing act and I hope this showed it well enough. Thanks for all of the support and love! See you all Tuesday! :)  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	13. Needy

There never has been nor will there ever be a moment that compared to waking up the next morning with Emily by my side again. Her sobs into my chest subsided after an extended period where she was inconsolable. I mean, I had nothing concrete to say that would be acceptable or assuring at the moment. All I could do was rub her back and repeat 'shhh' into her ear gently. After the tears came silence. Once I knew she was alright, I unwrapped my arms from around her and rolled over to face my bedroom door. We still hadn't talked about anything, and the last thing I wanted was for Emily to get the wrong idea about what me holding her meant.

Her pain deserved to be recognized. Her struggle deserved solace. Emily herself didn't deserve either. So once that pain and struggle subsided, so did my recognition and solace.

The exhaustion from her detox pulsed through her even while asleep. Her mouth was draped nearly wide open as she breathed deeply through her mouth. The bun on her head the night before had fallen around her face, and the bags under her eyes had only become more pronounced. I sighed as I slipped out from under the sheets allowing Emily's arm that had found its way around me throughout the night to fall to the mattress below. Today would be a doozy. There was no need to complicate an already complicated situation with Emily waking up to find me cuddled up next to her.

I trudged downstairs to start a pot of coffee and make some French toast for breakfast. I knew it was Emily's favorite breakfast food and I figured starting her day off on a happy note couldn't hurt. As the smells of butter and cocoa wafted upstairs, I could hear Emily stirring above me. I followed her every step through the creaks in the flooring.

Walking. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Pause. Door closed. Longer pause. Toilet flush. Water turned on. One. Two. Three. Four. Water off. Pause. Door open. Walking again. One. Two. Three. Sliding closet door. Pause. Sliding closet door. Pause. Walking again. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

"Al?" she questioned over the banister, causing me to jump out of fear that I had been caught for listening to her motions too closely.

"Yes?" I replied after I caught my breath.

I heard her footsteps quicken as she proceeded down the stairs before turning the corner into the kitchen, "Just wanted to make sure you were down here before… I don't know. Part of me forgot where I was this morning, so I was double checking." As she turned the corner, I could see that the pauses I was unable to account for earlier included her redoing her ponytail and throwing on a sweatshirt out of my closet before coming downstairs.

Emily had made her way to my island seating as she finished her comment, "Did you think I would leave you this morning?" I asked tilting my head to the side wondering how much of her trust I had lost when I kicked her out of my home a week and a half prior.

She refused to make eye contact with me again, "I thought maybe you had told Hanna to come over instead so you wouldn't have to deal with me… and I definitely didn't think you would make me French toast after everything I –"

"Please, don't make a big deal out of me taking care of you. Coffee?" she nodded as I filled up a cup, emptying a half-packet of sugar and swirling in a small dose of cream before passing it to her. "Food will be ready in just a second, okay babe?" I exhaled frustratingly, "I mean, Emily."

"Mmm-hmm." Her only reply back, apparent hesitation still lingering behind the small sound she produced, "Are you going to be ready to talk today, Alison? I really am sorry for just showing up last night. I didn't know anywhere else to go."

Placing her plate of food in front of her, I looked at her with as much understanding as I could, "I told you it was fine. I get it, I do. And yeah, I can be ready to talk today if you are."

We ate in silence next to each other. Though Emily attempted eye contact throughout the meal, I knew that seeing her vulnerable would only break me down before I could actually speak to her. She started eating slowly, cutting off pieces of her maple-sopped food gently, but as her frustration continued to build, the harshness of her fork hitting the plate grew distracting. She chewed with more force and finished minutes before I did. Picking up her plate, she walked around to the sink, rinsed the syrup into the drain, and wiped the plate off before setting it in the sink less than gently and walking into the living room.

When I found her less than 5 minutes later, she was pacing in front of my fireplace, whispering to herself, "-girlfriend, not a stranger. You can do this Emily. All you have to do is t-"

She stopped mid-sentence as she saw me leaning against the opening between the living room and kitchen, smiling at her.

"You nervous there?"

Even with the stress filling her face as she turned toward me, there was a glimmer that hit her eye when she saw me. I had missed that glimmer. I had missed being seen through someone else's eyes. The feeling of knowing that someone sees you deeper than you even see yourself. It sent a peace through me I had forgotten to miss.

She chuckled, giving away the anxiety she felt about the entire situation, "Of course I am... I don't even know where we're supposed to start."

Walking over to the couch and sitting, I continued, "There's no right way, Em. We just have to figure it out as we go. We had respect for each other in disagreements for over four years; we can do it again. Come on. Come sit…"

"Can I touch you?" she asked quickly as her body hit the couch, stuttering over the next words knowing they came out wrong, "Your – your face. I haven't seen you in so long. I just want to touch your face and look at you."

Despite not fully understanding, I nodded as Emily cupped my face in her hands. It was the first time we had truly looked at each other in 10 days. She didn't start with my eyes, but instead with the crease between my cheeks and smile. Warmth radiated from the sincerity behind her touch, though the tips of her fingers felt of ice. Her thumb traced the curve, the corners of her lips turning up on their edges. Her thumb moved down to the sides of my lips, trailing toward the center of my mouth just below them, caressing back and forth. Her eyes stayed focused on my face. No smile. Only extreme kindness and care were visible from behind her eyes. Her thumb proceeded to ascend through the middle of my lip up to the tip of my nose. She continued by following the bridge of my nose to just below my forehead. It was then she met my eyes, smiling for the first time since she reentered through my front door.

"I missed you." She whispered keeping her hands steady on my face as she stared at me endearingly.

Putting my hands on top of hers and hooking my thumbs under her palms, I replied, "I missed you too, Em." Using the thumbs I had just hooked around hers, I slowly pulled her hands from my face taking keeping my hands around hers, "And I'm happy you're okay, but we have to talk this out."

"Yeah…" Emily looked back down at her lap. The shame of the entire ordeal leaving a shadow over her demeanor.

Keeping her hand in mine, I began rubbing my thumb across the top of it gently, "So let's start where I tried to last night. How are you? Actually?"

She took a deep breath, but couldn't even make it through that without her shoulders shaking and chin quivering, "I – I'm okay. It's been a lot to take in over the past 10 days. But, I'm better. I see everything more clearly, and Ali, I'm just so sorry. I can't even beli-"

Her tears had taken over before we had even really begun. She collapsed into herself, bringing her face up to her hands. It was apparent that she was beating herself up over and over again for her repeated missteps.

"Hey, Em. Look at me, please." She raised her head, tears still streaming down her cheeks, "It happened, okay? You can wish to take it back all you want, but it happened. You can't change the past, but we can do all we can to change the future. You've already done half of the work by getting sober, and from here on out, you're not alone in it. Hanna's here. Your mom is here. I am here."

She nodded while simultaneously continuing to cry. I understood immediately what she was thinking behind her emotional exterior. "I know. You wish your dad were here, too. He may not be directly walking alongside you, Emily, but glimpses of him are in every life he touched."

Emily wiped her tears off with her palms, talking while trying to pull herself together, "Do you see your mom? I remember having to take public transit to come and find you in the library last year and literally carry you across campus, but we haven't really talked about that stuff since."

"Yeah, I see her. I think less now than when she first passed. But freshman year of college, I used to go to this one coffee shop because I could swear that one of the female baristas had her laugh. And sometimes while crossing campus, I can smell her perfume like she's never left me…" I took a deep pause to inhale before continuing, "You, whew, you do this thing when you smile that sends me right back to every time my mother was proud of me. And the way you take care of me, Em. You have this ability to know innately what I need at any given moment. You'll find those moments too. No one will take his place; no one can take his place. But, people will help fill the void. It will get easier. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. I promise."

Emily grew silent once again, most likely trying to cope and process for one of the first times in over a month. She was working on her breathing like I had taught her. Eyes closed. Palms up. Exhaling bad. Inhaling good.

I reached toward her trailing my fingertips from the bottom of her palm to the tips of her fingers causing them to instinctively curl toward me. I whispered my next question, not wanting to startle her in her meditation fog, "So, you're doing better?"

Her eyes opened meeting mine as my fingers still traced her palm. "Yeah… I am, Al."

"That's good." My voice started breaking coming to terms with the reality that she was actually in front of me. She had returned to me, to us. She wasn't gone. "That's really good."

I turned my head toward my shoulder. Tucking my chin just below my collarbone and clenching my jaw, I tried to prevent my tears and nightmares from seeping through.

Emily clutched tighter around the fingers still lingering in her palm, "It's okay. I'm okay."

I nodded, still not facing her, but no longer attempting to hold back my tears. "I know us not speaking was for the best, but it just took me to a really rough place." My throat started to thicken, getting heavy with the thoughts and tears escaping from me. "It was hard to think that addiction had taken yet another person out of my life. That you were gone. That once again pills and chasing a high was chosen over –"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

I turned to her looking her dead in the eye, days old mascara undoubtedly running down my face by this point. I didn't care that she didn't want me to finish my thought. I didn't care that she could finally see my opinion of her choices. To move past this, we both had to understand the other completely, even through this,

"Me…"

I let the word linger in the air, "Emily, I love you. I'm so grateful that you are okay, but I hate what you did to me. Whether you thought about how I would take this news or not, I hate that for even one moment you didn't trust me to just come and ask me for help."

"It was a mistake, Al." Her fingers connected with my forearm as I processed her sentence.

"That's where you're wrong Emily. It was not a mistake. It was mistake, after mistake, after mistake. You cannot become addicted to pills and act like the first pill is the only one you are responsible for! " By this point, I was standing, pacing back and forth in the spot Emily just was. I was trying to keep my voice stable but knowing that my volume had raised dramatically, "Answer me this, Em. How many a day were you taking? At least 2 because that's how many you needed to even have a conversation with me ten days ago and that wasn't even civil." I paused, looking at her to fill in the blank.

She turned her body completely to face me, not getting upset at me standing or becoming agitated, "No more than 5, but usually 3." She said it plainly knowing that adding any more fuel to the conversation may cause me to explode.

"So every day you were making at least 3 mistakes. You can't just pass that along as one decision. You chose something else over me multiple times a day so you can't ask me to not finish a sentence, and then call it a fucking mistake when it's all you did for over a month." I realized that I was walking toward her, my voice rising with every step.

But Emily still didn't look angry or upset. Her face was empathetic, and her voice remained calm, "Okay. You're right. Can you come sit?" She extended her hand to me. I exhaled and reciprocated her grasp as she pulled me back toward her.

"You're right, Ali." She assured wrapping my hands between hers. "It wasn't just a mistake. It was a choice. I am so sorry that I was selfish and already too lost to come to you. I didn't feel in control of anything. I told you that morning that I needed something to be in control of."

She paused tracing her fingers over the back of my hand looking for some sort of reciprocation in what she was saying, "No, I get that, Em. We have to accept it at this point though, right?"

"Yes, but honestly though, it wasn't some master plan. I found the bottles and knew that any further prescriptions on them had expired. I figured that I could take them until they were done and then go from there. But no, I wasn't thinking about you. I wasn't thinking about anybody really. I was thinking about trying to get my brain to stop. I just needed to stop thinking about him and how he isn't here."

"Babe, I would love to tell you that you're going to stop thinking about him at some point, but he's your father. I told him so many times about how grateful I was that he made you into the woman I fell in love with. Every bit of him and his being continues on in you, so the best you can do for him is to continue living out his legacy through you. Be the person he dreamed for you to be, Emily. Let him continue watching your every step and have no choice but to smile. The more you live out your life with him in mind, the less you will think about how he isn't here. Because he will be here as part of you."

"I never thought about it that way…"

"And any dose of him that is reflected through you is bound to help me, as well." I continued lazily tracing my fingers in her palm as silence blanketed our conversation.

She squeezed one of my fingers lightly as she spoke causing me to gently look up from staring at our hands together, "He was more important to you than I realized, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, Em," I spoke curtly but softly looking back at our hands, not really wanting to get into a conversation about Emily's dad without telling her everything our conversations had entailed.

"Okay then, tell me." She moved one hand to my forearm willing me to speak with her touch.

"Tell you what?"

She leaned the side of her head against the back of the couch as our eyes connected. Kindness and empathy seeping from them, "Tell me who he was to you, sweetheart. I want to hear about him through your eyes."

* * *

_For as many times that Mr. Fields and I had caught up late at night on their front porch, there was still many a time that were manufactured through other events entirely. One such weekend was when I came in for my brother's college graduation which coincided with our own finals and made it so that Emily couldn't come home until a few days after, leaving me in the Fields home alone._

_As Mrs. Fields was cleaning up for dinner, Mr. Fields asked if I wanted to catch up. Settling into our spots on the porch, Mr. Fields chose to bypass our usual silence for a question of his own._

_"So, how long's it been, Alison?"_

_"Since?" I turned my body to face him legitimately confused by his line of questioning._

_"Since we started these chats? Since you started dating Emmy?"_

_I chuckled, "Well, those are two different questions because these chats started after the second time Emily and I began dating, so three and a half years ago, but I started dating your daughter for the first time over 5 years ago."_

_"So then we can both agree that it's been a long time."_

_"Yes, sir. We can." By this point, I had begun fidgeting with my fingers, twirling the edges of my shirt between their fingerprints._

_"And now that Emily's not here, we can actually be straight with each other."_

_"I mean, I've always 'been straight' with you…" I laughed internally at my unintentional joke._

_Mr. Fields sat across from me nervously for the first time since I had known him. His legs were crossed at the ankles, and despite always making eye contact with me, this time there was concern in his eye, "No, I know that. I guess I'm just nervous to ask this. My wife and I have wanted to ask you for a while, but we could never figure out the exact phrasing."_

_"Phrasing? Of what?"_

_"Hmm. Well, I guess this is the best way we heard it. What…" he readjusted himself to appear more self-confident in his questioning, "… well, what are your intentions with Emily?"_

_"My intentions?" I coughed startled at what he said, "Oh, well I always thought it was obvious, but that's a valid question. How do I phrase this?"_

_I thought genuinely about what I was going to say next. How do you tell your girlfriend's father that she's all you ever dream of? That when you two are lying in bed together, entangled and enraptured, you can't imagine your hands touching anyone else. That when she smiles, the butterflies in your chest can't be contained. How do you tell him that you would marry his daughter tomorrow if he would grant you her hand?_

_"I know we're young, but I do intend on spending the rest of my life with Emily. We've only briefly discussed getting married, so I'm not sure if that's something she sees for herself. But if she'll have me, I would love to be her wife some day in the future… Is that uh, what you were looking for?"_

_He chuckled, smiling at my response, "I guess it was, Alison. We don't picture her with anyone else, so I guess we always just worried if that was something you both talked about."_

_"To some extent, we do. But we really talk about having children a lot more than getting married." I looked at him while blushing, noticing his grin at the first mention of 'children.'_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, we talk about raising kids in my house a lot."_

_"So you guys would come back here?" The more I spoke about the future, the more his eyes lit up._

_"Well, we do have a house completely paid off and in my name here, so at least when we first graduate. We haven't fully talked about that yet, but it's what seems the most likely."_

_My voice carried off while we both sat in the idea of the future._

_"I think we both want something happy to fill up that house." I followed up timidly not wanting the conversation to end._

_"That house?" Mr. Fields glanced at me knowing my phrasing was off. I hadn't caught it until he said it either._

_"My house, you know?"_

_"Yes Alison, I do know. It's just interesting that you choose to call it that house and not your house."_

_My hand instinctively moved to my neck, scratching it nervously, "I know that it is mine, but I'd rather not lie and say that I feel an attachment to it."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I guess over the years, through the trauma and verbal abuse I faced at the hands of my parents' addiction and divorce that I learned to disassociate from my environment. The where is never as important to me as the who."_

_"And that's where Emmy comes in?"_

_"Exactly. We've talked so much about filling that house with joy again. I mean, a majority of the happy memories I have there already include her. So when we talk about the future, that's what we focus on. Letting laughter fill it from the floorboards up. Caring enough about its bones to send love through every fiber of its foundation. Allowing our love to permeate its walls so that it actually feels like ours and not like a distant part of my past."_

_"Don't get me wrong Alison, that does sound like a great plan you two have. But that's a lot to put on two 20-year olds."_

_"Oh, wow, no. This isn't anytime soon, soon. If you remember Mr. Fields, you started this conversation. I'm not asking for your blessing for marrying your daughter right now, sir. I promise I'll make that clear as day for you. You just were asking for our plans."_

_"I guess I just worry about you two growing up too quickly. When you've loved someone for so long, it is easy to get lost in the motions and not realize what's best for you both in the moment."_

_"I understand that. I'm just missing her right now. Like even though I know that I will see her in a few days. Even being in the same city, I miss her the 5 days out of the week we only speak on the phone. All we have done the past two years is figure out what is best for us, Mr. Fields. We would never make a rash decision about something this important. She's the best woman I know."_

_"I feel the same way. Well, I guess I have two great women in my life."_

_I laughed out loud at his sincerity, "You do. They're both excellent."_

_I relished in these moments, these conversations. We had grown comfortable in knowing that silence simply meant we were on the same page._

_"You're second." He interrupted my train of thought._

_"What?"_

_"Emily and my wife? They're tied for being the best women I know. And I know that had very little to do with me and more to do with how wonderful my wife is. But you are second."_

_"I'm second?" I smiled unsurely, not knowing exactly what he was saying._

_"Of course you are, Alison. You have changed close to every assumption I had about my daughter and her feelings. You help me know that even when I'm gone, well in Texas, that she is okay. You have people check in on my wife, and you make sure that my Emmy is loved every, single day. What else could a father have dreamed of for his daughter?"_

_"I really am not sure. I haven't exactly – "_

_"The answer is you, Alison. Every father dreams of someone like you…"_

* * *

As I finished, I noticed that we had subconsciously adjusted ourselves so that Emily's arm was draped around my shoulders as I held her hand, leaning into her side, "So other than you, your dad is the only person I really felt like I could ever talk to. I mean, he's the first person I ever discussed so many things with like loving you, fears about the future, my sexuality, how I –"

"Wait. You talked to my dad about sex? My dad? About our sex life." Emily tossed back her head in laughter.

"No, not sex life." I blushed more deeply than I had in years, "We talked about how I knew I was bisexual and what that is like in everyday life. You know, like if we were ever ostracized or anything for our sexualities. We talked about how you were the first woman I ever was interested in and how that affected my psyche. You know, stuff like that."

"And he was cool with that?" I nodded silently across from her.

"I think he really wanted to understand you, Em. He would mention every now and then how he wished you could talk to him about stuff that we talk talked about, but he knew how different it was, you know?"

Looking up at her, I noted the deep thought she was in. Her face appeared frozen at first glance, but when you stared closely at every facet, you could note the smile in her eyes and the smirk on the left side of her lips. She was both grateful yet remorseful. Grateful that I was able to find an adult in my life to confide in. Remorseful that she hadn't found that herself in her own father.

Attempting to console her, I turned my body to cuddle more deeply into her chest, wrapping her arms around my body as I nestled my head between her neck and left shoulder, "But yeah, he really was like my acting father the past 4 years. He meant a lot to me. Not as much as he meant to you, of course. But I will never have another relationship like I had with him in my life…" I sighed continuing my thought, "You lucked out in the dad department, babe."

"I did, didn't I?" she leaned her cheek down to my own before turning and lightly kissing me below my eye. Though romantic in nature, her gesture definitely felt more like an 'I'm sorry' combined with a 'thank you' than a true come on.

Silence flooded the room as we sat comfortably in each other's arms. I closed my eyes feeling her fingers cascade down my forearms. I felt incredibly at peace in her presence knowing that our conversation was far from over, but that we were now on similar pages. Little did I know that Emily's next question would show just how far we still had to go.

"Al, I gotta ask you something."

My eyes fluttered open wrapping my right hand over hers that was resting on my opposite shoulder. "Mhm?" I asked behind me.

"I can understand a lot of what happened last we spoke. I get your frustration and anger and disappointment. But why did you kick me out? It went against everything our relationship stands for. It went against every promise we made to each other. Why did you give up on me?"

"Em, I didn't give up on you."

"Okay, then I'll rephrase. Why did you give up on us, Alison?"

* * *

**A/N: There we have it! Part 1 of the talk. They still have quite a few topics to cover before they're truly patched up. Can't wait to explore Alison attempting to reason kicking Emily out (which is quite obvious, duh, but you get it). See you all Friday!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	14. Happy & Sad

_I've found that time moves more slowly during the moments you are meant to remember. The defining moments. I discovered this fact to be true the second time Alison and I got together. I think that as freshmen, I tended to look over the big moments in our relationship because I was so excited to just be there, with her. But this time around, I was taking time to pause and take in the details of the smallest of moments. I tried to stop time to take in every moment of the present that I wanted to take with me into the future._

_That Saturday in April was one of those times, even more than usual. Standing in front of Spencer's door, I did what I always did when I wanted to transport a memory along with me. The wind attempted to blow my straight hair out of place, causing me to wrap my palms around my head in hopes of holding it down. I chuckled under my breath glancing back and forth at the boys next to me. Caleb reached up for my hand, clasping them together as he reassured me._

_"This is the worst part. I promise, Em."_

_"Yeah," Toby affirmed on my left, "All you have to do is smile and be patient."_

_I nodded, unconfident in my abilities to make it through tonight without vomiting. I had to keep this memory in my head, no matter how badly I wanted to internally run away._

_Today was about new memories for us. Today would be harder for Alison than it could ever be for me. So yes, I was nervous, but Alison was shaken. I had to be there for Alison. Above any and everything else._

_Though it felt like an eternity, Spencer opened the door a few moments later, half dressed, "So sorry guys. Time got away from us." She paused, blushing as she turned, "Toby."_

_"Hey, Spence." He replied smiling, holding the door open with his palms so that I could walk in before the boys._

_Spencer was halfway up the stairs before the three of us had made it through the door, "We should be right down."_

_We gathered around Spencer's island glancing at each other awkwardly, despite being friends for years._

_"You guys were right. This part is terrible." I broke the tension._

_"What's terrible?" I heard her ask behind me._

_Turning around, I couldn't help but grow speechless. I closed my eyes and nodded to keep every detail at the forefront. Opening my eyes again, I found Alison descending from the stairs with Spencer, Aria, and Hanna in tow though no one else mattered. Alison's hair was immaculately curled and pinned to one side as her royal blue strapless dress hugged her tightly in the bodice before loosening around her hips, leaving nothing to my imagination. She looked at me with a loving intensity and when our eyes met, she immediately looked away. I kept my eyes on her as I stepped forward nodding in understanding. She hit my arms moments later, tucking her head into my chest._

_"Hello there, beautiful." I whispered, "You ready for some new memories?"_

_Alison took a deep breath before pulling away from my chest and placing her forehead on mine. "I can't wait." She whispered. A quiver in her voice gave away her hesitation._

_Her blue eyes put me at ease instantaneously. Even in her fear and heartbreak, she was here ready to move forward. I placed a finger underneath her chin guiding her to my lips. As they cascaded against each other, I felt her hands come up to my face holding us closer. I let my hands linger down her back before wrapping them tightly around her waist, willing for her anxiety to melt away._

_She pulled away briefly before pressing our lips together again, "Wait. Let me look at you, my love." She held me at arms' length before having me spin around in front of her. Though my floor-length silver one-sleeved gown took hours to find, I knew that when we walked into that hotel ballroom, all eyes would be on the woman before me. In Alison's eyes I looked gorgeous, but to everyone else, Alison DiLaurentis would be utterly jaw-dropping._

_She held my hands close in hers looking up at me, "You blow me away every day, Em. But, wow. You are beyond stunning."_

_Our group progressed throughout the rest of prom night without much stopping us. We exchanged corsages and boutonnieres, caught up in fits of laughter in our limo, whispered about some of the hideous dresses we saw among the Junior and Senior classes, and overall, embraced being able to spend a night free of parents and concern. Because we were so caught up in being with each other, Alison and I rarely had a true moment alone until the final dance of the night._

_As casually as I could, I had delicately placed Alison's hand over my shoulder as I led her to the dance floor, her arm quickly wrapping around my waist from behind as she placed a soft kiss on my shoulder blade. I turned around in her grasp once we hit an open spot in the crowd, enveloping her into me. Alison quickly placed her head on my chest as I held our hands as close to my chest as I could. I closed my eyes against her knowing she could only be deep in thought. Neither of us had forgotten what today was. What today signified._

_April 2nd_

_"I hope you know how much I am not taking the fact that I am spending today with you for granted, Ali."_

_She smiled up into my eyes, though unevenly from not quite knowing how she should feel in the moment, "You didn't forget?" she questioned._

_"Not at all, babe." I placed my hands on her waist as I looked at her deeply, "I could never forget the day you never will."_

_She closed her eyes nodding, only opening them again as tears delicately fell, "Thank you. This year feels different though." Her fingers fiddled with the bottom of my straight hair as she processed her thoughts. "Last year, I felt really alone, you know? We had finished our lawsuit with my dad just weeks before and I was just stuck in that house. I mean, that's not entirely true. Spence was there, and Jase came in for the weekend, and we just vegged out. But it was different. I felt just as hollow as the year before. I still felt just as haunted by the fact that my brother and I had made the decision to let her go. Daily, I lived with the decline of the steady beat of her heart, and her last attempt at catching her breath. And like if I really think about it…" she paused to take a breath, only continuing after I removed my lips from her forehead to make eye contact again, "I can still remember those things. But they've started to fade this past year. Now that I have better memories to replace them with."_

_She smiled up gingerly at me, tears still falling, "I love you for that, Emily. So, so much. I love that every single day all you want for me is to be happy and feel loved. But I feel guilty for my happiness… our happiness. I feel guilty for moving on from the loss of my mother and making new memories without her. I don't know if I deserve this, you know? Do I deserve to be moving forward only 2 years later?"_

_Alison paused again, tucking her arms into her body before leaning against me again allowing my arms to wrap around her. "Let's go sit, okay? We don't have to talk about this on the dance floor, sweetheart." As we walked toward a table in the corner, I made sure to make eye contact with the girls to let them know everything was okay._

_As I pulled out Alison's chair, she kissed me delicately on the cheek before sitting down. "So let's talk about it, Al. Of course, you deserve happiness. Your mom wanted and still wants you to live a life that makes you only the happiest. And babe, you promised your mom I would be here to take care of you every step of the way, so there's no need to feel guilty about that fact now."_

_She began to reply as I reached over with my thumb to wipe her tears before mascara fell down her face, "It's more than that though. I don't quite know how to explain it. Take today, for example, it's our first prom. I'm with a stunning woman. We're with friends who uplift and fulfill us. But of course, it's on a day that I should be remembering her. I haven't figured out a way to both be present in every moment and still honor my mom."_

_"You went through some of the worst of your life at 14, Ali. You're not going to have all the answers two years later. Grief and loss don't have a time limit."_

_At this point, Alison's face was in her hands, "But I'm ruining today for you, Em."_

_I laughed leaning forward to trace her jawline with my thumb, "You've ruined nothing. Yes, this may be our first prom together, but I am certain that we will have so many more. I knew that walking into tonight it would be hard. I wasn't naïve to that, Al." I stood up willing Alison to follow my lead as I laced my hands around her waist. "This isn't a problem; us, in a corner while everyone else is dancing. This is our life and our relationship, and we've told each other from the very beginning that we are in it no matter what. You aren't ruining anything. You are making us that much stronger."_

* * *

"Al, I gotta ask you something," I whispered, afraid of the question I was about to ask due to the potential to shatter the progress we had just only made.

She placed her hand across her chest to hold on to my own hand as she turned her head to face me, "Mhm?"

"I can understand a lot of what happened last we spoke. I get your frustration and anger and disappointment. But why did you kick me out? It went against everything our relationship stands for. It went against every promise we made to each other. Why did you give up on me?"

"Em, I didn't give up on you."

"Okay, then I'll rephrase. Why did you give up on us, Alison?

She attempted to shift uncomfortably beneath me, but I placed my palms flatly on either side of her collarbones to let her know that she wasn't getting away from the conversation without an answer.

"Em, you didn't give me much of a choice. You disrespected me, my home, my mother."

"As I said, I was so wrong in every aspect of that conversation, babe. But we had gone almost 5 years with the same promise to each other," Alison tucked her head into the crook between my arm and side listening, "Through so much we have stayed with each other: my mom going off on us when we first got back together, me getting drunk and you having to come and rescue me, that douchebag Derek kissing you, me being so mad at you that time you didn't return my texts for 2 days and I thought you had died…"

She chuckled, "We talked about this; I was studying on the bottom floor of the library."

"For two days?!"

"Okay, okay. I was a terrible girlfriend that finals week, I get it."

"Thank you." I kissed her temple as I continued, "Regardless, it was the first promise we made to each other this time around and we had kept it. At least before last week."

"Emily, you have to see it from the perspective of my past. It wouldn't have been good for me to be around you detoxing. It would have brought up so much and I was so angry. I wouldn't have been able to be there for you like you would've needed me to."

"But what did we say, Alison?" She started attempting to speak, but I raised my voice to get my point across, "What did we say, Alison? Do you remember? They were your fucking words."

"Yeah, I remember." She sighed exasperatedly lifting my arms above her head so that she could escape from under my embrace. Turning around on the couch, she faced me holding my hands in hers, "Of course I remember."

She inhaled through her pursed lips as though attempting to hold back her full emotions. Her 'I'm sorry' was palpable through her palms. Her eyes, though disconnected from mine, were tracing back and forth across the couch cushion searching for a way to make this better. Her blonde hair fell slightly in her face hiding one of her piercing blue eyes. She knew I wasn't angry, but I could feel the guilt behind her actions as she began repeating the words she had spoken to me 4 and a half years earlier.

"Instead of avoiding…" she started the sentence before looking up at me, her lip quivering as her eyes which were now brimmed with tears met mine, "…when we're angry or upset, we will choose to be with each other."

Using my knuckle to brush away some of her tears, I continued our commitment, "Even in silence?" Alison nodded covering my hand on her face with her hers and she began sobbing into it. Knowing she wouldn't be able to finish, I took over, "Even in silence. Even in anger. Even in jealousy. Even in grief. I will be with you, no matter what."

It took longer than I expected for her to start piecing herself back together. She heaved and cried for an extended period of time, indicating to me how much her decision had truly beaten her up inside. Of course, I consoled her the entire time, but the longer it took her to get her emotions in check, the more I felt guilty of expecting her to let me stay.

"Ali… look at me, please. Alison, I'm not angry with you. I'm angry at myself for putting you at that crossroads in the first place. I just want to understand it, okay?" I rubbed her back gently, hoping that my words might instill in her enough peace to start talking again.

"Okay." She replied curtly, standing from the couch and heading upstairs. I heard her roughly whisper, "I'll be right back."

She came back down less than a minute later with her journal in her hand. The tears had mostly subsided. Instead, her eyes appeared determined and in some ways bitter as she tossed the book into my lap, "You want to understand. You really want to understand?" her voice was sharp, not angry, but sharp and focused.

"Of course, I do. Come sit back down. Let's read it together." I extended my hand just wanting her to be near me as we came to understanding together.

"I can't be here while you read that. I won't be able to do it. I don't even read it myself."

"Al…"

Her arms crossed around her chest, "Sorry, Em. I'm gonna go for a walk. I'll give you time. I love you."

She leaned forward and for the first time since we had fought 10 days before, she kissed me. Chastely. Passionately. Briefly. And then she marched right for the front door.

"Page 15." She whispered behind her as the door closed.

This whole scenario was blowing my mind. The fact that we were arguing about her leaving me when I needed her most and yet here she was leaving again when I needed her to sit next to me so we could walk through this together was numbing. As I trailed my fingers through the first pages, I noticed the beginning date on the cover page… the day she found out about my drug abuse. This journal was barely 10 days old and covered every aspect of her brokenness while I recovered. The following pages were written delicately but obviously written with shaky hands. Some of the middle parts of the pages were sunken from moisture, presumably tears and each page was filled with a different emotion.

**_Sorry. Just checking in to tell myself to keep breathing. I'm finding that harder and harder to do as time passes._ **

**_..._ **

**_She's still not back in my arms. I still haven't heard her voice. I'm still broken, and I can only assume she is too. Talk to you later, I guess. I don't even know if this is working anymore or is just making me more lonely. I'll figure it out on my own._ **

Who was she talking to? Who was she apologizing to? What made her feel like this was her only outlet?

I traced the letters as I continued thumbing through the pages, deeply desiring to understand the depth behind her words. As I flipped to page 15 though, things became more clear.

**_Mr. Fields,_ **

**_It's Day 8 and these short notes aren't cutting it anymore. I've stopped being able to process this experience without setting myself back by nearly 7 years. I woke up tonight with my heart racing, reaching for Emily and yet only catching cold sheets between my fingers. My mind was incapable of processing what was happening, but as I reflect back on it, I can only assume that I was having a panic attack. My lungs couldn't catch their breath. My brain couldn't catch a thought._ **

**_But I was back at my mother's funeral in my dream… or I guess nightmare. I was back helplessly sitting in that pew, with every detail exactly as I remembered it. I was holding an old purse of hers between my fingers hoping that it would ground me while I was there. Jason was on my right looking so handsome despite the lack of color in his complexion and the steadiness of his shaking feet beneath him. Spencer was on my left. Vacant. Trying her best, but let's be honest with ourselves, she should never be solely responsible for helping someone through a tragedy or trauma. So I was essentially alone. I shouldn't have been, but I was. But at least I was with part of my mother. This faux leather bag trapped between my fingertips, delicately filled with my own items. Attempting to pull it off as my own, but needing it to even be functional. My hands fumbled through the inside of the bag, trying to find the Kleenex that I had haphazardly thrown in the night before. But then I hit the bottom of the bag. The cool silky interior clutched in my knuckles. Along with the fabric though, my fingers connected with pills. At least 5 that were strewn in the bottom of her previously filled bag for the sole purpose of a high._ **

**_Because for as much as I needed my mother's bag to be functional, I definitely couldn't go the day without being reminded of what she needed to be functional as well._ **

**_Breaking the pills in half between my fingers, I began sobbing uncontrollably crushing every memory of my mother's high into powdered rubble at the bottom of the purse. Jason wrapped his arm around me seeking to console me without understanding the realization I was coming to in the midst of losing her._ **

**_We had lost her over a year ago. We had lost her from the moment she first gulped down a pill with her guilt._ **

**_And in my dream, just like in reality, Jason and I walked to put a flower inside her casket. I held my head down not wanting to confront the reality of my loss. Not wanting to understand the crushing reality that my rock was gone. But when I reached her coffin and trailed my eyes up to her face to say goodbye…_ **

**_It was Emily. Emotionless. Cold. Dead._ **

**_Your daughter was in my favorite dress of hers. White lace and comes just above her knee. It fits her just so and glows off of her tan skin. You would've loved to see it. Her hands were folded delicately across her stomach and around her neck was a necklace of my name in cursive on a golden chain that I had provided to the funeral home._ **

**_It all felt so real. Jason had disappeared into thin air next to me only to be replaced by your wife. Spencer still sat on the pew next to me though Hanna and Aria cried next to her as well this time. And as I returned to the pew, I reached for the black bag seated in my place while I was gone. I put my hand inside fumbling for the bottom again coating my fingers with the white powder I found in my mother's bag. Solidifying the loss of the only two women I've ever loved in the same manner._ **

**_I closed my eyes in the middle of that funeral home praying deeply to wake up from the nightmare. But instead, as my eyes closed, I felt like I was being suffocated. Unable to take a breath. Unable to reopen my eyes. Unable to feel or reach out or grab for anything._ **

**_I was stuck. As I opened my eyes in the present and grabbed for your daughter's hand, I knew I couldn't live that dream again._ **

**_I can't be stuck anymore, Mr. Fields. I can't wake up and be without Emily, and then fall asleep and have to live out her death until it actually happens in reality. I can't be with her as she shakes and vomits and trembles and cries out in agony. I can't hear the echoes of her cries in my sleep. I can't be riddled with the pain of seeing her face in desperation. I can't go through another funeral. I can't go through another detox. I can't live with another addict. I can't love another addict without regard for my own emotions. Because loving an addict means abandoning a part of yourself. It's willingly giving a piece of yourself to someone that will always put a pill or a drug or a substance before it._ **

**_But I'm done. Honestly. I won't do it again. If the next time I see your daughter, she is still high. If she is still using, or if she ever, ever touches anything again, I'm done. I will help her stay sober every single day of my life. I will be with her through any sober struggle she may have, but I will never give up my sanity for that of an addict again._ **

**_I would rather be alone than be stuck._ **

**_I would rather be alone than feel worthless._ **

**_I would rather be alone than bury the love of my life._ **

**_So I'm done._ **

**_I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry she let you down. I'm sorry she let me down. I'm sorry._ **

**_Forever._ **

**_Alison._ **

At some point, while I was reading over the letter for a second and third time, Alison had reentered her house and taken her place behind me. I read the last paragraphs until I could no longer see from the tears in my eyes. I put my head down as Alison wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind.

"Em, I asked you to leave because the promise we made 5 years ago was never meant to be applied to an addict. Because in the first part of our entire promise when I said that we would 'choose to be together', that all changes when you're high. I will never choose to be with an addict. I refuse to accept that as my reality. I refuse to accept that as your reality." She paused as she kissed my temple, "I hope that you would refuse that reality too."

"You dreamed that you had to bury me?" I whispered in reply, bringing my hands up her wrists now dangling over my chest.

"Yeah, Em. Multiple times. Here, uh, let me walk around." She attempted to maneuver around the couch without letting go of me, knowing the struggle I was going through in attempts of processing her letter.

We rearranged ourselves so that I was lying on the couch with my head in Alison's lap looking up at her as we spoke. She connected our right hands as her left hand tucked hair away from my face.

"Sorry I cried so much earlier. I'm sure you were confused, but having to talk out me asking you to leave again just really brought back the struggle I went through while you were detoxing. Hanna wouldn't really tell me anything because she didn't want me to get my hopes up. She would only tell me that it was hard but that you were doing well."

"I will never fault you for crying, Al. I get it. I get why you asked me to leave. I guess part of me over the past month figured you were the one person that would be the maddest at me, but the one that would most easily understand and be there for me. It was me being selfish once again."

"Part of that's true. I will most easily understand how it happens. I will always be there for you, but I will be there for you sober. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah, Alison. It makes sense. As much as you would love to put us and our relationship first always, we are nothing if we don't take care of ourselves."

"Exactly…." Alison trailed off as her hands remained on mine, "Babe?"

"Mmm-hmm?" I questioned, opening my eyes to look at her.

"I don't want you to get upset about what I'm about to say. Just listen and then think about it, okay?"

I sighed, "It's fine. Today's been exhausting. Go ahead."

"With what you said, you know, about taking care of ourselves. I know that you got sober cold turkey and I'm so, so proud of you. You are remarkable. But if we want to really get this to stick and move past everything, I think we need to go to therapy. Both separately and together."

"Al…" I had already done the hard part. Why was bringing anyone else into this needed? We were working it out. I was better. I would be better.

"No, you said you would listen. I know you want to just forget this happened, but that's not realistic, Em. You still haven't appropriately addressed your dad's passing and there's no way that we can work through how this actually affected our relationship without someone having a bird's eye view of it. Hell, your mom doesn't even know what happened. Where does she think you've been for the past 10 days?"

"Hanna texted her for me and told her that I was with you still." I stumbled, trying to work out exactly what I wanted to say, "I… I mean, you know that my family can't aff-"

"Nope. Money isn't an excuse right now, Emily. I can pay for all of it, okay? It's not a big deal."

"But my mom wouldn't like that I – "

"Like what? You not getting help? I'm sure that even though she's in the throes of paying for a funeral, she would much rather take out another loan than see you suffer. Like I said, please just think about it."

I sat up running my hands through my head. I wasn't planning on anyone else knowing about this. It was just a misstep. I had an addiction. It was in the past. I wasn't an addict. Not in the present. Alison knew and Hanna knew. That was enough. No one needed to know I was struggling and wasn't strong enough to cope. I was fine.

Alison's hand found my back, "You know babe, they could just help you figure out how to explain it to your mom."

I knew that. I had gone to therapy before, but that was different. That was for depression. You can't control that. I chose to take those pills. This was my problem to solve.

"Maybe it would be helpful to just hear me in therapy. You could just sit and listen, okay? I think it would be helpful though."

Alison already told me everything. What good would hearing her repeat herself in therapy do?

"It would mean a lot to me that you are taking what I said in that letter seriously, babe. That you're taking us seriously."

I snapped my head back to her, my eyes feeling emptiness behind them, "You really think I don't take us seriously?"

She put her hands up in innocence, "Em, of course, I do. But it would show a continued dedication to our future, sweetheart. It would mean that you understood what the end of that letter said."

"So you're essentially forcing me to go to therapy?" I looked back toward my lap, defeated.

"Emily, listen to what I'm actually saying, okay?" Alison asked delicately. She wasn't upset. She was pleading. "I would love for us to go to therapy separately and together. But if that's too much for you right now, can you please support me in us going to counseling together? You can just sit there and listen to me and what the therapist is saying, okay? I would love your support right now."

I knew the answer was yes when thinking back to the end of her letter to my dad. My dad. She hadn't written to me. She hadn't written to her mom. She hadn't written to her brother or her father or Spencer. She wrote to my dad. The only person she could trust. I needed to be that person for her. I needed to be worthy of writing a letter to.

I nodded in reply, knowing that I would do anything in this world to be worthy of her again.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this next chapter! If I am counting correctly, there are 6 chapters after this one before this story officially concludes! :) I have already started posting the story that I am currently working on. It's chapters are being split up and posted every Sunday and Thursday. You can find that on my profile under the title 'Kingdom Come Undone'.  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: I just want to thank everyone who has joined my Patreon so far. If you are interested, I am posting exclusive and original content and long-form stories over there with different perks at each tier. Special thanks to my highest tier supporter SquishyAnon! All profits will go directly to medical bills I have racked up over this past year and a post with more detail on my Patreon under the same username, or you can follow the link on my profile. Thank you so much for even your consideration! The first chapter of my first Patreon exclusive story will be posted at the start of the new year! : )  
  
See you Tuesday!   
  
\- secretpen28**


	15. Make It To Me

_The sounds of my heels pacing back and forth on the Fields' front porch only competed with my heartbeat which felt unstoppably loud in my chest. I figured that today would be the day because of the letters I had received and despite knowing that Emily wouldn't be home for nearly an hour, I rushed over to wait for her so we could be together. I anxiously knocked on the front door hoping that maybe Mrs. Fields' car was in the garage so that I at least had someone to talk this out with until Emily got home. But after texting Emily's mom, just in case she happened to be outback, she had replied letting me know that she was going to be getting home late and that I could wait for Emily on the front porch. After knocking, I had even checked on the underbelly of the ceramic frog that set to the left of the front window which typically had an extra key stuck to it. But even that potential solution had been shot down, so here I paced. Every 10 minutes or so, I took a break allowing myself to swing on the front porch staring at the sealed letters in my hands. Not wanting to ruin the surprise, I had texted Emily simply stating, 'Hurry home ;)', which now that I considered it after-the-fact, I could only assume her car swung into the driveway as quickly as it did because she thought she was getting laid. Watching her toned body climb out from her car, hair tied back into a wet ponytail, and skin still glistening from not fully drying off before heading home sent chills through me. Mostly due to the news coming within a matter of minutes, but also because of how breathtakingly gorgeous she was even in the smallest of moments._

_She appeared a little out of breath as she approached the front steps, "Hey, babe. Why aren't you inside?" She briefly hesitated as I walked toward her before placing her palm on my cheek for a quick kiss._

_"Hey… I love you." I whispered pulling away, keeping the letters hidden behind me._

_"And I love you too? But what's going on, Ali?"_

_I stepped back to make the big reveal, "I think we have some offer letters to go through!" I barely jumped off the ground with excitement, but it was enough to make Emily filled with glee._

_"Really?! Okay, can you check the mailbox and I'll run upstairs to grab the other 3!" She asked as though it was a question, but had already opened the door and left me in her wake before I had fully processed what was happening._

_I raced down to her mailbox pulling out one last letter from Pepperdine before rushing to sit back on the front porch swing. Emily and I had been methodical about the application process based on her potential offers from initial scouting at the end of last season: Pepperdine, University of Chicago, Villanova, University of Texas. Based on those 4 schools, I had applied to the same colleges or ones nearby in hopes that both of us would get accepted and wouldn't have to start a long-distance relationship 3 years in._

_Emily quickly closed the front door behind her as she nestled into the swing next to me, "You ready, sweetheart? We've waited for all 4 over the past two weeks and the moments is finally here."_

_"Are we still on the same page about this, Em?" My head turned hesitantly toward her, "I mean, we still want this. Want us, side by side, even through college."_

_"Of course I do. Al, we talked about this all summer. I told you to apply anywhere you wanted. Are you regretting that you didn't now?"_

_"I guess I just wonder what might have happened if I tried for an Ivy League, and I could have. But what good is a college name on a diploma if you're not by my side?" I looked up at Emily smirking._

_"You do realize that even if we do end up at the same school a DiLaurentis is never going to graduate next to a Fields?"_

_"They could!" I stared emphatically, "Don't shoot it down 4 years out! It could happen! How many E last names are there really?"_

_Emily laughed placing her forehead on mine, "I love that you have no idea how fucking cute you are."_

_Her brown eyes stared forward into mine as though making a silent promise. All the words we had said and all the preparations we had made were dovetailing together at this moment for better or worse. Our future decided by 4 little envelopes._

_"Okay," Emily interrupted my thought, "Let's start with the two envelopes that are 100% different sizes… Pepperdine."_

_We looked at each other and then tore away. Emily into her smaller folded letter-sized envelope and me into a full-sized letter envelope. I scanned the page finding the all-important words before turning to Emily._

_"We are pleased to inform you…"_   
_"We are sorry to inform you…"_

_I looked up at Emily as her face started to drop but still had an upturn right on the side of her smile._

_"Okay, it's a no for swimming, but a yes for enrollment. No scholarship."_

_I hadn't even searched my letter for an indication of a scholarship. Yes, one would be great, but my inheritance from my mom would more than cover any expense I had for decades to come. I had forgotten that Emily's college career wasn't just riding on swimming; it was riding on any money provided. Period._

_I placed my hand on her back, "So what does that mean for you, Em?"_

_"I'm out. There's no way I can go to a private university without a scholarship."_

_"Okay, then. We're out." I placed the Pepperdine letter to my side before picking up Villanova's. A deep sigh settling into my chest without letting it escape._

_I could tell by Emily's grin that she wanted to mention how easily I put that letter away, but I could also tell that she had to have known the pain it took to put that letter aside. Pepperdine had been one of the school's I had discussed most. Not only was it gorgeous and the change of scenery I thought Emily and I deserved, but it also would have given me the opportunity to be closer to my dad. Much desired even though we hadn't spoken in almost a year._

_She let the moment pass though, most likely waiting to hear the rest of the news first, "Alright, Villanova. Here we go." Emily announced._

_Once again, we paused. My eyes hit the first line causing my head to snap toward Emily's._

_"I am pleased to inform you…"_   
_"I am pleased to inform you…"_

_And as we both repeated the same words, our inflection became higher and higher as the sentence continued._

_"I'm so proud of you, Em! An NCAA I division wants my superstar!" I leaned over to kiss her cheek as she continued reading._

_"Well, they gave me their highest scholarship bracket for sports scholarships."_

_"Em, that's great!" I smiled, wrapping my arm through hers._

_"Yeah, but it's only $19,000 a year. Villanova costs twice that. Fuck…"_

_I turned to place my hands on Emily's thigh, "Look at me. If that's where you want to go, we can apply for federal student aid or scholarships through your dad's service. And if that's not enough, I can supplement whatever is left with my inherit-"_

_"No, no, no. I am not using that money. It's for your future, Al."_

_I wrapped her hands in mine, "That's where you're wrong sweetie. It's for our_ _future. You're going to be by my side through all of it. Yeah, maybe we'll have to spend 20 grand less on our wedding someday because we will have gotten you an amazing degree with an even better opportunity on a Division 1 swim team."_

_"Alison, I'm not going to do that. I'm sorry, but I refuse. Villanova's not out, but it's definitely not a yes. Is that okay?"_

_"Here, my love," I whispered, turning her face toward me before kissing her sweetly. Feeling her bottom lip suckled between mine, humming lightly into her mouth to remind her of my presence beyond just sitting next to her. I was with her, no matter the decision or choice. She would be mine and I would be hers. Not because of the school we attended, but because we were together. "It will always be okay. Texas, next?"_

_She nodded kissing me once more as we both opened The University of Texas envelopes. I scanned the page, quickly glancing at Emily to hear her speak first._

_"I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into The University of Texas' Class of 2024! Along with your acceptance, we are pleased to extend to you a full-ride scholarship on our Women's NCAA I Swimming Team."_

_"Alison?" she turned toward me smiling, "We did it!" She projected herself into my arms as I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "We did it, love bug."_

_I sighed on the other side of our hug, "No, babe. You did it…" I trailed off leaning away from her to show her my letter which opened with 'We regret to inform you'. "Em, we did know that UT would be a long shot for me. Even with my scores, we knew that being out of state, no sports, and their law program being so competitive would be difficult. We knew this was a possibility."_

_"Yeah, we did," Emily whispered moving her letter to the side, hiding her disappointment. Not in me, never in me, but her disappointment that maybe this plan of ours wouldn't work out as we had hoped. "Ready for Chicago?"_

_"Emily…"_

_"No. We're not talking about it. No Pepperdine. No UT. Let's move on to Chicago, please. There's no need to discuss something that may not be an issue yet." She reached across me to put the Loyola letter in my hand._

_It was already an issue because this was the last place Emily would have wanted to attend. Not because of Chicago, not because of their swimming program, but because it was the only school we both hadn't applied to. The University of Chicago, an excellent university. An excellent university with one of the best Law programs in the nation just 25 minutes away. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than nothing._

_Emily and I gave each other one last look before opening our separate envelopes._

_"I am pleased to inform you…"_   
_"I am pleased to inform you…"_

_I looked up at Emily in anticipation as I watched her eyes scan the entire letter before turning toward me, tears in her eyes._

_"Full scholarship, Em?"_

_"Full scholarship!" she squealed, jumping up from the swing. "We did it, Al!"_

_I stood wrapping my arms around her waist, "We did it! So, are we in for Chicago?" I asked, reaching my hand out next to her so that I could hold her hand as close to me as possible._

_"Chicago." She replied, confidently lacing her fingers in mine before wrapping me into yet another kiss._

* * *

There was something effortless in holding her hand. After 8 years of friendship and nearly 5 years in this current relationship, holding Emily's hand felt as second nature as breathing. More than being an immediate connection point to say 'I'm here', it was a way to have a check-in on how she was feeling. Even though Emily had been relatively closed off since we finished our conversation days before, walking into the therapist's office for our first appointment, I could sense the hesitation in her palms. They were clammy and her heartbeat could be felt through the pulsing of her thumb.

"Thank you for this, Emily," I reassured as the elevator doors closed in front of us.

She took a deep breath in, rubbing her thumb on the outside of my hand, "I'm doing it for you…" she coughed, editing her words, "…for us."

I kissed her cheek as the doors opened onto the 4th floor, "I know, and I love you for it."

I knocked on the door labeled '4A' and it quickly opened with Dr. Ives on the other side. She was shorter than either of us but smiled larger than maybe either of us ever would. Despite her smile though, her clothing appeared rigid indicating to me that Emily and I may have been in for more than we initially expected.

"Good morning, ladies! Please, come in."

I smiled at Emily leading her to briefly grin before looking again at the floor. We walked over toward the couch, and I immediately placed my arm around her shoulder. Emily moved her fingers toward my upper thigh scaling them up and down for stability.

"So Emily and Alison," she began, opening up a blank manila folder to the inner flap, turning the folder inside of itself before placing a pencil on the upper right-hand corner writing our names in neat cursive. "Tell me why you're here…"

She glanced up at both of us looking back and forth watching our eyes as Emily looked directly at me, leading me to begin opening my mouth.

"No. Together." She interrupted before gathering her thoughts to be more succinct, "I noticed your eye contact when you first walked in. Alison, it can't just be you speaking. We need you both… So tell me why you're here, one full thought at a time. Either of you can start." She looked down waiting.

I started, "We're here because we –"

" – I" Emily interrupted, "I am an addict."

Dr. Ives' eyes glanced up to both of us as Emily pulled my hand toward hers. No longer clammy, but her nails were gripping into the back of my hand. Anxious, but not scared.

She took a deep breath in before continuing, "We are here because I need help working through the death of my father which led me to abuse pain pills. Led me to abuse Alison's trust because that's how she lost her mom 6 years ago. We're here because –"

"No. I'm going to stop you there Emily." She chuckled under her breath, "I think that's plenty for us to work with, but not today."

Emily and I looked at each other back and forth, unsure of where Dr. Ives was headed. Yes, Spencer's mother had gotten us an in on this typically booked doctor's regular appointment list, but we weren't sure how not talking about the issue was going to help.

"Dr. Ives, the fact that Emily even decided to speak today is – "

" – is a feat of its own? Is not what you both originally talked about? Is a big step forward in Emily's sobriety? Yes, I understand that, but addiction is not solved by talking about the addiction itself. We will get there. But not today. You're in love?" she spoke with upper inflection as if a question.

We smiled at each other, "Yes, we are."

"Not a question. Just a statement. You're in love, that much is obvious or you wouldn't be here. At 21, almost 22. Not married. Not engaged. Just in love… that's a good thing. I want to try something. Can you move to opposite ends of the couch please?"

Emily sighed scooting to her left while I followed in suit to my right. I curled my legs up underneath me, while Emily leaned forward over her legs, opening them so her arms could dangle in between them.

"Great." And she wrote, looking at us carefully before jotting down bullet points, "It's interesting. How long have you been together?"

I leaned onto my palm that was placed on the armrest next to me, "We broke up for a year, but all together over 5 and half years."

"So, most of your late adolescence?" Emily nodded in reply, "Because it's interesting… together in your relationship when you're seated side by side. Emily," she paused, "You appear to be submissive, and no, that's not a bad thing. It may just be because of the circumstances that you just explained which we will get in to. But Alison guides you through every step. She squeezed your hand before you even attempted to speak. She carried your hands to her heart as you looked into her eyes to tell her how in love you are."

We looked at each other hesitatingly, grinning at each other briefly before looking back at Dr. Ives.

"But apart Emily, look at how you're seated. You're the aggressor, compared to Alison who when not next to you physically retreats into her seat. She no longer has to have her feet on the ground to keep you stable. You fill a different role both together and separate from one another. Once again, not a bad thing. Just a note."

Emily and I made eye contact, concerned about where exactly Dr. Ives was headed, "Let me explain," she interrupted, yet again, "Did Mrs. Hastings explain exactly what I'm doing here? What therapy I am trained in?" We both shook our heads no and followed her lead as she orchestrated us to sit back together by bringing her hands together in front of us. I exhaled into Emily as we sat side by side again, "I am a therapist who practices psychodynamic therapy. It is a form of talk therapy that focuses on the openness and directness of both the therapist and their patients. Instead of just sitting here, letting you talk, and asking one or two questions, we are in this together. Anything I write down, including my notes, are welcome for your eyes to see. But my hope is that I talk through my observations more than enough that that will not be necessary. This form of therapy is recommended for those with psychological disorders, eating disorders, anxiety… and addiction. So, you are, you both are in the right place. Any questions?"

"Um, yes. I have one." I slightly raised my hand to garner her attention, "We're only here for one more month before we head back to Chicago for our Senior year of college. As helpful as this all sounds, I'm not quite sure if this in-depth therapy is exactly – "

"Ali…" Emily whispered next to me grabbing my hand once again. This time shaky and unsure. "I already told you, I'm not going back to Chicago."

I glared at her, "Sweetheart, you said that while you were high, you didn't know…"

"Yes, I did know. I'm not leaving my mother here alone 11 weeks after the death of my father."

My voice became more stern, "And I'm not leaving my girlfriend with 14 days sobriety alone half-way across the country."

Dr. Ives, leaning in between us, began to interrupt, "Great, our first problem. As much as you both would love to think that the difficulties coming from losing a parent and distancing yourself or struggling from addiction are why you're here, it is the smaller issues that will end up tearing you apart. From the smaller issues, we will be able to fight the bigger ones. Now, Emily, where do you go to school?"

"University of Chicago, Swimming Scholarship, Mock Trial, Business Major."

"And Alison?"

"Loyola, Law."

"Perfect. Thank you." She sat quietly writing against the folder, "Now Emily, you mentioned that you don't want to return to Chicago because of your mother. Is that right?"

"Yeah I, we… all of us," she held my hand once more, steady and strong, "All of us lost my father in the middle of May. I'm their only child. I already left her once while my father was deployed. I can't leave her again now that he's gone."

"Okay, I do understand that Emily, but what is your plan instead? Making this decision with so little sobriety under your belt, it seems as though it may be too quick of an impulse."

"I understand how you may see it that way, Dr. Ives. But my plan is to take care of my mother, to be a support system for her that she hasn't had, especially these past few years while I've been at school."

"And if Alison hadn't brought you here today, you were going to try to do that without any support of your own? Sending your own support system back to Chicago? Are you able to see this disconnect in that Emily?"

She nodded as I placed a kiss on her cheek, whispering to put her at ease, "You're alright. You're doing a great job."

"That's good, Emily. Of course, you're wanting to do all of this to make some good out of this situation, but you also have to do what's good for you. Were you just going to drop out of school?"

"For now, yeah…" Emily replied apprehensively, "Until my mom was back on her feet. Until neither of us was alone and we could do it together."

"Even though school obviously means more to you?" Emily's arm immediately jutted across my chest to block me as my head snapped forward, "Okay, noted. But Alison, why do you want Emily with you in Chicago other than the obvious?"

"Because we're moving in together next month. We're graduating together. We're doing life together. And we can't do that so far away from one another."

"No, Alison, that's still the obvious. Change, especially for someone like you who has had to deal with it time after time, is difficult. But based on your answer earlier, and I quote 'Loyola. Law.' versus Emily's 'University of Chicago, Swimming Scholarship, Mock Trial, Business major', you care about status way more than the woman sitting next to you."

"To be frank, Doctor, you don't know shi-"

"Alison." Emily turned, holding my upper arms on both sides repeating my own words back to me, "You're alright. You're doing a great job. Breathe and listen."

"My job is to be as honest as possible and work through issues together. Emily can see why there's a disconnect behind her choices and actions right now and we will get back to her. But you also need to be able to see why you want her in Chicago despite her belief that she needs to be with her mother so deeply."

"Emily was in front of me literally two weeks ago taking pills that she had picked up off of the fucking floor in front of me so that we could have a basic conversation. She can't be making any permanent decisions right now, something you said yourself just moments ago."

"Once again, both of those sentences started with Emily. I'm asking about you. Why Chicago?"

"Where else am I supposed to go? Here? To Community college? For law school?"

"Status…" Emily whispered beside me before scoffing.

"Now wait, Emily. Peel that back more, Alison. What would your choices in and around Rosewood actually be?"

"Dr. Ives, we cannot actually be entertaining this right now! Emily has a full-ride to U of Chicago for swimming. She overcame injury less than two years ago to still be on the starting team by the end of last season. She is one of the top students in her Business program for her year. She has friends and old roommates to support her through this. I mean, there is no one still here other than her mom and Emily still hasn't even told her she was addicted to pain killers yet. Last time her mom found out a "secret" about her, it was us being together and Emily was literally kicked out of her home for the night."

"Okay…" Dr. Ives mumbled while writing, "Avoiding topic. Diverting attention to –"

"Hold on." Emily held out her hand, "You are not actually writing that right now. Alison's bringing up valid points. It's not her diverting attention. It's her showing me both sides."

"And why is Alison not afforded the same privilege? You know, of being shown both sides of you staying here."

"Because I'm the one changing plans. I'm the one deciding something for me without considering her opinion or evaluating it ahead of time. She doesn't have to put herself immediately into my shoes because she already has my best interest in mind. Sure, you may be right about the status thing. But if you had seen her parents at their worst, you would get it."

Emily turned her body fully toward me before continuing. Both of her hands in mine, clutching them tightly and rubbing her thumbs back in forth in my palm. "Babe, I know that you suggested coming to therapy and I agreed because it is supposed to help us. It will help us, but it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to be here with your ideas and values being seen as incorrect without explanation. We can go, okay? We can find someone else." With that Emily stood up, clutching my hand in hers as she passed me, dragging my body across the office back to the door.

"Conviction. That's your fix, Emily."

Emily's head and body spun back around in front of mine, wrapping her forearm in front of my body as a form of protection, "What are you talking about?"

"I needed to see what it took for you to be the aggressor in your relationship. It's your best chance of fighting your addiction. The answer is conviction. You're welcome; please come sit."

Emily scoffed, "And why would we do that?"

"Yes, my methods are different. This form of therapy is different, but Emily, look at what just happened. An opinion you were steadfastly holding on to, you were able to withhold for the sake of Alison. You were able to put yourself into her shoes. As an addict, that is a big step for you even if you can't see that yourself yet. You have conviction and that will keep you sober, with my help."

I glanced over my shoulder at Emily and shrugged, "I know you're upset, but she does have a point."

"Did you know about this?" she glared at me.

"She didn't know at all Emily…" Dr. Ives replied as we slowly made our way back to the couch, "But Alison, I did mean everything I said. Just as I expect you both to never lie in these meetings, I will never lie to you about what I am seeing."

"I can take it." I said sitting down and patting the seat next to me to prompt Emily to follow my lead, "And honestly, Emily can do what she feels is best for her, but I really do think that she needs to come back to school." I reached over to grab Emily's hand as I continued, "And after we graduate, we can move back here. Be as close to her mom for as long as Emily wants. I am not opposed to her being with her mother, but I am opposed to her throwing away a scholarship. And swimming… something she loves, maybe even more than me." I regretted saying it as soon as it left my mouth, but Emily squeezed my hand letting me know that it was okay. "I would love to be the only thing she needs to get better. I would love for her lying next to me at night to be her saving grace, but that is not who Emily is. She needs fulfillment and focus and…"

"Conviction." She mumbled next to me.

"So Emily, with that conviction, what are you going to do?" Dr. Ives asked directly across from us.

I stared at Emily deeply, not wanting to pressure her, but desperate seeking answers through her eyes.

"I have to talk to my mother."

* * *

**A/N: There you have it! Next chapter will be Emison talking to Mrs. Fields. Get ready :) Thanks for all the feedback and support! See you all (probably tomorrow because Friday is a holiday) soon!  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**-secretpen28**


	16. Nothing Breaks Like A Heart

**A/N: Thank you all for all of the support on this story and all the stories I post. It really speaks to how universal and empowering these characters are. I appreciate you all tremendously for going on this ride with me. It is truly a blessing to have this community be a part of my life.**

**Heads up that this chapter has a different set-up. I believe that you all are intelligent enough to figure it out, but just wanted to give you the forewarning that his chapter isn't strictly present, past, present. :)  
**

* * *

There was something terrifying about walking into Dr. Ives' office alone. I paced outside her door for minutes before I toned down the shaking from my anxiety enough to knock on the door. I adjusted the bottom of my shirt patting down the front of it to look more presentable. Being here without Alison should have given me a little more stability, not having to worry about what I was saying being too much or too little for her. But instead, it had sent me into a spiral of not being enough on my own. At the end of our last appointment, Dr. Ives had mentioned that psychodynamic therapy in this setting would require Alison and me to each have an individual appointment before having a couples session again. This pattern would continue for a few weeks so that she could get an in-depth look at how we worked for the benefit and detriment of each other. To make it convenient, Alison and I had decided to go back to back. I made the courageous decision to go first to further display my commitment to this process despite how terrifying it was.

"One minute and 42 seconds" she stated with finality as she opened the door.

I stood frozen in the doorway puzzled about her commentary. Was she timing how late I was? I'd need to text Alison to sprint up to the office so that she wouldn't be chastised as well.

"That's how long I've watched your shadow through the bottom of my door — pacing, back and forth. I don't have time to wait for you to find the courage. Come in. Let's chat." She smiled, placing her hand on the small of my back to welcome me inside.

What a power move. A subtle way for her to assert authority, but also let me know that my every move was being watched. This bitch didn't miss a damn thing. I didn't know if I should feel fortunate that we found someone who wouldn't take my bullshit, or terrified that she had figured me out after one 60-minute session.

I exhaled as I sat on the couch. I crossed my legs but opened my upper body extending my arms across the back of the sofa. Ready and determined to make it through this session in one piece.

"No response to my criticism? Okay." Dr. Ives was opening another plain manila folder, my name already written in cursive on the top right. Emily Fields.

I looked directly at her as I spoke for the first time today, "I'm sorry for not showing a reaction? I didn't take it as criticism. It was a fact. I'm okay with that."

She nodded as she wrote, "We'll get back to what I wrote. How did speaking to your mom go?"

I laughed in response, already hesitant.

"That well?" she asked, smiling sarcastically, "I know that when you guys were here last, you hadn't decided if Alison was going to go with you to speak to her or not. What did you both decide?"

"She came with me, thank God." I sighed, smiling as I looked back on the memory, "I know that last time and I'm sure in sessions to come you're going to give Alison a hard time about things. Could you hold off on your 'criticisms'? I deserve them. Alison deserves none of it. She's the best person I know, and I can only assume that if we continued these sessions until the end of time, she'd be one of the best people you knew too."

"It's very noble that you want to spare Alison. Gives me quite a bit of insight on your addiction without you probably even recognizing it. But no, I can't hold off for her sake; this is to make you both better, Emily. So how long did you keep your addiction from her?"

"But we never said anything about –"

Dr. Ives held up her hand to interrupt me, "Okay, here's my thought pattern. You mentioned wanting not to have Alison go through as hard of a time in here as you think you will. That indicates to me that you attempt to do the same thing when you are not here, as well. So I assume that you kept your addiction from her to spare her from feeling what you did after the passing of your father. Would that be a correct assumption?"

I didn't know how to respond. I had said five sentences max, and she had inferenced a significant aspect of our relationship. This lady was good.

"Great. I'll write it down." She replied without me saying a word, "So how long was it?"

"Twenty-seven days." I looked down to the ground hoping that I could escape beneath the throw rug covering up the hardwood.

"Perfect. Thank you, Emily. It always gives me good insight when I know how long someone's addiction lasted. And how long have you been sober now?"

"Seventeen days." My eyes moved to look at Dr. Ives' wanting her to sense the pride I had behind my short time sobriety.

"That's great. I'm proud of you. But now that we have a limited amount of time, I would love to hear what happened when you spoke to your mom."

Dr. Ives settled in in front of me setting her folder down on the side table next to her as she leaned back to hear what had occurred entirely. So I cleared my throat and began.

* * *

_Alison and I typically never had dinner with my parents, or I guess my mom, on a Sunday. But I hadn't seen or physically spoken to her in over two weeks, so both Alison and I figured that it was more than allowed to break tradition. My mom had sounded so thrilled over the phone when I called her Sunday morning for her to come to dinner that night. It had made me feel guilty instantaneously for leaving her in the dark over the past month and a half._

_I had decided to cook because usually Alison did the cooking and I wanted to get on my mom's good side. Due to this, Alison opened the door as my mother knocked allowing me to hear the conversation that followed._

_"Oh, Alison! It is so great to see you!" Her delight was palpable even from a room away. It sent a chill up my spine seeing how their relationship had transformed from so many years ago to now._

_"Mrs. Fields, you took the words out of my mouth!" I hadn't yet heard the door close letting me know that they were still hugging in the doorway._

_"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Pam?" she laughed as she finished her question._

_"Pam, right," Alison stated, obviously uncomfortable with the closeness of the change in title. "How have you been, Pam?"_

_I could hear the door close, and Alison's heels clink against the hardwood as they continued speaking, "I'm doing alright. Thank you for asking, my dear. I was getting so worried after not hearing anything for a while, but I figured that Emily was going through it –"_

_Hearing them approaching the opening to the kitchen, I turned around to interrupt them, "Hi, Mom!" I walked toward them looking closely at my mom holding Alison's hand as they entered the kitchen._

_My mom had been shorter than me since 8th grade. But as I continued to get taller, it had made our hugs one of my favorite interactions with her over the years. She fit just below my chin. Even though her role was to protect me, in our hugs, I was the caretaker. Enveloping her between my grasp, I immediately lost my breath. I had missed this connection with the world. I had missed the limitless love that was steps away from me at all times. I had withdrawn into an alternate reality instead of appreciating the kindness and genuine acceptance from my mother. As she squeezed me tightly from our days of being apart, I opened my eyes to look directly at Alison behind me. Her blue eyes filled with tears without a second thought, realizing the importance of this small moment and knowing how likely it was that it could have been lost and thrown away because of an addiction I thought was more necessary than the care of the two women before me._

_As I pulled away from her hug, I wiped a tear from my eye, "What was that for, Emmy?" My mom asked looking up at me concerned._

_I chuckled, "I'm just happy to be here with you tonight. Thank you for coming. Would you like anything to drink? Ali went to the store today and got your favorite wine in case you were interested."_

_"I would love that, and I'm more than willing to share, sweetheart. Thank you!" she replied reaching behind her to squeeze Alison's hand in hers._

_Not wanting to make a big deal of me not drinking, Alison simply moved toward the fridge to grab the wine before filling up a glass for my mom and her before bringing them to the table, as my mom and I continued our conversation._

* * *

"It sounds like you three have a great relationship together." Dr. Ives commented on the story thus far.

"Oh, it took us a long time to get there." I replied at her prompting, "Emily's parents struggled with her sexuality for a long time. Unfortunately, that was taken out on our relationship before we were able to come to common ground."

"Which was?"

"Mine and her parent's love for Emily. We have the same goal. After that, we were a lot better." I smiled while looking out the 4th story window next to me.

I loved telling the story of my relationship with Emily's parents. I had worked hard. They had worked hard. And together, we were able to forge a relationship that was connected by Emily but was linked through so much more.

"How does that make you feel now, Alison?"

"I'm so grateful. I didn't think that it was going to happen for us. Like I really thought that it was just going to be Emily and me distant from any adult figures who once were there for us. That apart from our friends, we would be alone."

"From what Emily told me, it sounds like you worked hard for that to not happen. You were close with her father?" I nodded in reply, not wanting to answer aloud for fear of my voice cracking beneath me. "Can you say it please, Alison?"

She was pushing me farther than I was comfortable with. But this wasn't about comfortability; it was about honesty and growth. I had to trust. I had to let go. "He meant –" I paused, catching my breath, "He meant a lot to me."

"Good, thank you. Alright, so you guys had just opened to door for Emily's mother. Did you all discuss everything over dinner, or wait?"

"Our initial plan was to wait, but I think that Emily may have started to get anxious about the whole ordeal."

"How so?"

Even though I knew that she had heard this story from Emily's perspective less than an hour before, it was evident that she was trying to see how we viewed experiences similarly and differently — keeping the story as accurate to me as possible was essential for our growth.

* * *

_Sitting across from Emily at the table, it was apparent that she was growing more and more uncomfortable as dinner progressed. When we had talked before she arrived, Emily was adamant that she needed to start the conversation or her mother may not grasp the severity of the issue. We had also discussed waiting until near the end of the night so that there was less of a chance of both of us, but especially Emily was reamed by Mrs. Fields. But as the conversation continued, Emily grew more and more anxious before my eyes. Fortunately, Emily had made a traditional, yet spicy Filipino dish which made the sweat beading from her brow appear to be from the spice and not from the utter fear settling within her. Because of this, when Emily finally gathered up the confidence to speak, she ended up interrupting the middle of her mother and I talking._

_" – and because of that, we ended up getting stuck on the ski lift just dangl – "_

_"Mom, we have to talk about why I didn't reach out for a while."_

_"Emily?" I questioned looking at her confused at her timing as her mother turned toward her puzzled._

_"If I don't say it now, I won't do it. Please." She pleaded with her chocolate brown eyes pouring out a desire for empathy. I reached my hand across the table to lace our hands together in support._

_"Emmy, what are you talking about?"_

_To fill the void in the conversation, Emily reached with her other hand to extend an open palm to her mother before starting the conversation, "I don't know how to tell you this, Mom. I honestly never thought that we would be here in my life." She paused looking down at the table, "I want you to know how sorry I am, Mom. I truly feel just so guilty about everything – "_

_Mrs. Fields glared up at me, seeking an answer in my eyes. I closed them gently before turning my head to Emily letting her mom know that this was her news to tell, "Emily, you know that there's nothing you could do to make me love you any less? We can get through anything together. What happened, sweetheart?"_

_I rubbed my thumb on the outside of Emily's hand, guiding her to speak. She took the deepest breath I had ever heard her take, moving her eyes to her mother's before continuing, "Today, I am 15 days sober."_

_"Sober? Emmy, what –" Mrs. Fields looked back at me, eyes wide open with concern. I nodded before allowing Emily to continue._

_"Please, Mommy. Let me finish." Emily turned toward me with tears welling up in her eyes. I leaned over, placing a kiss on the back of her hand, "After Daddy died, I thought I couldn't do it. I was drowning, and I mean, Ali can tell you. I wasn't in a good place; I didn't know how even to start trying to move forward."_

_"Okay? What did you do?" Mrs. Fields' voice was starting to get sharper. She was picking up on the gravity of the situation Emily was describing._

_"And the day after his funeral, I found some medicine I was prescribed for my shoulder."_

_"Emmy..." her voice fell away as she came to face the truth. Emily's face fell to the table causing me to scoot down the bench I was sitting on to lift her face in my hands as I whispered._

_"Keep going, babe. You're doing great; tell her what happened. It's all you can do, lovebug."_

_She nodded in my palms as Mrs. Fields began to gather her emotions before speaking again, "How long?"_

_"From the day after the funeral to two weeks ago. I lied to everyone, even Ali. And I became someone I'm not. I destroyed the trust we had and the trust Alison and I had."_

_Mrs. Fields was even worse than angry. She was silent. Nodding, but silent._

* * *

"That must have hurt, Emily." Dr. Ives spoke, shooting my body back into the present. My feet were now firmly planted on the rug beneath me, as I was leaned forward over myself, trying to tell the story as evenly as possible.

"Yeah. I had only prepared myself for screaming, never silence. I could have taken anger because it would've meant that my mom was there with me. Upset but present. Her silence just meant she was disappointed. Disappointed and withdrawn."

Dr. Ives nodded as she continued writing, "Why do you think she was silent, Emily? Other than your belief that she was disappointed?"

"I think she wished my dad was there to help her. And because he wasn't, she sat silently hoping that he would guide the conversation. She also didn't want to hurt me more. She learned from how I deal with issues at a young age that I was beating myself up more than she ever could."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I've never really been punished in the traditional sense because anytime I did something wrong or dumb, like sneaking out or failing a test, I was harder on myself than my parents ever would be. I'm my own biggest critic, and when I don't live up to the expectations I feel the world has for me – "

"You mean the expectations you have for yourself..." Dr. Ives interjected, "Repeat the sentence."

I cleared my throat starting the sentence over again, "I'm my own biggest critic, and when I don't live up to the expectations I have for myself." I took a deep breath before continuing, feeling the difference in the words I had initially stated versus the ones I was corrected to say. "When I don't live up to the expectations I have for myself, I internalize a lot of guilt and shame which causes me to shut down."

"What about how you initially dealt with your dad's passing didn't live up to your expectations? Why did you beat yourself up so much that it lead you to take those pills, Emily?"

"Whew." I placed my hands over my head to send deeper breaths through my lungs.

"Take your time, Emily. You are open and vulnerable. You're doing a fantastic job."

I nodded, "Alison's mom – " was all I could muster before breaking down again.

"Okay, catch your breath and talk through that. What about Alison's mom? She passed away as well, right? From pill addiction?"

"Yeah... and when Alison lost her, she promised her mom that I would take care of her." I smiled through my tears, "And up until last month, I think I was doing a pretty damn good job at that. I mean, I fucking love that woman. But I lost something when my dad died. I forgot how to be there for her. She was reaching out so desperately for me to tell her how I was doing, but I couldn't. I couldn't get over him passing to take care of her and so I figured that if I blocked out it from happening with the pills, I could be there for her again."

"Having the desire to take care of Alison is a beautiful thing, Emily, but right now it might not be what is important for your future together."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to take care of myself first. Don't worry. Ali gave me that spiel before even coming here, Doc."

"Hmm, okay." Dr. Ives processed my sentence by continuing to write, "Also, I would prefer not being referred to as 'Doc' ever again. Dr. Ives is great, as well as just 'Doctor' or 'Ives.' As a last resort, my first name 'Cassandra' or even 'Cass' would be better than 'Doc.'"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr. Ives. I just lost my bearings and where I was. It was never my intent – "

" – to repeat your own words: yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, too. How about we get back to where we were. The silence."

* * *

_Sitting in front of my mother with her head down yet still clenching my hand, I turned paralyzed in fear toward Alison. I shrugged my shoulders up in attempts to see if she had any ideas for how to continue the conversation. In all reality, I wished that I could completely restart tonight so that I could have prepared myself for this potentiality. We sat in silence for a few minutes longer as we watched her deep breaths become less concentrated._

_She peered up from the table toward Alison pointing her finger as she spoke, "When did you find out?"_

_Alison looked at me skeptically not knowing that the conversation was going to turn to her speaking so early on, "Pam, I found out 16 days ago and from then o-"_

_My mom put her hand up as if to stop Alison from speaking, "So you got caught, Emmy. That's why you stopped. Is that right?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I was at Hanna's house for ten days, then Alison and I spoke for the first time, and then we went to therapy, and now, we're here." I took another deep breath as I finished._

_"I'm the last to know..." she sullenly replied._

_"Mom, I just didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you to have to deal with even more than you already are with dad's death. If it wasn't the right move, then I'll take responsibility for that, but I promise you that detoxing wasn't pretty."_

_"What was it? I mean, what were you taking?" her voice remained monotone simply asking questions without distinct emotion behind her words. It was apparent that she was trying to get through this conversation as quickly as I was._

_"Vicodin."_

_"And it's gone? She has no access to anything?" My mom glanced up at Alison ensuring my safety._

_"Your wine is the only thing in this house with addictive properties. Everything's gone, Pam."_

_My mother nodded in approval still not looking me in the eye, "Okay... Alison?" she questioned causing Alison's head to turn toward her. "Can we go talk outside?" She stood up before looking down at me, "Just Alison and me, Emily. I'm still figuring out what to say to you."_

* * *

"So Emily's mother only wanted to speak to you?" I resituated myself in my seat, uncomfortable about the next part of our conversation while nodding. "And Alison, as you know, I've already spoken to Emily about this. But this is the only part of the story she was not privy to. She summarized as best she could, but any insight you may have on the conversation would be great. I would love to be able to prepare Emily during our next session together how to proceed in conversations with her mom."

"I understand that. I guess I'm still wary about how the conversation went myself. It was just the first time that – " My voice dropped off catching in the back of my throat.

"Did Mrs. Fields typically have conversations with you one-on-one?"

"Never." I paused, "We never spoke without Emily or her father there, except for short stints when Emily was taking a shower or things like that."

Dr. Ives continued to take notes as she crossed her legs before talking, "So what about this time do you think was different? Why would she speak to only you?"

"To be honest, I think that she thought Emily was full of shit. Because she hadn't seen Emily be Emily grieving the entire month that she was using, she didn't understand how this could have happened. I think she thought that Emily was doing great before we sent her worldview crashing around her. She wanted the truth."

"And only you could give that to her?"

I laughed, "No, Emily would have too, but I'm insanely scared of that woman causing me to brutally honest around her by default."

Dr. Ives nodded, "Okay, then. Continue."

* * *

_Mrs. Fields and I made it to the back porch squeezing ourselves around the table and chairs tightly fit into the corner before the patio jutted out onto the back lawn. These kinds of conversations with just me and her never occurred. I believed that our last pre-meditated conversation had been over four years ago when I had stayed the weekend with the Fields' over Spring Break in high school and she had apologized to make my stay more comfortable. Other than that, our only interactions had been forced due to circumstance. We had forged a great relationship, but it was entirely dependent on Mr. Fields or Emily being in the room as well. Knowing how intense Mrs. Fields could be, I decided that it might be best for me to begin the conversation._

_"Pam, I know that you're angry at me. I'm so sorry for not letting you know. I know how hard it was to see my mom when she was going through withdrawals, and I couldn't put you through that."_

_Mrs. Fields reached her hand across the table over to mine, "I'm not angry with you, Alison. I'm confused. This is not like my daughter, and I can't even process what she's saying to me right now. Emily would never do something like this to me, to you, to our family name. I can't speak to her because I can't even believe that it's true."_

_"I understand completely. I think Emily always tries to put her best face on around you. Your daughter's biggest motivation is always protecting the ones she loves, and if I had to guess, she was protecting you from seeing her at her worst."_

_She looked at me wide-eyed, "How bad did it get?"_

_"Well, I'm going to trust that Emily will tell you everything. But in terms of her taking pills, it was pretty bad. Looking back, I should have seen the signs." I sighed pulling my hands through my hair, "It's just that everyone grieves so differently and as you said, it is very uncharacteristic of Emily, so addiction didn't even come to mind when she wasn't sleeping and would wake up with night sweats. Or when she would sleep all day and then immediately rush the restroom when she woke up, apparently to take another pill. No one knew, Pam. Hanna only knew because she had seen the signs before..."_

_I trailed my voice off hoping that Mrs. Fields wouldn't ask any questions about where I had stopped my sentence. For as much as I was appreciative of having this conversation with Emily's mother, I didn't want to reveal any information that Emily hadn't already spoken about herself. This included the fact that she was trying to drop out of school and that she had been addicted to pain killers before her surgery last school year which was the only way Hanna even had an inkling of what could have been going on. Without Hanna, it was impossible to know how long and how bad this addiction could have become._

_"So Hanna found out first?" Mrs. Fields face was drenched with confusion._

_"Yes ma'am and she called me to tell me. I when I confronted Emily –" I took a sharp breath realizing that I hadn't spoken about this interaction with Emily yet, so I hadn't entirely processed it myself._

_She moved her hand from mine to my forearm, gently rubbing the tips of her fingers against my arm in understanding._

_"When I confronted her, she tried to deny it. She was already somewhat detoxing and had to take more pills before she could even have a decent conversation with me. So I kicked her out. I am so sorry for leaving her with Hanna and not staying with her, Mrs. Fields." My shoulders had fallen as I tried to stop my heaving and tears from continuing as well._

_"Alison, I understand. We all have to have some sort of self-preservation. I'm sure that Emily doesn't blame you for that."_

_"Oh, but she does!" I laughed ironically, "It's not a part of how we 'typically deal with things.' I was very much like you at this moment; I couldn't believe it. I was flabbergasted at the woman in front of me. I'm sure it's even harder for you because you didn't see it happen at all, the addiction or the detox."_

_"Exactly... I just don't get how this could have happened because I was grieving too. Maybe I was too selfish to see it? All I know now is that my daughter is an addict. All I see is Point C when I don't even know how we got here from Point A."_

_"You weren't selfish, Mrs. Fields. Emily wouldn't want you to internalize that. She never wants to disappoint us."_

_Mrs. Fields grew silent again as her hand continued to rest on my arm, "Now Alison, I know that we haven't spoken about this before..." she trailed off causing me to look at her concerned, "But everything still the same with you guys?"_

_It was all she needed to say for me to understand what she meant, "Yeah, we're still the same. Now that you say it, it is a little weird that the I've never deeply spoken to you about Emily and me..."_

_Mrs. Fields chuckled not feeling as strange as I did, "I think my husband usually had that covered. And Alison, I know that over the years I may not have been the most openly inviting of your relationship, but I do want that to change if you will have me." She leaned over to barely turn my chin to face her in order ensure that I fully comprehended what she was saying, " I know how important Wayne was to you and I know that it took years to build that relationship, but I am here Alison. He loved you like a daughter, and I intend to do the same."_

_"Thank you..." I was taken aback by her forwardness and inched the edge of my finger closer to my eye so that I could wipe away the tears tucked just inside my lash line. "I hope you know how much I love her."_

_"Oh, of course I do." She exclaimed as if there was no other response she could have._

_I placed my hands on my knees in attempts to stop them from shaking, "Good. That's good. It's just what makes this so hard. I love her so much, and I see her love for me every time I look in her eyes, but with all that has happened..."_

* * *

Dr. Ives broke me out of my fog once again, allowing me to realize that I hadn't continued the story for over a minute when she interjected, "You don't trust her anymore."

"That's not what I said. I said 'with all that has happened, I don't know what I need to do next to help her.'"

"I get that's what you said for her mother's sake, but what did you mean Alison?"

I pulled my lips back in anguish, not wanting to address the reality of the situation. I couldn't speak ill or negatively of my girlfriend. I couldn't make the situation bigger than it was. My eyes were glued to the floor. I had no desire to talk about our relationship in the present. Recalling conversations was great and comfortable. Talking about Emily's addiction, perfect. I knew what had happened; I understood it. But I couldn't understand how the finite feelings I had felt for Emily two and a half weeks ago had become blurrier. I couldn't understand how when she held my hand, I no longer felt secure. I couldn't process how I was still holding onto this despite her apologizing.

"Alison?" Dr. Ives asked again through my fog, "Are you here with me?" I nodded, "Okay. When Emily recapped this conversation to me earlier, it led to a conversation about what her mother asked you. I'm going to ask you the same thing, but this time I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that for me?"

I gulped, "Yeah, sure."

"Is everything still the same with you guys?"

"Yes." I replied simply, grinning from ear to ear.

Dr. Ives crossed her legs letting me know immediately that I was busted. I had done my best over the past five days to be as present as I possibly could. There is no way that Emily suspected anything. She had to have given the same answer, right?

"Alison, I hope I'm not to forward with this and please tell me if I've overstepped with you. But Emily discussed your sex life with me in regards to this question..." her voice trailed looking for a reaction from me.

My face snapped forward, "She did what?"

"Emily talked about how much she loved that your response to her mother was that everything was the same, and she agreed for the most part. She worried about how you were dealing with the past three weeks though, specifically because of your sex life."

I leaned back crossing my arms. She was testing me and wanted to see how I would react. Fortunately for her, I was feeling vulnerable, "What about it? How the last time we had sex was..." I paused to count on my fingers, "20 days ago?"

Dr. Ives nodded across from me, "Specifically in regards to how you haven't wanted to be intimate since you both have discussed everything."

"How would you feel?!" I lashed out, standing from my seated position to pace back in forth in front of the couch I was seated on, "How the fuck would you feel knowing that the last time you made love to your spouse –" I paused pointing to the ring on her hand, "That they were high? That the moments where they were touching your body, tracing your curves and kissing you with so much passion, that they were hiding from you?"

"Alison, I need you to sit."

I sighed before continuing, intentionally not listening to her request as I continued to yell, "I was completely open with her knowing that it was the first time we were discovering each other after her father passed. I shared myself with her. My soul. My love. Fuck, my body with someone who was actively lying to me. She had the nerve to touch me and tell me she loves me and bring me to my knees without consideration that she wasn't actually present. She wasn't there! I'm not sure if she told this little known fact to you, but the day we had her intervention, she made it known that she had taken 5 Vicodin the day before. She hadn't woken up until noon. In 9 fucking hours, she had taken 5 Vicodin. I was not sleeping with my girlfriend no matter what she may have told you. I slept with a stranger who I believed was showing me that she trusted me with her open wounds and healing scars. So yeah Dr. Ives, I haven't fucking slept with her since I kicked her out of my home the day after I bared my soul to her the night before and she apparently was barely lucid."

"Ali –" Dr. Ives, raised her voice a little louder this time.

"No, wait. You answer a question for me, how in the fuck am I supposed to sleep with a woman 17 days sober when it took almost a month after her dad died for her to let me in last time? And she had to be the highest she ever was before she was able to touch me? She had to be stoned to sleep with me?" The realization of the what I was saying began to settle in my chest leading to me sitting back down before placing my head in my hands to continue, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Accept that reality? Accept that loving me and finding me tolerable was only possible halfway toward a lethal dose? I refuse to. I love her endlessly, and I accept her apology. I accept her sobriety. I accept her walk, and I will be there for it. But –"

"Say it, Alison. Be honest with yourself."

I grimaced even thinking the words before I said them aloud, "But how can I trust her again? How can I trust her again when she utterly and completely broke my heart?"

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this chapter two whole day early for the holidays! Hope you have an excellent end of 2020 and see you all Tuesday! :)  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporter SquishyAnon! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive and original content coming in the new year! Find me on Patreon under this same name if interested! Thanks so much for the support.  
**

**\- secretpen28**


	17. Someone You Loved

"But how can I trust her again? How can I trust her again when she utterly and completely broke my heart?" I sunk into the couch cushion behind me at the realization of all that I had just said aloud.

For as much as I forgave her and appreciated her willingness to move forward, it was nearly impossible to for me to move forward from the month she was high. When I looked at my future, I still only saw her. But in the present I found myself flinching when she touched me, pausing before wrapping my hand tightly around hers. Sure, I had thought about all the things I said to Dr. Ives multiple times, the anger inside me boiling higher and higher with each passing day. That's exactly what they were though, thoughts — not anything I should have said to anyone, especially our joint therapist.

It was such an idiotic move. Emily was the only girl I had ever loved. The only person outside of my family that had ever truly cared for me more than she cared for herself. She had made a mistake, and we needed help for it never to happen again. But I shouldn't have brought up anything that could severely affect our relationship. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't lose her.

"Alison. Alison?" Dr. Ives vocalized across from me.

As my thoughts swirled over and over again, I struggled to take a good breath. With every inhale, I gasped from not being able to fill my lungs. The increased breathing sent my heart rate higher until I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. Dr. Ives' hand remained on my knee attempting to calm me down, but I couldn't process how to stop my thoughts from spiraling. If I gave up on Emily, on our relationship, how could I be sure that anyone would ever love me again? Emily had been in other relationships before and after our first relationship. She would easily find love again, whereas, without Emily, I was destined to be alone.

I soon felt myself tilt on the couch as someone sat next to me, their voice echoing in my ears. "Alison, it's time to breathe now. Inhale and hold it. Exhale until the breath is gone. Try it again." Dr. Ives' hands settled on the sides of both my shoulders, and she repeated those words to me until I was physically responding. Her words no longer an echo. My thoughts no longer spiraling.

Once I was able to catch my breath, I began profusely apologizing which was quickly met by an understanding response, "You are okay, Alison. You must have brought up a deep issue for other fears to bubble up into a full-blown panic attack."

"Apparently..." I mumbled still trying to push the prevailing thoughts of inadequacy deep down back inside myself.

Dr. Ives pulled back out her manila folder and began retaking notes as if I hadn't just had a panic attack in front of her, "So, Alison, when you came in here last week, you failed to mention your issues with anxiety."

"It's not actually an issue. I've learned to silence it so that it doesn't bother me anymore. It was terrible after my mom passed, but I have it under control now."

"Hmm... Tell me what that was then."

"A fluke, I guess? I think I just surprised myself with what I was saying." I fought to take back the words I had spoken out loud.

"I understand what you're doing right now, Alison. It's okay to regret your words, but in this office, you need to be willing to honor your anxiety."

I looked up from picking my nails in confusion, "Do what now?"

"It's the phrase I use when it comes to anxiety disorders," she put her hand up before I could speak, "which I'm not diagnosing from one panic attack, don't worry. But should this truly be a bigger issue with you, you have to honor it. I'll use a common example found with a lot of my clients, social events. They tend to make people anxious and can lead to dangerous behaviors before, during, or after a party. So if you were having a high anxiety day and knew you were going to a party later with 50 people, honor that. Don't come to the party when it is in full swing where you'll be around more people. Watch how much you drink. Bring someone who will help you stay as long as you want and leave when you need to leave. Be willing to make decisions that lead you away from what causes you panic. When you learn what it takes to honor your anxiety, those bigger scenarios that come out of nowhere are more manageable."

I sighed across from her, "Okay then, can we talk it out?"

"Of course we can. Now that you have calmed down a little bit, can you re-explain the scenario you got so upset about?"

"Yeah, sure." I looked out the window as I spoke because it still sent a pit into my stomach, "After Emily's dad passed away, she almost immediately wanted to have sex, but I could tell that it was coming from a need to escape instead of an actual desire. So I shut it down a few times from the time her mom called to when we got back to Rosewood. But after the funeral, it seemed like she had processed the fact that he was gone and knew that it wasn't the best thing for us which was fine with me. I respect what's best for her above anything. We'd been here almost a month, and I thought Emily was finally getting her mojo back. She was happy and loving and God, we were back to what I thought was our normal. So one night as we were cuddling, it ended up becoming the first time we had sex since everything happened. And, sorry for my language..."

"...That went out the window 10 minutes ago." Dr. Ives muttered as she continued writing.

I laughed while speaking, "But fuck, if it wasn't great. It was honestly like coming back together as a real couple. Then the next morning, Emily went to get coffee with Hanna, and that's when shit hit the fan. So when Em and I were hashing everything out, I was asking questions about how many pills she typically took a day, and she replied, 'Most days 3, but some days 5' and when she looked at me I knew." I turned my head back down to the ground collecting myself. I could still see her eyes at that moment, filling with tears as she found my eyes across the room that day. They were remorseful like she knew she had made a mistake without saying it out loud.

I bit my lip as I continued, "So it just pissed me off because it really was the first time we had connected in a month and I had missed it. It was just such a highlight since her dad passed away, and I thought we were back. But it was actually the beginning of the end, and it sucked."

"So now, reflecting on it, it causes you anxiety?"

"Of course it does! She only had sex with me when she was high as a kite. It makes me feel worthless like me just loving her isn't enough. Part of me thinks that I can forgive her for taking the pills, but I don't know if I can forgive her for betraying our trust like that. I've only ever been with Emily, so that whole scenario means a lot to me. It makes me think that I'm going to lose her and I don't think I can take being alone." My lip continued to quiver even after I finished my piece. I was breaking again, but this time my anger had turned to sorrow.

"Great. This is excellent insight, Alison. I can see how you feel Emily hurt you that day, and I hope you know that being alone is a common anxiety-inducing fear. The next question though, is how do we honor the fact that this event led to you having your first panic attack in months? Years?"

"Years..." That statement wasnt entirely false. Sure, I had had nearly a dozen panic attack since finding out about Emily's addiction. But before that, years was right.

"So the real question is how do we honor your anxiety and yet address the fact that you are struggling to trust your girlfriend in this situation?"

I put my face in my hands before pulling them down below my eyes to look at Dr. Ives, "I have to talk to Emily, don't I?"

"It seems like your best choice considering how much your relationship appears to mean to you. There are two things we can do then, Alison. If you would like, I can trust you to tackle this at home before our couple's session later this week, or we can cancel that appointment and bring her in right now."

"Umm, I think I can do it. I think she'll take it better coming directly from me. Could I maybe take the recording home though? Just in case." I asked shyly not wanting Dr. Ives to think I was unappreciative of her advice and support.

After our first meeting, Dr. Ives asked both Emily and me if our sessions could be recorded as part of documenting our growth throughout all of our counseling. She stated that it was a common practice within psychodynamic therapy because, with those struggling mainly from addiction or eating disorders, it was beneficial to see how the self-talk and positivity improved over time. At the time, it seemed like the best way to chart Emily's progress before heading back to school. But now, I was profoundly regretting every choice I had made since having that conversation with Mrs. Fields.

* * *

_"I hope you know how much I love her."_

_"Oh of course I do." Mrs. Fields exclaimed as if there was no other response she could have._

_I placed my hands on my knees in attempts to stop them from shaking, "Good. That's good. It's just what makes this so hard. I love her so much, and I see her love for me every time I look in her eyes, but with all that has happened, I don't know what I need to do to help her next."_

_Mrs. Fields put her hand on my back in hopes that knowing someone was by my side would calm me, "There's something you should know about Emmy; she is almost exactly like her father in how she deals with problems. Wayne was dedicated and yet stubborn. Strong but wary. Hopeful and unsure all at the same time. Our Emmy is the same way. She is going to do all that she can to be there for you Alison, and I think we've both seen that over the years. The best way to help her is to let her be there for you, but know that Emily will always put your feelings above her own no matter what she says. She will seek to make sure you are okay before ensuring that she is as well. Help her by being honest, loving, and forthcoming. She will accept almost anything if she knows that you and your love is intact. Reflect her love for you in all that you do, Alison. Realize that her stubbornness, wariness, and uncertainty is what is going to make your relationship stronger because she will constantly be questioning and hoping to become better. Show her dedication. Show her strength. Show her hope. Exemplify her best qualities when her worst is at the forefront, and I promise that you will be helping her more than she will even realize."_

_"How will I know I'm actually helping her then?"_

_"Because Emily seeks connection. When Wayne was at his best, he made me feel secure even when he wasn't. He sought me out through making dinner or barely touching my arm as he walked by. If she is seeking connection, she is healing."_

_I put my head in my right hand as I turned to face her, "So this whole pill thing then?"_

_She sighed, "Well, I don't know. I'm still processing that. But to the best of my understanding, it most likely was Emmy not knowing how to connect anymore. I would assume that she tried desperately to connect somehow, but couldn't figure it out."_

_I nodded in reply knowing that Emily asked for my help first. She had wanted something to help her to get through her day, and even though we had discussed her relying on me, maybe she couldn't connect with me either. It was a terrible reality to face without her next to me._

_"Do you think we've let Emily sweat it out long enough inside?" I chuckled as I reached for Mrs. Fields hand, "Thank you, Pam."_

_Her hand rested on my lower back as we stood to hug, "Anytime, Alison. But I hope you know that if something like this ever happens again, I will accept nothing less than being the first phone call."_

_"Yes ma'am, I understand."_

_"Good." Her only reply as she opened the back door of my house back into my kitchen where Emily was pacing back and forth in the foyer which you had a bird's eye view of from the door. Mrs. Fields demeanor changed in a matter of moments. "Emmy." She sternly stated which sent Emily's head snapping toward us instantly._

_She walked toward us worried as her mom pointed back to the dining room table telling her to sit, still guiding me with her hand on my back to sit down as well._

_As Mrs. Fields took her seat, she began talking before Emily could even attempt to form words, "So Alison gave me a lot of insight, Emmy. And I'm still very upset because these are not actions the woman I raised would have made. Look at me, Emily." She paused waiting for Emily to make eye contact. I could see her gulp as she saw the distress in her mother's eyes, "Your father did not raise you this way, and I certainly did not raise you this way. Alison has already told you that she will not accept this again and neither will I. Do you understand?"_

_Emily closed her eyes tightly allowing tears to spill over. I found her hand under the table to let her know that I was here, "Yeah, Mom. I'm not ready to lose everything."_

_"No, Emmy. We're not ready to lose you."_

_Emily's shoulders collapsed, "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you when you were already so distraught. I didn't want you to have to set your grief aside for my sake."_

_"I don't need you worrying about how I am grieving. I have more support than I could have imagined. You need to focus on your process now. Your sobriety and your relationship. Look at the woman next to you, Emmy."_

_Her head to turned to look at me, following her mother's words, "Look at how she looks at you. Look at what she sees when she looks at you. Look at how she's still here. She is still here, Emily. Focus on her and being the best person you can for Alison. Grieving will come naturally, but you cannot keep sabotaging it. Stay with her."_

_Emily sighed looking back at her mom, "So she told you about school?"_

_I covered my mouth as Mrs. Fields began to laugh in disbelief, "She most certainly did not, but please, enlighten me."_

_The look on Emily's face inwardly screamed 'fuck,' but she also knew that she was in this deep enough that she couldn't turn back, "I was planning on staying here instead of going back to Chicago to make sure you are okay."_

_"Whose brilliant idea was that? Sober Emily's or High Emily's?"_

_"High..." she mumbled still in confusion about how her choices had led her to this conversation._

_"Okay, well Emily. In this household, we do not support the choices you believed were best while you were high. Because that person also believed that taking pills for a month was also okay. I will be fine, but I most certainly will not be if you throw away two great things in your life to try and live out some alternate reality where I need you every moment of the day."_

_"I'll think about it..."_

_"You better think about a lot of things, Emily. Your decisions in the next few weeks are going to be the most important decisions you may ever make. Don't let me down. Don't let Alison down. Don't let your father down. But most importantly, don't let yourself down. You are better than your worst days."_

_The dining room filled with silence as Mrs. Fields' words resonated. She was speaking directly to Emily, but it was palpable that her words were also meant for me. Our decisions these next few days would make or break us, and I needed to keep it together long enough not to screw over our relationship for good._

* * *

The car ride home was silent, but I was unsure if that was because of my nervousness or because Emily could feel that something drastic had occurred during my session with Dr. Ives. After walking through the front door, I walked toward the downstairs bathroom just off of the living area and immediately understood the silence.

My eyes appeared hollow, mascara curling in on the sides of my lower lids from crying that had happened at some point over the past hour. My skin was flushed from my heart racing and sending all my blood to my cheeks. Part of the back half of my ponytail had come undone during my emotional tirade. Emily couldn't just feel that something drastic had occurred. It was more than apparent, and instead of addressing it with her, I had remained silent as she drove us home. I put my hair back up and briefly tried to wipe my mascara away from the corners of my eyes before walking back out into the living room.

As the door creaked open, I heard Emily call from me from my bedroom, "Al, I'm up here!" Her voice made me smile. Whenever she said my name, I could hear the edges of her lips turning upward. I took a deep breath knowing that tonight would be hard for both of us, but even harder for her as she was about to be relatively blindsided, and then I followed her voice.

Stepping into my room, I saw clothes laid out for me on the bed: some of Emily's softest grey shorts with pink drawstring ties, a night camisole, and her high school swimming sweatshirt. She was already trying to solve a problem she didn't know or understand. I had remained silent the entire car ride home, so my beautiful girlfriend had taken action to make me comfortable enough to speak.

I hear the toilet flush from the hallway behind me before Emily walked into my room, "Hey, lovebug." She whispered lightly, wrapping her arms around my waist from behind me and placing her lips on my temple, "I have water boiling downstairs for tea. I figured that we could order some pizza and chat tonight. Am I reading that correctly?"

I instantly felt guilty. This entire conversation was a mistake. I should have never said anything, and yet, here I was moments from breaking her heart. Moments from her realizing that she broke my heart. I nodded against her lips as I pulled her arms to wrap more tightly around me.

Emily's lips found their way to my neck as her hands worked to find the bottom of my top before gently pulling it over my head. She walked around me so that our bodies were now facing each other. Leaning closer and closer to my lips, she whispered 'I love you' and then began kissing me just below my collarbone, one hand resting just under my bra. I tilted my head back in relief knowing how hypocritical I was in this very moment. When she stepped back, I opened my mouth trying to speak before being interrupted with Emily's finger resting on my lips.

"It's okay. We don't have to do anything." She stated kissing my forehead and bringing her arms around my chest to unhook my bra, "Let me take care of you."

As my bra fell the floor, Emily reached behind her to grab the camisole off the bed before pooling the sides into her palms to pull over my head and arms. She kissed me briefly, unbuttoning my shorts between her fingers. She followed my shorts down to the floor, lightly caressing my upper thighs. She helped me out of my heels and folded my shorts between her hands, then setting them back on the bed before grabbing the grey shorts she always left over here as they were her favorite. She delicately pulled them up my legs standing to tie them loosely around my waist.

"I'm going to go and check on the water, okay Alison? Grab the sweatshirt if you'd like and come down when you're ready. I'll place our usual pizza order. Does that sound okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah..." I whispered holding onto her wrist to pull her in for a kiss. We had only kissed a handful of times over the past week, mostly before we went to bed. Emily danced her thumb over my cheek as her right hand held the side of my face delicately. "...Thank you."

Her footsteps hit the stairs in an upbeat fashion sending another pit straight to my stomach. I reached forward to the bed grasping for my phone knowing that Dr. Ives' recording of our conversation was in my email's inbox. I had to do this tonight. I couldn't deal with the stress or guilt of waiting any longer, nor would Emily let me what with all she was doing to put me at ease after seeing me come out of that elevator after therapy.

Once I collected myself and Emily's sweatshirt, I headed back downstairs to find her in the kitchen as she was getting off the phone with the pizza place, "Great! Thanks so much! See you all soon." She smiled grabbing the cup of tea she had steeping for me, "Here, Ali. I made mint for you. Does that work? Let's go sit." She wrapped my hand in hers before leading me back to the living room. I had barely said five words since walking through the front door and felt more loved by Emily than I had in months. Was she only doing this because she knew that somehow what I was struggling with had to do with her, or was she acting purely from the best of intentions?

That question itself gave me more insight into my state of mind than any other could. This one act had riddled my fears so profoundly that I was now questioning the intentions behind the simplest of loving deeds. I was accusing her of saving face instead of seeing the love dripping from her actions and touch. I couldn't let this continue. It had to stop. Tonight.

She positioned us on the couch so that I was curled in her lap with her legs wrapped around mine. Then she waited silently, hoping that if her love for me seeped through her extremities that I would willingly speak my truth. But I had been depleted. I had screamed and cried and panicked, and now, I didn't even know if intelligible speech was possible. But I had to try, no matter if what came out was intelligible or made her cringe.

"Therapy was hard today, and because of everything that happened, I was given a homework assignment."

"Okay." She spoke softly, her fingers leading themselves up and down my arms. "How can I help?"

"Well, I don't know if I should tell you and be as calm as I am now, or if I should play the recording Dr. Ives sent home with me where I'm angry, very angry," I spoke nervously, wondering how Emily would react.

I felt Emily's chin nod against my scalp, "Are you still angry?"

"Yeah, I am. But more than that now, I'm exhausted and drained."

Her left hand found its way to my hair smoothing it out gently, "Then we don't have to talk about it tonight, Ali. We don't go back for a few days. We can enjoy the quiet. There's not much time before we have to head back to school; it might be nice just to relax." She tilted her head to the side until it found the back of the couch.

"So we both are headed back now?" I turned my head behind me to ask.

She nodded while her eyes were still closed, "You heard my mom. She's fine and looked pretty damn close to disowning me. So, I'm in."

I snuggled into her chest knowing that having this conversation was more important than ever following her decision to come back to Chicago with me. I mean, we were moving in together. We were starting life, and I had so much more planned for the two of us that couldn't be squashed by the fear of speaking about one day of our 5-year relationship.

"Today in therapy after talking about the whole conversation with my mom," Emily started before I could find the words, "Dr. Ives and I had a great conversation about how my sobriety and every day I can persevere is a choice. It has to be part of my conscious steadily. I have to wake up every day making a choice not to seek something to mask my pain, and so she had me figure out things that I already choose every day. What have I dedicated myself to in other parts of my life? And how can I apply that discipline to my sobriety?" she laughed to herself, "And even though I choose to do so many things every single day from succeeding with my Business degree to giving my all in practice when she asked me that question, I could only reply with your name. Because more than anything I do with fidelity and discipline, I choose our relationship above everything else. I wake up every day and seek to find ways to make you happy. If I can do that for you, why can't I do the same for myself? I have to love myself with the same discipline with which I love you and –"

"You talked about our sex life." I interrupted her plea, jolting her eyes open behind me.

"What?" she asked placing her palms flat on my forearms, "Al, what are you talking about?"

"In therapy, Em. Wait, sorry. First, I'm so proud of you. You're right; you have to put yourself first in your sobriety. You deserve to love yourself with ferocity and strength and unending –"

"You're distracting me. What were you talking about?"

"As great as all this "putting yourself first" stuff is, that's not all you talked about in therapy today. Our sex life came up."

"Yeah?" she asked questioning how I could be so offended by bringing up something that was concerning her. It made me feel crazy. She must not have any idea. Did she even remember fucking me? Was it a blur along with the month she was high off of her ass? I had to proceed with caution.

"Well because you brought it up in your session as a concern, I was forced to talk about it too." My voice barely raised, but it was enough to set Emily's alert of a future argument into high gear.

Emily began moving underneath me, adjusting ourselves so that we were both facing forward on the couch. She turned her head to the side, "And what's wrong with that?"

Placing my hands on my face, I rubbed my eyes profusely hoping that massaging my face would help process the words swimming inside my head. Dr. Ives had told me what to say. All I had to do was say that. It was easy.

"Em, I guess I'll start by repeating something that Dr. Ives told me to say. It's why it doesn't sound like me, okay? I'm going to be transparent with you, Emily. The conversation you had with Dr. Ives about our sex life led to her asking me if I am holding something back from you internally that then is leading me to not wanting to have sex. Well, once I started talking, I couldn't stop, and I screamed, and I cried. I had a panic attack, something I haven't done in years and because of how severely I reacted, I have to talk to you about it because I don't think you even know."

"Are you okay?" she asked pulling my hand into her lap, "Is that was you came downstairs afterward looking like you had gone through a wind storm?"

I laughed collapsing into her shoulder, "Yeah... and I wasn't told to say this, but I think before we continue you have to know how much I love you. I am angry at you and this entire bullshit of a situation you've put us through, but I love you. For every ounce of discipline you put into your love for me, I do the same. I'm going to play the tape for you, and I sound incredibly angry, okay? And it may scare both of us because I haven't heard it either and it sent me into a downward spiral. But we have to talk about it. If we are going to go anywhere from here, we have to talk about this. Fuck. I don't even know if you know it happened. This may be a lot bu –"

"Alison, just play the fucking tape. Damn." She sighed into her hands, realizing the severity of what was about to pour from the speaker of my phone.

I began fidgeting with my fingers as the echo of my voice spilled out into my living room, _"So then I told Mrs. Fields that I hope she knew how much I love Emily. It made me so happy to know that she knew how apparent that was. But then I struggled a little bit because I wanted to go on and on, but something stopped me."_

 _"Okay... what exactly did you say to her Alison?"_ Dr. Ives' voice entered the conversation.

_"I said, 'That's good. It's just what makes this so hard. I love her so much, and I see her love for me every time I look in her eyes, but with all that has happened..."_

I reached across the couch to hold Emily's hand in mine throughout the almost one minute pause. She pulled her hands from her eyes to look at me sensing the fear I felt wondering what her reaction would be.

 _"You don't trust her anymore."_ I felt Emily loosen her hand in mine ever so lightly.

 _"That's not what I said."_ Emily audibly exhaled next to me, _"I said 'with all that has happened, I don't know what to do next to help her.'"_

Emily raised our hands to place a kiss on mine. Maybe this wouldn't be as terrible as I imagined it to be. Emily was level-headed. We have had arguments before, but she would be able to understand my perspective after going through all of this. She had to understand my perspective.

As I came back to the present, I realized that I had missed a portion of the tape, _"...worried about how you were dealing with the past three weeks though, specifically because of your sex life."_

Emily stayed silent next to me but nodded as Dr. Ives repeated her own words back to me. Hearing it again now, it was cute that she had been concerned. She had most likely only been asking for advice, and I had taken it as a direct threat to our relationship. I squeezed my lips together tightly knowing that the loving and insightful demeanor that I had projected thus far into the conversation was about to melt away rapidly.

 _"What about it? How the last time we had sex was..."_ I scoffed through the recording, _"20 days ago?"_ I sounded confrontational and sarcastic. No, not sarcastic. Resentful.

I turned my head back toward Emily's to see the emotions on her face, but her head was faced away from me seemingly in deep thought.

_"Specifically in regards to how you haven't wanted to be intimate since you both have discussed everything."_

I cringed, knowing what was next, _"How would you feel?! How the fuck would you feel knowing that the last time you made love to your spouse that they were high?"_

It was obvious from the recording that I was now closer to the device. She would know that I was standing. Standing and screaming. About her.

_"That the moments where they were touching your body, tracing your curves and kissing you with so much passion, that they were hiding from you?"_

Emily moved her hand out from under mine and began pushing her tongue against the corner of her mouth as if she was attempting to hold all of her thoughts on the edge of her mouth waiting to spill over.

 _"Alison, I need you to sit."_ Dr. Ives attempted to interrupt as if pleading with me to stop. I had to be honest when Dr. Ives was saying this to me hours earlier; I hadn't heard her at all.

_"I was completely open with her knowing that it was the first time we were discovering each other after her father passed. I shared myself with her. My soul. My love. Fuck, my body with someone who was actively lying to me. She had the nerve to touch me and tell me she loves me and bring me to my knees without consideration that she wasn't actually present. She wasn't there!"_

Fuck. This was bad. Emily turned toward me on the couch placing her back against the arm of the sofa. She now was breathing out lightly with her lips pursed, air only escaping from the middle of her lips. We weren't even to the roughest part yet.

_"I'm not sure if she told this little known fact to you, but the day we had her intervention, she made it known that she had taken 5 Vicodin the day before. She hadn't woken up until noon. In 9 fucking hours, she had taken 5 Vicodin. I was not sleeping with my girlfriend no matter what she may have told you. I slept with a stranger who I believed was showing me that she trusted me with her open wounds and healing scars!"_

She laced her fingers together in front of her before turning the back of her hands toward her face and pressing them against her lips. I had called her a stranger, and Emily was internally screaming next to me waiting for the audio to end.

 _"Ali-"_ Dr. Ives tried to stop me from speaking again. Her voice was louder now which is why I had heard it this time around. But Emily knew me when I was angry, when I was truly, actually, thoroughly angry. So she knew it didn't stop with Dr. Ives' meager attempt at an interruption.

_"No, wait. You answer a question for me, how in the fuck am I supposed to sleep with a woman 17 days sober when it took almost a month after her dad died for her to let me in last time? And she had to be the highest she ever was before she was able to touch me? She had to be stoned to sleep with me?"_

You could hear the venom in my voice. The anger was seething from my words trying to get across my disgust and contempt. Even as you could listen to me sit back down on the sofa, you could feel the pain behind my words that was even more clear than the anger. My words may have been laced with rage, but they were dripping with pain. Emily must have sensed this because I felt her hand on my shoulder, reaching out for me. I brought my left hand diagonally across my chest to link our hands together but remained facing forward on the couch.

_"What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Accept that reality? Accept that loving me and finding me tolerable was only possible halfway toward a lethal dose? I refuse to."_

I visibly winced at my own choice of words. I had to stick the knife in that much deeper. I didn't disagree with my words. I mean, I had said them, so to some extent they had to be my true feelings.

_"I love her endlessly, and I accept her apology. I accept her sobriety. I accept her walk, and I will be there for it."_

For the first time in agonizing minutes, I had sounded hopeful again. And I was. Emily leaned forward, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on the back of my shoulder. I whispered, 'I'm sorry.' under my breath as the last 20 words played behind us.

_"But how can I trust her again? How can I trust her again when she utterly and completely broke my heart?"_

Emily grunted next to me, those words hitting her harder maybe than anything else on that tape. I squeezed my eyes closed while closing the email app on my phone to get the recording to stop.

"Alison, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?" she reached across my body, pulling on my knee to try and turn me around to face her.

"How could I?" I pleaded, "This isn't a simple issue to get over."

"Well of course not, but the last time we tried to solve an issue between us with silence, it went to shit. We owe this relationship more than that..." her words drifted off, reflecting on everything she had just heard.

"So... what'd you think?"

She laughed at attempting to try to put a 10 minutes conversation into less than ten sentences, "Well, I get why you're mad. It makes a lot of sense actually and uh, even though they are your feelings, I do disagree with some of what you said." I started to pull away from her, "But no, you were right. I don't really remember that night. I remember it in doses, but no, not the whole thing. I had taken 5 Vicodin that day; you read that right. So yeah, I was pretty incoherent."

I sighed, pulling my hands back into my lap before Emily started talking again, "But babe, I wasn't hiding from you, I swear. It isn't right, and it isn't fair, but on those pills, I felt more open and vulnerable than I had in weeks. I wasn't hiding from you. I was trying to let you in, which is so counterintuitive because I was doing the opposite. Damn." Emily paused running her fingers through her hair. "I just want you to know that I wasn't malicious in what I did. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to find some sense of belonging because I felt so fucking empty inside. I wasn't trying to break your heart, Alison. I would never try to break your heart."

She looked down in her lap picking at her fingers similarly to how I picked mine. She needed me to say something, but I struggled to find the words. As I sat there trying to figure out where to go to next, because Dr. Ives hadn't given me any advice for what I was supposed to do after the tape, I heard her mutter something.

"What was that, Em?"

She spoke a little louder, "And now you don't trust me..."

"Emily..." I reached for her face wanting to make eye contact so she could see that it would be alright.

"No, Ali. I ruined everything. You have every right not to trust me. I lied over and over again. And that night you consented to something that you didn't even know you were getting into. I treated you like an object that would fix me instead of just trusting you. You only don't trust me now because I didn't trust you with everything first. It's my fault, Alison."

I made my voice stern so that she would look up at me, "Emily. The point of you hearing this was not so you could throw a pity party about the past. I'm so appreciative that you are remorseful, but that's not the point. This whole scenario makes me incredibly anxious now because I'm worried about how I'm going to get to the point where I trust you again. It's probably going to take a while, and yeah, it'll be hard. But Em, dwelling on the past and this one moment in time isn't going to fix shit, Emily. We have to do better, okay?"

As I finished talking, I could see a look of confusion spreading across her face, "So what was your homework assignment? Play the tape for me, and then what?"

"Well, we're going to discuss everything in a few days with Dr. Ives. I think it was for me to play the tape, you to process it, and then us figure out if we're still in this. If you're still willing to love me despite not fully trusting you, and if I'm willing to do the same."

Emily propped her head on hands with her elbow resting on her knees, "That's not something I need to figure out. You know I'm in this if you are."

"Really? Even with everything I just said about you?"

She nodded, "You just said it. We have to move forward, and now I get that you not wanting to be intimate has more to do with me and my problems... I mean addiction than it has to do with you. So yeah, if you're willing to wait around and see if I can build your trust in me again, then I'm in it."

"Even if it takes a while?" I opened my palm on my lap.

"Yeah, Al."

"Even if our relationship is different until then?" I reached my hand out to touch her leg, rubbing my thumb back and forth on her calf.

"Of course, I'm with you."

"Okay..." I sighed closing my hand on her leg to let her know I was still in this too.

"Let's go slowly then. I guess if we're going to build trust again, we have to start somewhere."

Before I could fully process the conversation we had just had, I found myself leaning in to kiss her. Emily's fingers delicately fell on my jaw. Her lips subtlety hovered over mine waiting for me to reciprocate. She barely inched forward tracing her upper lip lightly back and forth across my lower lip until I closed the gap. She immediately sighed into my touch, opening her mouth to capture my kiss fully. My hands stayed in our laps not knowing how to react. Though she brought both her hands up to hold my face in her palms and kissed me with more passion than had passed between us in weeks, a sickening feeling hit my stomach.

Even though Emily's touch exuded her desire and her brief yet tantalizing kisses emanated her yearning for me, I could feel the difference. Despite her effort to make the past the past, underneath Emily's grasp I could feel her hesitation. I could sense that she was unsettled. For as much as Emily wanted to move past the fact that I was struggling to trust her, this kiss only proved to me that there was a part of Emily struggling to trust me again too.

* * *

**A/N:** **Sorry this is a day late! I've had family in town which makes it tricky. Also, a heads up that there are 4 chapters left, I believe. So start buckling in for the end.  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive and original content coming in the new year! Find me over there under this same name. **

**Always grateful for all the love you send my way. I am so, so appreciative. Until next time.**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	18. Mad Love

**A/N: This chapter comes with a very strong trigger warning regarding drug abuse and overdose. Please skip the flashback if that may be triggering for your mental health.**

**Also just a heads up that this flashback goes to the summer before the girls' Freshman year of high school, before Emily and Alison dated the first time around. I think I make that clear, but just in case.**

* * *

I could feel myself wavering beneath her lips. For as much as I wanted to take her on this couch without a second thought. For as much as the love I have for her pulsed through my veins more than maybe even oxygen itself. For as much as I could feel her timidity breaking the longer my hands rested on her body. I couldn't shake the feeling that our hardships were far from over.

I had told Alison four different ways that I wasn't dropping this relationship out of fear that I had lost her trust forever. She knows me and knows that I will do anything and everything to be by her side. But she hadn't done the same. I repeated myself multiple times and yet she mimicked my dedication with a brief squeeze of my calf. It didn't feel right, as though she still needed to rationalize her fears with some outside source before she would be able to claim that I was fully pardoned.

Conviction.

The one tool Dr. Ives stated in the therapy was my best chance at fighting. Conviction was the one source of fire that turned me from being submissive to Alison to instead being an aggressor. It was the drive I had four years ago when I pursued Alison all over again. It was a power that I had lost in the death of my father. Conviction and the fight that beyond everything else, I believed in this relationship. I believed in my abilities to be the best possible woman in the world for Alison. It was my responsibility to protect this relationship with all that I had.

As my brain caught up with my body, I found myself back mid-embrace with Alison. Her hands, once floating in limbo between our laps, had moved to my upper thighs, both pinning me down and also massaging my skin in her grasp. My left hand still cupped Alison's face radiating desire while my right had settled just between Alison's collarbone and breasts eagerly grasping for her skin while our lips moved in tandem. Stopping the kiss to move up and down Alison's jawline, Alison began tracing her hands down my legs in attempts to separate them from their crisscrossed position so she could settle herself on top of me on the couch.

Her lips had gained fervor as though the realization of my sobriety had only increased her urgency to feel my touch on her skin. As soon as Alison was able to lie flat on top of my body, she brought her hands up underneath my shirt settling them on my abs, still taut from years in the water. My hand on her face moved to gather her hair in my hand providing better contact with her neck while my other hand wrapped around her waist to secure her on top of me. Lifting my head off the couch to reach her pulse point, Alison turned her head further to the right causing her to gasp as my lips made contact.

"Fuck…" she exhaled panting as she took in another shallow breath.

The wheels in my head began spinning again. At face value, this is what Alison wanted. She wanted the ability for us to be intimate without second-guessing. She wanted to know that I was vulnerable and honest and loving because there was no place else in the world I would rather be.

But below the surface, this isn't what Alison wanted at all. She had just claimed that she didn't trust me, that she needed time, that our relationship would be different. Her heart and her head were seeking different things. As much as I would have loved to continue: hear her cry out my name, feel her fingers trace over my body like igniting a flame, and see her eyes roll back in ecstasy, I wanted her to feel like her words were respected more.

So I froze.

"Alison?" I mumbled against her neck, feeling her face fall toward my shoulder in frustration, "You know we can't keep going tonight. Not after all of this."

She sighed pushing off of my body with her hand on the back of the couch. Walking to the bathroom, Alison closed the door forcefully behind her. I sat up from the sofa exasperated. How could she be pissed at me? She didn't want us having sex until she trusted me again, right? I had just said we were going to go slowly. I would be a total ass if I ignored that seconds after stating it. Running my hands through my hair, I fought everything within me that told me to knock on that bathroom door and ignore my previous plea to stop.

I kept my head in my hands until Alison walked out of the bathroom a couple of minutes later. She adjusted her hair to fall over one shoulder as she sauntered back toward me. Tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear, she leaned down to kiss me on my forehead, "You were right. I'm sorry." Her right hand trailed down my arm until our hands connected. She led my hand up to her waist, my indication that she was asking me to stand.

Stepping back, she joined her hands around my neck as I rose from the couch speaking, "I hope you know that was one of the hardest things I've ever done, except for not kissing you right now."

She blushed, resting her cheek against mine as we stood swaying in the living room, "Thank you. I love you."

I kissed her on the cheek before spinning her around to face the stairs, "I love you, too. Let me clean up dinner, and I'll meet you upstairs, okay?"

Alison squeezed our interlocked hands together to respond before climbing the stairs. As she reached her bedroom, she turned around barely smiling as we made eye contact. After putting the pizza up in the kitchen, I put our dishes in the dishwasher and turned out all the lights before walking upstairs.

Alison's back faced the door leaving the usually coveted left side of the bed open for me. It was a small gesture that brought a smile to my face immediately. The exhaustion from the day had taken its toll, leaving Alison passed out next to me as I climbed into bed. I mimicked her body positioning across from her so that we were facing each other. Alison had left one hand outstretched because we typically held hands as we slept. I brought our hands to my lips to kiss them lightly before falling asleep at ease with our relationship despite the turmoil. All was right with the world.

Waking up the next morning, my last thought before falling asleep felt like a farfetched desire because Alison was nowhere to be found. For a moment, I wondered if I actually hadn't gotten sober because in what world would Alison ever leave her less than three weeks sober girlfriend in her home alone? But after pinching myself profusely and calling over the balcony railing for her, I was at a loss of words. I combed through the expansive backyard, checked the office, and even peered through the doors of the Master Bedroom, which had been off-limits for everyone since Jessica's passing. I was surprised to find how much the room still smelled of her perfume as air wafted through the doors: mint and carnation. I quickly closed the door hoping to seal the scent inside the room as long as it could be contained.

Still confused, I walked back toward the living room where from this new angle, I noticed a note on the front door.

**_Went out for the morning. I'll bring us back something for a late lunch. :) I love you._ **

**_More and more,_ **

**_Ali_ **

A note that should have put me at ease sent me into a panic because as of yesterday, she had no plans that I knew of. Went out? Late lunch? It was 8:30 in the morning and she expected me to sit and wait for at least four hours the day after she claimed not to trust me?

I sighed too loudly for an empty house as I walked into the kitchen to make breakfast hoping to take some time off of this painful wait. Just as I was plating my eggs and sausage though, I heard a knock at the door. Being louder than Alison's, I immediately thought the worst. I trembled walking toward the door until I opened it to see a familiar face on the other side.

"Jase! Thank God it's you. Come in!" I gladly left the door ajar letting Alison's brother come in.

"Hey sis," he replied casually before giving me an extended embrace. Though Jason was not Alison's lone surviving family member, he was the only person that Alison kept in contact with. As the years had passed, Jason and I had formed a familial bond considering that I had no siblings myself and Jason longed for the day he could fully distance himself from his father. "I'm happy you're doing well." He held me at arm's length giving me a light shake before wrapping me up in another hug, "I was really worried about you, Em."

I chuckled, turning back in toward the kitchen to grab my food, "Well, you've got nothing to worry about now. I didn't know that Alison was sending you over to babysit me; otherwise, I would've made you breakfast. Would you care for any?"

He shrugged as I passed him a fork, placing a bite of egg in his mouth before continuing to speak, "Thanks. I'll make the coffee. So, tell me about how it's really going. Addict to addict."

Alison knew addiction well. From her mother's pain pills to her father's partiality to whiskey. Jason had never gotten as bad as his father. But our Freshman year of college, Jason reached out to let Ali know that he had just finished up a two-week rehab. Not because something traumatic had occurred or because he had formed a real dependency, but because he had seen that he was repeating his father's missteps and had been afraid of where he was heading. Alison and I both flew in last fall for his 1-year sobriety ceremony. To Jason, it wasn't a huge deal, but for Alison it meant everything.

Jason rummaged through the pantry looking for his favorite brand of coffee as I responded, "I think pretty well. As long as I keep my mind on other things, it's been okay. I haven't ventured out at all to test myself, but I have started therapy."

He stepped out from the pantry with coffee and an inevitably stale box of Lucky Charms as he replied, "Therapy is a great start, Emily. I'll give you heads up though; don't try and test yourself too soon. I'd hate for you to land in a sticky situation just because you're trying to appease my sister."

Reaching across the island, he grabbed hold of my shoulder, "I'm seriously proud of you, Emily. Grief makes you do some pretty shitty things, but this whole thing could have been a lot worse. You've gone through this as humbly as anyone I've seen. You're going to be one of the success stories, sis. I can feel it."

His words lifted a weight off of my shoulder. He spoke to me from a place of understanding, not of judgment or fear. He gave me a renewed sense of hope.

I closed my eyes in appreciation as Jason continued, his words sending me back down the rabbit hole, "So where's Al at today?"

"What do you mean, Jason? She sent you over here this morning, right?"

He ran one hand through his hair, "No, she sure did not. You woke up, and she wasn't here?"

I picked up the note she had left to pass to him, "She just left this on the front door. You showed up like 15 minutes after I woke up, so I figured she had sent you over here to make sure I was okay."

"First time for everything I guess…" Jason mumbled as he began pouring out his recently made coffee.

None of this made sense to me. Jason appeared reassured, but my mind was still spinning with more questions. "Jason, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Typically we tackle today together, but I guess Alison decided to go alone this year?" He shrugged, "I'll meet up with her later; it's no big deal."

I was even more confused than I had been seconds before. Today was not the anniversary of anything I was aware of. Her mother died in April, funeral in May, birthday in June, but that was weeks ago. We had celebrated. June 28th was not a crucial date. At least, I hadn't thought it was until Jason DiLaurentis came busting through the front door 10 minutes ago.

"I need you to take a step back and tell me what in the hell today is." I asserted, walking around the island toward him.

Jason spun around puzzled, "Hmm… I mean, I guess maybe Alison's made it so you weren't ever around. Damn. That sucks for me." He appeared to be rationalizing a conversation in his head, and he quickly walked away from me and toward the living room. "Let's come have a heart to heart, okay?"

Shoveling the remainder of my eggs in my mouth so that I could leave the plate in the kitchen, I hustled to sit on the couch next to Jason's chair, "There's no need to sugar coat it, Jason. Please just tell me what's going on."

"Trust me, Em. There's no way to sugar coat this one." He exhaled before reaching over to grab my hand though I couldn't tell if it was for his stability or to settle me in for the hell of a story I was about to hear.

* * *

_I woke up that morning at Spencer's already with a sickening feeling in my stomach. I couldn't place if it from the tequila shots the night before, or the realization that my father had left our house days before with no idea if he was coming back or not. Jason had followed him to Philadelphia trying to get him to choose his family over whatever was leading him away, which left me with my mother who had essentially collapsed under the weight of being alone._

_My own selfishness' only desire was that my family would be reunited by the time high school started so that I didn't have to add one more point of drama to my family tree going into one of the hardest years of school for most people. High school was supposed to be a time where the rest of your life started coming together, not a time where everything tried to fall apart._

_I could smell bacon cooking from downstairs, so I sauntered to the bottom floor of Spencer's loft only to be met with Emily's eyes greeting me. Hanna called to me from the couch, but a sparkle in Emily's eyes hit mine. There was something about her beauty that consistently surprised me. Maybe there was more to it than that, but for the time being, I knew that no one looked at me the way Emily did and that it never failed to make me smile._

_"There's the old Sleeping Beauty almost sleeping 'til noon!" Hanna exclaimed, causing me to shut my eyes tightly rubbing the side of my temples to get the echoing to stop, "Told you she drank too much, Spence. Pay up!"_

_"It's probably from hearing your shrieks in her ear, Han. Why does everything have to be a bet with you guys?" Emily interrupted as she walked over to hand me a cup of coffee, "Morning, Ali." I was sure that I was not the only person in the room to realize that Emily's focus had drifted from that of the group solely to me._

_"Speaking of bets…" Hanna mumbled before Aria elbowed her in the gut._

_"Spencer, how's breakfast going? Almost done?" Aria spoke up from the other side of the couch, looking over the back to motion for her to speed it up._

_"On the last piece of bacon. Damn, you all are so impatient!" She sighed attempting to make breakfast a perfectionist's paradise._

_We all sat around the table in the nook of the loft to eat. Laughing, chatting, and gossiping about Freshman year which was 8 and ½ weeks away. Though school had barely been out, we were already planning our high school takeover. We said our goodbyes casually while making plans to hang out in a few days before I loaded up my night bag and walked the 200 feet from Spencer's back door to mine._

_When I attempt to recall everything that happened next, it flashes through my mind in slow motion. But at the time, it felt like everything was very quickly spinning out of my control. Since my dad left, my mom had been spending more and more time out of the house most likely due to the memories of their once dear love that filled the house's bones. So I hadn't expected anyone to be home. Reaching the back porch, I pulled out my keys to put in the bottom lock but found the door to be open. My first sign that something was amiss._

_Had my mom simply left it ajar as she was leaving for the morning? I announced my presence stepping through the back door into the kitchen hoping that maybe Jason or my dad would surprise me with a reply despite supposedly being in Philadelphia. When no one returned my call, I pulled out my phone ready to dial 911 as I turned the corner by the front door to face the living room._

_And there she was. Seated, eyes open, facing forward, but with a look on her face that was unrecognizable._

_"Mom?" I screamed, running toward her and falling on my knees to be at eye level._

_She attempted to turn her head in my direction, but all of her responses were delayed. Her face carried no emotion as her hallowed eyes attempted to meet mine. I reached out my hands grabbing her on both sides just above her elbows shaking her while calling out her name again._

_Even the shaking motion reverberating through her body appeared to be labored as her head moved back and forth like a sluggish bobblehead doll._

_As her mind caught up with her body though, she opened her mouth to speak, "Alison –" which sounded more like a foreign language than anything resembling my name._

_"Mom, what did you accidentally take? I need you to look at me! How did this happen?" I began urgently looking around her for any clues on what could potentially be causing this. She was wearing work out gear and still had a small glow of sweat from the gym. "Are you dehydrated, mom? Do you need water? Here, I'll be right back."_

_I ran to the kitchen trying to help my mother as best I could. While racing back in to give her something to drink, I called my brother._

_"What's up, brat?" he answered the phone lovingly despite the aggressive term of endearment used._

_I interrupted him before he could finish his full sentence, "Jase, I just got home from Spencer's, and mom's here on the couch lifeless?" I didn't know a better way to describe it. "She can't talk, Jason! I think maybe she's dehydrated from going to work out this morning. She can't make eye contact and looks like she's in a stupor."_

_"Ali, wait, slow down. Let me put you on speaker so you can talk to Dad."_

_I repeated the same sentences back to my Dad who immediately began lecturing me on my next steps. "Okay, Alison, are you with me? Is she breathing?"_

_"Yeah, Dad. I'm here; I just don't know what to do. She's breathing, and her eyes are open and everything, but she can't do anything else."_

_"That's fine. It's good that you called us. Have you called anyone else?"_

_"No, should I? I thought maybe you knew about something she was taking and could help me."_

_"Good." My dad replied, sounding slightly relieved through the phone, "Alison, I need you to try and get her to the main floor's bathroom. She's taken some pills that are making her sick, and she needs to throw them up."_

_"What? What are you talking about Dad?" I questioned, raising my voice and not understanding what exactly was happening._

_I could hear my dad getting irritated, "I can answer questions later for you, Al. But right now, I need you to put down the phone and get your mother to the restroom. Jason and I will stay on hold until she's there, okay?"_

_I put the phone in my pocket before looking up at my mom whose head had begun drooping toward her chest. "Mommy? I'm going to need your help. We have to get you to the restroom. Can you put your arm around me?"_

_She attempted to raise her arm only lifting it a few inches before allowing it to fall back in her lap. I sighed sitting next to her on the couch, wrapping my right arm around her waist and grabbing her left arm with mine to drape it over my shoulder._

_"We have to walk now, okay?" I pleaded as I began standing. She made several attempts before planting her feet firmly enough that I could gain momentum walking to the restroom door that was 20 feet away._

_The entirety of her weight was falling on me while the right side of her body attempted to keep up with my pace. She kept mumbling incoherently which made me even more concerned about her condition. As we haphazardly made our way to the restroom, I could hear Jason and my dad arguing through my phone even though it was in my pocket. They were going back and forth, with Jason pleading for him to call emergency services and my dad getting louder and louder._

_Once we made our way through the door, I was able to step over into the tub allowing my mom to collapse safely into me on her way down in front of the toilet. I picked up my phone, breathing heavily and having to hold it inches away from my face to not be bombarded with my father's screaming._

_"Dad? Dad! She's in here. I got her in here. What's next?" I cried out._

_"So, she isn't functional right now, Alison? Is that what you're telling me?"_

_I looked down at her from my standing position, slumped forward in front of a toilet only holding herself up because her face wasn't falling between the toilet and edge of the bathtub. She appeared lifeless and broken, and in her childlike state, I couldn't help but cry._

_"No, Daddy. I barely even was able to lift her to get her here. She can't do anything."_

_I could hear Jason in the background firmly stating that I needed to call an ambulance repeatedly, "Shut up for just one fucking second, Jason! God damn it, you both are acting like I haven't already been dealing with this shit! I ask you to take care of your fucking sister for one weekend so that I can get away and you follow me? Look at where the fuck that got you, Jason? Your 15-year-old sister has to take care of your ragdoll of a mother! Sit your ass down on the bed and let me fucking handle this like an adult! Do you understand me?"_

_"Alison?" He turned back his focus to me still screaming._

_"What, Dad?" I asked, tears cascading down my face._

_His voice dropped matching my emotion, "Sweetie, I know that this whole thing is difficult, okay? And I promise I'll make it up to you, but you're going to have to force your mother to vomit."_

_"How do I –"_

_"You're going to have to hold up her head and stick your finger down her throat until you trigger her gag reflex."_

_"I'm what?" I questioned, my voice raising._

_"I know, I know. Just do what I'm asking you to Alison."_

_I set the phone down with my father and brother still on the line on the side of the tub as I crouched down cradling my mother in my arms. Holding her head back with one hand, I attempted to make her throw up which in her state, took longer than I could have imagined. Once she began coughing though, her instincts took over, and she started vomiting on her own._

_My father reassured me to stay with her throughout the afternoon getting her water and keeping her awake until she was lucid again. He promised that both he and my brother would pack up their things and be back that afternoon and prompted me again not to call or tell anyone else. My mother and I stayed glued to the tile floor and porcelain seat of the restroom for the next hour and a half until the rest of my family rushed through the door and ushered me away from my mom._

_Nothing was okay with our family dynamic after that day. My brother took me out to dinner that night and when we came back home, both my mom and dad were in their bedroom with the door locked. The next morning, my mom acted as though nothing had even happened and with my dad's reaction on the phone with my brother, I didn't dare bring it up again. For the next few months, I treated the entire scenario as a fluke and some days even convinced myself that it had never occurred._

_It wasn't until she died almost nine months later that I fully allowed myself to realize the severity of my actions. My entire family was complicit in her addiction; we were all culpable, and my father drug both Jason and me into it. We could have had her seek help months before she did. All because my dad wanted to protect our precious reputation as DiLaurentis'. Because God forbid someone see an ambulance in front of our house and help? Instead of forcing a child to take care of their parent at an age they should still be taking care of you. Roles that were never meant to be reversed so young. Places that should never have been taken in the presence of addiction._

* * *

"And I remember Jason and me talking a few years after your death about that phone call and how he could hear me plead with you the entire time they were on their way home from Philly. He could hear my innocence and naivete dissipate through the speaker as I wondered aloud what was happening. Repeating incessantly to please be okay and how much stronger you were going to be because of this mishap. Questioning if you could even hear me to know that I was by your side. How ignorant is it that I thought somehow it still could have been an accident?"

"You know, every other time of year that I come to visit, I am solemn and grieving and struggling. So today, out of any day, I deserve to be angry. You were supposed to get better, Mom. You were supposed to be here still and be a living and breathing example of how to overcome addiction. You were supposed to a role model for Emily during this time so that she didn't feel like she was going through it alone. And I know this isn't right, but I blame you." I scoffed, "I blame you for me not trusting her anymore. Because all you proved to me was how to fail. I can't trust her because the only true example I have for overcoming this opioid addiction bullshit could never get her feet back on the ground! You were supposed to be okay, and you were supposed to still be alive, Mom."

I paused resting my hands on the cold granite in front of me, tears continuing to fall down my face as I spoke.

"I should have never become an adult at 15. I deserved more of a childhood. One where I didn't have to worry about my family falling apart or if I was going to have to stick my hand down my mother's throat again! God, I have to take care of everyone around me. I only know how to take care of everyone around me. The years I was supposed to be learning about taking care of myself first were lost to you. Actually, that's not true. You were supposed to teach me how to take care of myself which is laughable at best. All you taught me was how to destroy myself from the inside out."

"And that's why I'm so distraught, Mom. Because I only learned how to take care of myself because of how wonderfully Emily has taken care of me. All of the members of my family who were supposed to show me my fucking worth and how to be strong let me down. I've only ever had Emily. So if I were to let her go, where the fuck would I be, Mom? Alone again? Back sitting against that wall in the bathroom where my childhood stopped?"

"She knows that I'm struggling to trust her and that kills me because I want more than anything never to question her intentions. But after that day, I chose to trust you when you said nothing like that would ever happen again. And you lied to me! Two months later, Jason and I found you incoherent. No one should ever have to see their Mom in that state, and no one should ever have to see their Mom die. How can I trust Emily when the only other woman I know who has been in this place broke my trust over and over again? It's so fucked up, Mom."

I sat crying for a few minutes before collecting myself again to wrap up my grieving.

"And now, I'm here on the anniversary of that day. Without Jason. Without Emily. And hell, Emily doesn't even know what today is. She's probably at home thinking that she did something wrong after playing that God-awful tape last night. I'm going to get home, and she's going to be mad and today is going to be worse because she's going to hate me for not –"

"Al, you know that couldn't be further from the truth…" I heard a whisper interrupt behind me. As I turned my body around from its kneeling position, I saw Emily still in her pajamas with Jason above 30 feet behind her.

"Em –" My shoulders collapsed forward as my tears came back with full force. Moments later, Emily was sitting on the grass beside me, wrapping me in her arms. She peppered my head with delicate kisses, and her hand moved up and down my arm to soothe me. "How much of that did you hear?" I asked with my head tucked into the crook of her arm.

"It doesn't matter, Ali. Jason told me the story; he came looking for you today. We love you so, so much."

"Does he hate me for coming here without him?"

"Baby, no one could ever hate you for doing what you need to heal. I'm so sorry you've been carrying this memory alone for so long." I nodded into her arm continuing to cry, "You don't have to anymore, okay? I'm right here; I will always be right here."

It wasn't that at that moment I immediately trusted Emily again. Nothing melted away, and nothing was erased. But I saw someone different than my mother in front of me. Emily could have heard that tape and woken up this morning as if nothing had happened. She could have heard Jason tell her about finding my mother and not have immediately put herself into my shoes. She could have continued letting me grieve alone.

But instead, she showed up. She ran out of the front door still dressed in PJ's and knew she needed to be here next to me. To help carry my burden. To help heal my grief. To instill in me that I would never feel alone again. Emily wasn't my mother, and I had to stop portraying Emily in my mind like she was.

It wasn't that at that moment I immediately trusted Emily again. But I did know the very least that I could trust Emily with was a second chance.

* * *

**A/N: This was one hell of a chapter for me to write, but it was a story that needed to be told especially for where the story is going. Two chapters to go!  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive content already posted, and a brand new story being posted this week! Find me over there under this same name!   
**

**See you all Friday, and thank you again for all of the love!**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	19. Make You Feel My Love

Skepticism. It allowed Alison to put distance between those who hurt her and her trust of them. It gave her the ability to love and support someone without being all in. She could remain skeptical while on her way to rebuilding trust.

Walking away from her mother's headstone, I realized all of this to be true. Even with Alison's body tucked tightly into me, my arm wrapped around her lower back while her hand connected with mine, she could say that she was unable to trust me because she was still skeptical.

It's what she was taught. It was all she knew.

Alison never needed to know that I had been behind her for much of the time she was speaking with her mother. She never needed to know that I felt the venom spewing from her words or that the precision she spoke with granted me access to her subconscious. Let me know that the Alison I knew in middle school had never actually left that bathroom seven years ago. A part of her, maybe even a more significant part of her I never truly knew, was still trapped inside. A part she couldn't let go of or she might lose part of her mother that she was desperately clinging on to.

Her strength came from being broken. Her love came from being disregarded. Her dedication came from being abandoned.

Jason drove us home before sending us inside alone so he could go and pick up lunch for all of us. As the front door opened, Alison walked straight to lie down on the couch silently. From the opening alcove, I watched her turn her head to the restroom on the first floor, shake her head lightly, and sigh in frustration at the events of the day. I walked past Alison to clean up from breakfast which I had been unable to do rushing out the door, and then changed out of my pjs which had been on far too long.

I figured that Alison needed some time to process the events of the morning. She had every intention of letting another June 28th pass without sharing her pain with me. Now that intention had been dismantled, and I could only assume that with it, she needed time to rebuild.

It took until that night lying in bed for Alison to start talking again. It must have taken time to process and then, I doubted that she wanted both Jason and me there to rehash everything. I understood; I was willing to wait.

"I'm sorry I never told you," Alison mumbled turning over to face me.

"I don't blame you at all, Alison." I brought her hand up to my chest, "Honestly, I don't know how you made it this long with no one but Jason knowing, babe. You should have never been put in that position."

She closed her eyes tightly, inhaling and exhaling in a timed pattern, "Is there something else that I should have done? Please tell me that I did the right thing."

"Hey…" I brushed my thumb on her cheek until her eyes opened, "You did all you could with the information you had."

"I know but –"

"No buts, Alison. The more I learn about all you did for your mother, the more in awe I become of you. You are amazing. Are you able to see that in all of this?"

She shook her head while closing her eyes again, so I continued, "Alison, you are the strongest woman I know. You raised yourself for a majority of high school. You helped Jason take care of your mother's estate. You've petitioned for emancipation, worked with investors to wisely spend your inheritance. You may have been forced to grow up early, baby, but you grew up to be the most amazing woman I know."

"And you're not alone anymore, Al. For as hard as the anniversary of this day is you are never going to have to remember June 28th without me by your side. I hold the story with you now too. I will never understand, but I will never let you walk through the memory of it alone, okay?"

* * *

_Feeling content was something I always took for granted. The good times, you know, the times that without a doubt were filled with more good than anyone could imagine tended to blow past me. Due to all of the rotten days of my past, I struggled to realize and appreciate the good when it was all I had to cling on to. The best way I knew how to differentiate was Emily. Emily was good. Both in spirit and in character. She was my good and never failed to ground me whenever the rest of my world tried to go off its tracks._

_Feeling fully content was even harder to trace, but easy to hold onto once found. Twenty-four hours before receiving that phone call from Mrs. Fields, Emily and I were content. We were up talking into the mid-morning, still nude from the night before. I had finished finals early and had driven down to UChicago to give Emily some "encouragement" through her last paper prior to packing up my place for our storage unit. We were draped between each other, the only real distinguishing factor between where my body started and hers began being our complexions. My thumb circled just below her collarbone as I stared at every inch of her skin. I had been biting my tongue for months, trying to find a natural way to bring up an extremely pressing topic going into year 5 of a relationship. But I had never found a way to make it work out, that is until that morning._

_"You think we'll still have time for this, Al?"_

_"What do you mean?" My eyes stayed glued to my fascination with how perfection could be contained in even the slightest connection between her shoulder blade and collarbone._

_She sighed, trying to hold back some of her thoughts, "In the future, will we still make time for mornings like this, or will that fall to the wayside because we'll be too busy?"_

_"If it's important to us, we will make time for it." I kept my eyes from facing hers completely. I could sense her hesitation still behind her words._

_"Okay then, it's important to me."_

_I tilted my head up to kiss her lightly, looking into her eyes as I pulled away, "If it's important to you, it's important to me. I will stay like this with you forever if that's what you need."_

_Her thumb danced over my arm fumbling for the light hairs on my skin, "And forever?"_

_"What about it, Emily?" I adjusted myself to rest against the headboard next to her concerned about where she was leading the conversation, "Are you worried about where we're headed? If I have led you astray for one minute, I want you to –"_

_"No, Alison. That's not it." Her voice trailed trying to find the words she was searching for, "I think I'm ready to talk about it." She placed her pointer finger on my ring finger, tracing the spot where a ring would go to hint subtly without saying the word marriage._

_Senior year of high school had been a rough time for the marriages of Rosewood. Not only had my parents gone through a vicious divorce three years earlier, but senior year saw the demise of both the Montgomery's and the Hastings' marriages, something Emily never saw coming. It sent fear through her. Four of the five of our parents' relationships had ended apart. Our previous talks of 'forever' fell out of the conversation because thinking about happiness that would last that long seemed unrealistic considering the circumstances around us. That was Emily's stance at least. I had become far more positive. Watching the stability of Emily's parents and the role models she had to live by, only instilled in me the utmost respect for marriage. I couldn't promise what ifs and the future, but I could promise to choose Emily daily. I could promise today. That was enough for me._

_Her apprehension mixed with my willingness sent a rift in our relationship that year. I can only assume that she was afraid about how certain I was that I wanted my first relationship to be my last. So I promised her I'd drop it. I promised that I would never bring it up again until she brought it up first. And so, I didn't._

_I smiled up at her endearingly, "Talk about what, Em? You know you have to say it before I'll reciprocate."_

_"I want to marry you." She stated proudly, before attempting to backtrack, "Not today or tomorrow or anything like that. I'm just not –"_

_I interrupted her spiraling with a kiss. "Emily, I love you. Please don't worry; I've only waited for this conversation for over three years."_

_"Really," she beamed. "I didn't make you wait too long?"_

_I replied facetiously, "I mean, I've had a few other offers but…" Emily sighed resting her head against mine, "Of course not, Em. I told you that I would still be here when you were ready. I'm still ready."_

_"Good." Emily smiled shyly, nodding into her lap. "So, what next? How do we even talk about this?"_

_"Are you now trying to be the shy one in this relationship? You know that's some bullshit, babe."_

_Emily laughed grasping for my hand, "I know, I know. Don't take this the wrong way at all, Ali. I just have never really seen myself being the kind of person that would propose…"_

_"Are you trying to get me down on my knees, Emily Fields?"_

_"Don't tempt me." She replied as I laughed into her shoulder not believing that this conversation was finally occurring. It had only happened countless times in my dreams; dreams that were finally becoming a reality, "I don't even know if that's a fair request to ask of you. Who knows what you have even pictured about this time or that day or our wedding? And here I am, already forcing something upon you."_

_I held one of Emily's hands between mine, "Of course I will propose, Emily. If that's what you want, or we can always just go pick out a ring and skip the whole question and answer portion. Whatever you want, Em. I want you; I'm in this for you."_

_She paused thinking back to all the times she had shoved the memory down since high school, "I want to be surprised, I think. But not in public, just us. Maybe a scenario like now?"_

_"Oh really?" I leaned forward teasing Emily's lips with my own as I reached my right hand behind me as if going for her nightstand drawer._

_Her eyes opened following my hand, "You're fucking kidding me, right?" Her hands moved to her mouth while I snapped back toward her empty-handed._

_"Yeah, I'm kidding you. I don't have that much foresight! This is the first time you've brought it up since you got drunk at that party Freshman year."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You don't remember? That is so rich, Em. You told me that night that you were "gonna marry the fuck out of me.'"_

_"Was I wrong?"_

_"Apparently not, but it was the first time you had mentioned anything in forever, so I've held on to it since then hoping that maybe you'd come back around. Come here." I moved to wrap my arms around Emily's waist to allow her to rest her head against mine, "So, if I'm the proposer, what ring am I supposed to get you?"_

_"Hmm… I guess something simple. One stone. Radiant cut, maybe? Silver band an –"_

_"Silver? I saw you more as a gold girl."_

_"Well, classic's always nice. But I think I would want our rings to match a little, and you would want silver. I know that's important to you."_

_I brushed my fingers through her hair, "We can have different band colors, Emily. This isn't about matching."_

_"Yeah, but you said it best: if it's important to you, it's important to me. The band doesn't really matter to me, but it does to you. So I defer."_

_Resting my lips on her scalp, I replied, "I love you. Did you have a timeline like for when I could propose?"_

_Emily turned to face me, both of the sides of our heads against the headboard, "I trust you. As long as my parents know, I trust that it will be when you know it's right."_

_"You have that much faith in me, lovebug?"_

_"Of course I do, Ali. I have all the faith in the world."_

_"No matter when that is, Em?"_

_"Yeah. Like I said, it could be tomorrow or 20 years from now."_

_She said the next sentence absentmindedly. Not knowing how wrong her words were when she said them — not knowing that only one day later, her world – our world – would start crumbling as we knew it._

_"Come on, Al. You know there's nothing that could ever break us."_

* * *

Six days after Emily found me screaming at a grave, I ambled my way back to the scene of my breakdown. Though I had been interrupted by Emily that day, I had every desire to finish the conversation I had intended to start. I had gone to the cemetery for a designed purpose: for healing, for growth, to be able to move on.

I was grateful for Emily and knowing that now, she knew everything. I knew her faults, and she knew all of mine. We saw each other's weaknesses and were determined to overcome them. I couldn't allow myself to remain alone in my fear and in my past. I had to extend all of myself to our relationship of nearly five years.

I believed in the depths of my heart that my mother and Emily's father were guiding us. Emily hadn't interrupted me without reason. We needed to get to the place we were now. Both of us needed to break down to be built up again.

Today the wind was blowing against my face. The sky was clear and the sun faded in and out behind thinly spread out clouds. Today was perfect. It was every sign I needed but hadn't recognized behind the anxiety of talking to my mom. Today, the world around me sensed my peace.

Though I had parked in the same spot and walked the same path, today was different. I paused part way through the headstones and looked down to speak.

"Hey, Mom. Thanks for listening the other day. I love you."

And with that, I kept walking. She had heard enough from me over the years. Also, if I stayed too long, I was sure that I would have been trapped once again in a never-ending cycle of questioning.

About 100 yards diagonally from my mother's grave was Emily's father's. Under an oak tree in the back corner of the cemetery. Dropping to my knees as I had in front of my mother's grave earlier in the week, I began speaking to him for the first time in close to four months.

"Hey, Mr. Fields. I'm so sorry for how your daughter's world has kind of crumbled since you've left. I promised you so much, and I have really struggled to fulfill your wishes for her. That's part of why I'm here I guess, to apologize. I'm still learning how to take care of someone else when they are at their weakest. I don't have a great track record at that, but I hope that through my actions you've seen that I'm not giving up. I will never give up."

"You know, I miss you a lot. I see so much of you in Emily. How her smile always starts on one side of her mouth before it catches on with the rest of her face. Her kind and gentle eyes which indicate concern and promise for everyone's lives she touches. She will make it through this because of you, and for that, I am so grateful for you."

"We all are fortunate that we were able to see you in March and that you were so present and focused on each of us throughout the week Emily and I were there. I doubt Emily can see how lucky she is right now, but compared to the months before my mom dying, we really lucked out."

"Well the last time we spoke, we talked about so, so much. I poured my soul out to you that night, Mr. Fields. I hope you realize that. I mean, you did too. Your love for Emily was so apparent. And I'm not going to bullshit you and say that these past almost two months haven't been incredibly challenging. I can already see us coming back together though. We're growing, and she's Emily again. She's your Emily. My love for her has never stopped. I know that she's going to face a world of struggles from here on out, but I've realized that I don't want her to have anyone but me beside her during them. I want to do right by her. Always."

I took a deep breath. June 28th was a day I had intended to revolutionize. Change from a day of heartbreak to a day of soul revival. But July 4th would have to be as good of a day as any.

"So, I know that I've already asked you. I know that you approve." I smiled, recalling back to our late-night porch conversation four months prior, "And I know that in March there was a lot that I was still unsure of, but I listened to what you said. I continued waiting until she brought it up. I mean, it was pretty shitty timing considering everything, but part of me thinks that maybe you timed it all perfectly. In the depths of my soul, I dream that your parting gift for Emily, knowing that losing you would break her beyond belief, was granting her the courage to discuss the first step of wanting to build a life together. That our conversation gave you confirmation that Emily would be taken care of like I promised you all those years ago. Maybe you let go because you knew she was finally ready for me to fill the role you had always provided for her."

"But you also told me that you wanted me to tell you when it was going to happen; you didn't want to be surprised. So, that's why I'm here. I'm really sorry that I got sidetracked earlier this week. I'm sure you were pretty bummed, but I wanted to keep this promise to you, even beyond your life."

I chuckled, wiping one tear away from my eyes as my heart pounded just as loudly as it had when I first asked, "But I made it back here, don't worry. We move back to Chicago in a month, and I've decided that I am going to do it then because she won't be expecting it. But I know that a lot has changed since March, so I wanted to ask you again, Mr. Fields. If she chooses me in return, I want to marry your daughter. Do I have your permission to propose on August 5th?"

I closed my eyes like I had the first time, feeling only a brief gust of wind in reply.

"I'll take that as a yes, and I'm so grateful I was able to ask in person the first time around," I smiled continuing, "And I'll talk to your wife as well, don't worry. I know that she already knows, but I'm sure she'll be just as anxious as I will be." I wrung out my hands as I stood, "Okay. I need to get back before Emily suspects anything. I'm "supposed to be driving Jason to the airport," but that will be our little secret, for now, okay?"

I turned to walk away with my hands in my pockets, pausing to say one last thing, "Our promise still stands, by the way. Thanks again… Dad."

And for the first time calling Emily's father 'Dad' finally felt right.

* * *

**A/N: Alright, everyone! The proposal foreshadowing through much of this entire story has finally been confirmed; feel free to go back and find all of the little Easter eggs strewn throughout/use this knowledge if you go back to understand Alison's perspective a little more.**

**I know this chapter does jump around a bit in terms of timeline, so as clarification: March - Asked Mr. Fields, May 5th(ish) - Emison Marriage Convo, May 6th(ish) - Phonecall that Mr. Fields passed, July 4th - Re-asks and confirms proposal date.**

**Anyways, next chapter will be this story's last... It's super bittersweet as I'm pretty confident that it will be the last chapter/story I write for these versions of Emily and Alison.**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive content already posted, and a brand new story being posted this week! Find me over there under this same name! **

**As always - Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	20. Tuesdays

Nothing terrified me more than the idea of going back to school. From leaving my mom to just going back to the same place where I found out I would never see my dad again, being ready to go back to Chicago was at the forefront of my mind. I went to Dr. Ives independently at least twice a week to work with her through the root of my addiction and the trauma associated with losing my dad. Though not a cure-all, by the time Alison and I were driving back to Chicago almost a month later, I felt more at peace than I had since early May. I had done what I needed to do to feel okay, not great. But slowly I was feeling more like myself.

Knowing that we would have to spend two straight days in a car together, Alison and I had spent the past few days before driving back to Illinois apart. It gave me time to be with my mom and make sure she was as ready as possible to spend the next year alone. It gave Alison time to get her house ready for her renters again. But more than that, it made us giddy to see each other again as we started this new adventure.

Our new Streeterville apartment fell almost exactly between our two campuses, giving us both the ability to commute and still feel like part of campus life. Walking into our relatively sizeable one-bedroom apartment, I immediately turned to spin Alison in my arms. The disbelief on our faces was palpable. We had made it to a moment we had first dreamed of over a year prior. The smile on her face appeared to be frozen as though she was taking a picture. Capturing a moment to live on forever.

I wondered what she saw in me today. Past the dark circles from the exhaustion from driving. Past the baggy sweatpants and t-shirt I was wearing. Past my hair thrown up in a bun.

I knew what I saw in her. I saw the little touches of her that were for me. Typically, Alison DiLaurentis would have never allowed us to move a majority of our furniture. She would be focused on the perfection she needed to exude. But for me, she dropped the pretenses. She wore fitted joggers and a t-shirt she had half tucked in not to look too messy. Her ponytail was pristine, but she intentionally was wearing no makeup so that I wouldn't feel apprehensive about not wearing any. She was effortless despite every choice she made being with me in mind.

As I set her down, I asked for some insight on her smile, "What are you thinking about, lovebug?"

"We made it. To today. To this." She replied, rubbing her hands on her pants as if nervous while taking a spin around our newly remodeled kitchen.

I walked over to the wall near the counter and leaned against it just to stare at the light exuding from her, "I love the way you look at the world, Al. The appreciation you have for each moment. It helps keep me grounded."

She walked back toward me running her hands down my arms before linking our palms together, "Aren't you just the cutest thing in the entire fucking world?"

With my nose resting against hers I replied, "You may have told me a time or two, but it's part of my therapy, you know. We have to keep building belonging and connection. I can only do that if I'm vulnerable with you. I wanted to appreciate you, for everything. But especially how you love the little moments."

"Little moments with you will forever be the best. We have so many more memories to make, beautiful." She kissed me with purpose. It was brief but intentional. It left me wanting more. "But we need to get the car unpacked. We don't have the space saved for very long. I'll race you!"

After unloading the boxes from our car, Alison had to make two trips back and forth from our storage building to get everything up to the apartment. Other than a slightly torn teal couch that my old roommate and her boyfriend stopped by to bring up, our apartment was filled with only boxes as movers were coming later in the week to bring the rest of the furniture.

We had split up into zones to maximize unpacking effectively. I had been assigned to organizing the clothes in the closet, while Alison made sure that the kitchen appliances were laid out instinctively for cooking. She blasted Pop radio, and though not in the room, I could only imagine her dancing to every beat of the music.

"Hey, Em?" Alison called to me from the living room, after shutting the music off, "I'm going to run downstairs to move the car from the loading zone before it gets towed. Can you come to lock the front door for me? I'm in a rush." I could hear a slight waver in her voice as she finished her sentence before I heard the door close from our bedroom.

Not wanting for Alison to come back and find the door unlocked despite her request, I quickly adjusted my frumpy t-shirt and shuffled to the front door. As my hand reached for the knob though, my eye quickly caught sight of an envelope taped to the back of the door.

_Emily_

I peeled the envelope off of the door hesitantly wondering what cheesy note my mother could have passed off to Alison to give to me. As I grasped it between my fingers though, it felt much heftier than any one-pager my mother could have packed along in our boxes. I opened the stack to find that the first page stated in bold letters:

**GO FIND A SEAT. THIS WILL BE A LONG ONE.**

I chuckled recognizing Alison's handwriting as I meandered over to my old sofa that was now a staple of our living room. It was just like her to have put together a cute note to start the next year of our relationship. I settled into the couch as I turned to the first page and fell deeply into her handwritten note.

* * *

_Oh hey there. It's me, your loving and radiant girlfriend. Alison. Just in case you forgot. God, this really is so embarrassing right now because I don't even know how to start something like this off._

_I love you so much._

_That's good, right? I can only assume that you're smiling and shaking your head right now. I'm sure you're the cutest thing in the world, curled up somewhere, knees tucked into your chest. But I can't really predict that because at the writing of this first letter (yeah, there's more) I actually have no clue when you're going to see this. This is Alison from the past writing to fill you in on a little known secret (at this point, I'm the only person who does know it)... Lean in close now, babe._

_Today on September 20, 2020, I have decided that I, Alison DiLaurentis, am going to marry you. I mean, I've known for a while, let's be real. But at around 2:30 this morning you finally brought up the idea of marriage after stating just a few months ago that you weren't sure you would ever want to. Yes, you were extremely drunk. Yes, I had just picked you up from a party where you vomited all over your clothes, and I had to get you redressed. But you also told me that, "someday [you were] gonna marry the fuck out of me." So here I am just letting you know that that sealed the deal for me._

_As of 5:53 pm on September 20, 2020, in my dorm room, I've decided that I'm yours. No matter how long it takes me to feel like giving you this first letter is right. God, I really hope that I'm not giving you this like 20 years from now and you're somewhere wondering what the fuck took me so long. No, that's not going to happen. If I had to guess we are either still in college, or have recently graduated. There's no way it's later than 2025 — otherwise my bad, lovebug._

_Anyways, welcome to the journey. The following letters will be key moments leading up to you reading all of these; I don't know when I'll write them or what scenarios they'll be about, but that's the fun of it! I'm on the ride along with you._

_Also, I feel like being that asshole that tells you that these letters will be stored in your dorm room throughout college next to the cleaning supplies. I know you'll never find them because I clean all your shit. So if you somehow find these before I want you to see them, you deserve it for finally grabbing some Lysol. Sorry, I had to. (They will seriously be kept there though.)_

_Can't wait to marry the fuck outta you too,_

_Ali_

_x_

_May 13, 2022 (I figured that I should start dating these for convenience sake)_

_Long time no talk. It's been like a year and a half, but don't you worry, you've only become insanely more attractive. You kind of had a shitty year tearing your arm and shit, but a critical conversation finally happened, babe! I'm in Rosewood right now for Jason's graduation (Yeah, it took him six years to graduate, but some things got in the way; we don't hold it against him.) which means you're back in the Chicago holding the fort down finishing up finals._

_Tonight your dad and I had another one of our talks. They are always a highlight, but after three years just talking about the latest news and some important things along the way, he finally asked me "What are your intentions with my daughter?" AFTER THREE YEARS BABE! I thought that by now it would have been obvious, but uh, I guess I talked about marrying you to your dad. Yikes. I let him know that he would know when I was going to propose and all, but it really threw me off. I've realized that the word "intentions" really just doesn't cover it. Let's make a promise to each other now never to ask our children's significant others that question. I'm sure that we'll have plenty of time to dream up something different._

_Anyways, it took everything within me to not just start gushing over you. How do you tell your future father-in-law (That has a great ring to it.) that I never want to love anyone else other than you? How do you talk about the peace I have waking up in your arms or the smallest moments where we sit in silence without any other thing in the world worrying us? I can't spill those secrets; I don't know if he would understand. So, I told him what I could._

_I told him the specifics of what we know: we want to have kids together, we want to raise them in Rosewood because I already have the house, and I would love to be with you forever if you would allow me to. And I also told him that we didn't really talk about marriage because you're unsure. I mean, I didn't tell him about you drunk that one night (see letter above) because I thought that might be in poor taste. But I think I also got my first token of approval from your family, too. Your dad told me that I'm the type of person that every father dreams of for their daughter because I take care of both you and your mom while he's away. That's pretty fuckin' cute, right? It's not the right time to ask if I can marry you someday, but we're making progress._

_If you asked me tomorrow, I would be yours forever,_

_Alison_

_x_

_March 18, 2023_

_Whelp, we are quickly moving forward in this saga. I'm sure you remember that it is Spring Break of our Junior year, just 10ish months since I last talked to your dad. He's home on leave to see your smiling little face before heading back out until we graduate next year._

_Anyways, I'm holding out on you. I'm not entirely sure how to do this because I want you to feel like you were there for this conversation. I didn't record it or anything but now looking back on it, damn it would've been a great idea. Well, I guess I'll do the best I can._

_It was earlier tonight and –_

_Emily and I had been in Rosewood for over five days, and I had chickened out at least a dozen times. My anxiety was at an all-time high and Emily was beginning to sense it._

_"Hey, babe? You gonna be alright out here tonight?" Emily asked, kissing my cheek and holding my hand close._

_"Of course; why do you ask?" I gulped during my response hoping that my pulse wasn't racing enough for her to feel it in my fingertips._

_"You've just been quiet tonight."_

_I looked in her eyes as intently as I could while feeling like I may pass out, "You know I get anxious before flying. We leave out early tomorrow, so I'm just thinking more than usual."_

_In all reality, I wasn't speaking because I genuinely feared that at any moment the question on the tip of my tongue would slip out at the most inopportune time. I wasn't anxious about our flight any more than I was anxious for the rest of our lives._

_Emily placed her hand on my cheek bringing me in for a brief kiss, "Don't stress too much, Al. Everything will work out; it always does."_

_She and her dad exchanged 'Goodnight's' before heading inside. We were leaving tomorrow morning. My anxiety had to subside. I had every intention of proposing to Emily before we graduated, or at least the weekend we did, and I had already promised Mr. Fields that he would know for sure that a proposal was coming. So I had to ask now before I didn't have a chance to do so in person._

_"Mr. Fields?" I asked with immense hesitation after our everyday moments of silence out on the front porch. He turned his face toward me without speaking, "Thank you for having us every time we're in town. I'm not sure you know how much Emily is always rejuvenated from seeing you both."_

_"I'm glad to hear that. Her mom and I get so excited when you both are headed into town. When you have only one child, it means everything to see them doing well. It makes us happy to see her so happy. For a while there, when she first came out in middle school through her Junior year when you started dating again, we worried about what the future held for her. We weren't the best parents in the world while we had to change the expectations for her life that we created, and those times were difficult for her. Seeing how far she's come, we both are so grateful that we don't need to worry about what the future holds. Our Emmy is going to be fine."_

_It was now or never._

_"Well, thank you. I never want you guys to question her future or her being taken care of. I'm sure you heard Emily and I talking before she went to bed about me being anxious and everything. I hope that my anxiety hasn't affected the week at all, but this conversation means a lot to me. I guess I'll just come out and ask, right? Okay, I wanted to ask you if I have your blessing to propose to your daughter?"_

_I closed my eyes automatically wincing while waiting for his response. My thoughts swarmed wondering if I had even gotten the words out right. Opening one eye subtlely, I saw Mr. Fields sitting across from me with his hands clasped together and head down._

_"You know Emmy's my little girl, right? She's the best and worst parts of me. Her effervescence. Her perseverance. Her drive. Her stubbornness. Her dedication. I raised her to be everything that I dreamed for her to be and when I sent her out into the world, I thought that would be it. I thought that the woman I had raised would continue to be great and wise because of everything her mother and I put into her..." He paused still looking down, but closing his eyes attempting to hold in tears, "But I never took into account the people she would encounter. We never took the time to realize how much friends, teachers, strangers would impact and mold the young woman we tried to idealize in our heads. We didn't take you, Alison, into account."_

_"I'm not sure what you're trying to say... Is that a yes?"_

_He chuckled, "Pam and I poured all that we could into our daughter and tried to shape her into someone worth knowing and worth having. But you, Ali –" he coughed before sitting up to meet my eyes, "Alison, you've made our daughter someone worth loving. You have seen her effervescence and taken her on every adventure she has desired. You have experienced her perseverance and drive, and you have never let her stop achieving every goal she puts her mind to. You have loved her through her stubbornness. You have put her first time and time again, Alison. Ultimately, it's Emily's decision to make, but Pam and I would be more than happy extend to you our blessing."_

_"Really?" I could feel my eyes light up and exhaled all of the breath I had been holding in all week._

_"Of course, Alison. You're already a part of our family. It's the easiest question I've answered in recent years. Do you happen to know when at all?"_

_I scooted down on the bench to be closer to his chair, "No, I don't know at all yet. I don't even have a ring, just a plan. I've had a plan for a while. I'm waiting for Emily to catch up."_

_"What do you mean by that?" He asked looking up at me._

_"Well, she hasn't actually confirmed that she ever wants to get married. I've talked about it many times, but she's more hesitant to after watching what happened to so many of our friends' parents."_

_"I do understand that. What makes you so sure then, dear?"_

_"I remember saying this the first time we spoke, but your daughter is the only person I've ever met who is worth the risk. She's all I see in the future, and I know that it will be hard. It has been hard already, but I can't ever imagine myself not seeing Emily at the end of all of this. She's all I need in the biggest and smallest moments. She's worth any pain or hardship because of all of the love and beauty behind how she loves. She's worth all of it, Mr. Fields."_

_"So are you worried that Emily will never be ready?"_

_"Sometimes, but... and I'm sorry if this is too much. But the mornings that we wake up next to each other and she leans over to say 'Good Morning,' I can see it. I can watch her falling in love all over again; I can see her choosing to be with me. When she comes down the stairs tomorrow morning, Mr. Fields, she's going to smile at me. You know, her crooked smile that turns up on the left side of her face. She'll walk toward me, kiss me gently, and trace the side of my nose with the bridge of hers. She may never be ready for marriage. If those moments are all I get from her for the rest of my life, that's enough for me. But if she's ready tomorrow, I wanted to have your blessing just in case you're away when it happens."_

_"We appreciate that, Alison. I have two things to ask of you though."_

_"Yes, sir?"_

_"You need to speak to my wife before you propose, and you need to let us each know what day it will happen when you know of course."_

_"Of course I can do that. Is it okay if it's years from now?"_

_"Yeah, Alison. Wherever you can get ahold of me, just let me know. We will be ready when she is."_

_And then Em, your dad pulled me in for a hug. His arms wrapped around me entirely and told me how much he loves us both. So, I must have done a pretty good job! I scurried up to the guest room and wrote this letter as soon as I could._

_So now, I'm waiting on you, babe. I hope you don't make me wait forever, but I will be patient just in case._

_Patiently waiting,_

_Al_

_P.S. It's now the next morning, and today when you walked down the stairs, smiled and came to kiss me, your Dad and I made eye contact as you walked to the kitchen. I'm not sure if he understood why I would wait forever when I said it last night, babe. But after this morning, I think he's convinced. Love you._

_x_

_May 3, 2023_

_I can't stop smiling. It's just past 2 pm, and you left for a final about 20 minutes ago. This was the first chance I've had to be alone since yesterday. Yesterday morning, May 2nd, you told me that you want to marry me. It took everything within me to not call your mom immediately to let her know that I was proposing as soon as possible, but I figured that I should keep my cool._

_You were so adorable though, babe. I wish you had a bird's eye view of your hair kind of thrown over the top of your head in this weird little combover and one small smudge of your makeup under your eye that you forgot to get off. You would've hated bringing up the whole thing if you knew you hadn't looked how you pictured, but it was perfect. You traced my finger, and I nearly melted in front of you. You also had no memory of getting drunk which was the catalyst of all these letters, and you still have no idea. Sorry for keeping all of this a secret, but it'll be worth it in the end, right?_

_It's all coming together, lovebug. Nothing can stop us now. I can't wait to call your mom and dad to let them know that we're on our way to forever._

_More and More,_

_Alison_

_x_

_June 20, 2023_

_EDIT: Hey Em, sorry for the lack of continuity. I really struggled trying to figure out if I wanted to keep this letter in here. But it's part of the story, I guess. You know when this was. Feel free to take the sticky note off, or not read this one at all if you want. The next one is happier. Promise._

_Well, fuck. I can't help but laugh at the irony of the last sentence of the previous letter. No less than 3 hours after writing that, we got the call about your dad. I found out that I was never going to be able to tell him that you had come around, that the future he meticulously imagined for you was on its way to coming true._

_Not that it fucking matters now. I'm not sure who we've become over the past month, babe. It's been hard, but you're sober right now. Sleeping next to me for the first time in ten days. We haven't spoken about it all yet, but I'm sure that we will. That's who we are._

_But we've taken steps backward. You've taken steps backward. You were ready to marry me over a month ago. Then 11 or 12 days later, you decided that pills were more important. Sorry, that was low. Maybe true, but low._

_Looking over at you now though, I still see the parts of you that I love. You still look like the woman I fell in love with. You still have all the markings and characteristics (and the constant mouth breathing while you sleep). But lovebug, I worry that you're not the same person inside. That something broke when we got that phone call and instead of trying to repair it, you glued it back together with Vicodin and grief._

_I guess I'll find out over the next few weeks if everything is still meant to be. I love you just as much, but am struggling to find a way to move past all of this. I wish your dad were here to help talk me through this. His words are the only things that echo through my ears anymore._

_I can't give up. He wouldn't want me to. Please don't give up either, Em. I need you to stick around._

_Let's see what bullshit happens next,_

_Al_

_x_

_June 28, 2023_

_A lot has happened over the past eight days, Em. I'm sure you know that to be true. Tonight was big for me even if you were unable to feel it. It has been one hell of a day for me for a long, long time. I wish that I had a good reason for why I never talked about its significance with you. I know it's not okay, but keeping pieces of my mom to myself make me feel more secure in her still being around. Like maybe if I never walk into her bedroom again, she could still be in there waiting for me. It's my own Schrodinger's Cat of a story I tell myself. Part of me also just wanted you to think that I had escaped some of that grief. That my mom's death doesn't vibrate through my pulse every day. That maybe someday, you can escape the heartbreaking memories of loss too._

_But if we're going to do this. If I am going to be your wife and propose and be yours, you have to know that some days I am still that girl in my downstairs bathroom. Some days I'm right back in that bathtub holding my mother's lifeless body begging for her to wake up from her stupor. And some days I'm still by her bedside, whispering in her ear, allowing her to let go. Before today, I believed these all to be weaknesses. That parts of my story were an inconvenience to the remarkable life we are bound to lead together. But I think I had it all wrong._

_By telling you all of my insecurities and weaknesses and heartbreak, we move closer to being one._

_You're almost three weeks sober today, and I'm starting to see glimpses of you in your words. I haven't lost as much of you as I once thought. You lost your way more than I lost you. But you said something tonight that captured me; it brought me right back to zero. Right back to speaking to your father four months ago. Four words. Four months._

_"You are not alone."_

_The thought of ever being alone again is a luxury I've never been able to cope with. You are a luxury, Emily. Being with you by your side is the greatest blessing I will ever have._

_As far as I'm concerned, we are back on track. I love you and appreciate your care and honesty._

_If only I knew what was happening next,_

_Alison_

_x_

_July 8, 2023_

_Things are moving fast over here, Em. From the outside, I'm sure it seems slower moving and pretty consistent in terms of therapy and family dinners and girl's nights, but don't be fooled. This afternoon you are at therapy, and then I booked you a massage in celebration of being 30 days sober next week._

_But it all was a rouse of sorts so that I could talk to your mom. Though I am insanely proud of you and intend to prove just that when you get home tonight... but let's not digress, or trust me, babe, I'd be here all day. Anyways, I did know that your dad had already spoken to your mom and filled her in, but with all that has happened, she plays just as big of a role. Also, we both know that your mom is more outspoken than even I am when it comes to issues regarding you._

_I planned with her ahead of time to bring lunch to your house a little after you left and stood nervously tapping my foot as I waited for the front door to open –_

_For as nervous as I thought I was months ago sitting on their front porch, nothing compared to the nerves filling my body as I stood in front of Emily's house that Saturday. Though no one typically wears jackets during July in Pennsylvania, I figured it would be a necessity to cover any potential sweat stains seeping from my pores even if I was not looking my best. Looks would have to wait._

_"Hey Alison," Mrs. Fields answered lovingly as she opened the door before enveloping me in a hug, "Thank you for bringing lunch over today. Saved me a trip to the store until tomorrow."_

_"It's the least I could do, Pam." I reciprocated internally scrolling through the script I had been outlining in my head since the days after I ask her father again for his permission._

_We walked over to the dining room table and sat perpendicular to one another as we began munching on our sandwiches from The Grille._

_"So, I think you may know why I'm here. We talked about it on the patio the day you found out about Emily. You asked me if everything was still the same with us."_

_She nodded while finishing chewing the pickle in her mouth, "Oh you did catch that correctly. With everything going on, I wasn't sure if I had been forward enough."_

_"No, no. I had figured that you probably found out shortly after I spoke to your husband in March."_

_Mrs. Fields laced her hands together after setting down her sandwich, "I did, Alison. And unlike my husband, I ha –"_

_My head immediately went to my hands, "I knew it. You think we're too young or that this is too soon or that I'm naïve. Do you think I'm not the right person for your daughter? What is it? Please, just tell me. We will work on whatever you need to be more comfortable. I had always thought that you and Mr. Fields were on the same page when it came to Emily and me getting mar-"_

_"Sweetheart, pause. Let me finish. Don't go down the rabbit hole; I'm right here." She replied to my laments calmly, resting her hand on my wrist. "Unlike my husband, I had taken you into account." I stared at her listening to the small quotes she was grabbing from my conversation with Mr. Fields, "From the first time I met you and watched Emily interact with you, I took you into account. At that time, of course, I had no true conception of connecting Emily with the LGBT community. I only saw how she interacted with you and that it was different than with other friends I had met. She has treated you delicately since you first met, like something to be treasured. So when Emily did come out to us at the end of 7th grade, I always had you in mind. Even through all of the girls she first drug through this house."_

_"You'll know this to be true when you both have children of your own, but from the moment Emily was placed in my hands, I developed an idea of what her entire life would be. From the highs and lows to the times we would have together to the people she would bring home to introduce into our lives. And in my mind, the time I had with her as my little girl was infinite, or would at least last until she went to college. It's no fault of your own Alison, but that idea was lost when I watched my daughter fall madly in love at the age of 14. To see her find her forever before I was ready to give her to anyone else. Which doesn't explain my disgusting behavior in the first few years you dated. I think I was scared of watching my daughter willingly to take a risk. To watch her jump and not know if you would be there to catch her on the other side."_

_Her voice cracked as she continued, gripping my hand close, "But I knew it would always be you, Alison. I knew it from the first time her brown eyes connected with yours in front of me. You were special. You were important. Unlike my husband, I always took you into account. I would never think that you are the wrong person for my daughter. I have known longer than you both have that you are the only person for her. I hope that makes sense."_

_I nodded silently with tears in my eyes, "That's why you were so upset when we got back together. You had been told I broke her heart..."_

_"Exactly. I had already woven you into our lives once only to think that you had ripped out each stitch one by one. I had to erase and rewrite all I knew. I held a lot against you that I shouldn't have."_

_"That makes sense. I'm relieved that it was never me that was the problem."_

_"No, never. Whoever Emily decided to be with was going to go through me having to shift my ideals for her future."_

_"That's good to hear, Mrs. Fields – Pam. I told your husband that I would let you both know when I was going to propose though," I paused as her head cocked to the side, "I spoke with him on Tuesday already. It will be when we move-in next month. I want to catch her off-guard a little bit. Surprise her."_

_She smiled widely, "So she's ready now?"_

_I continued chuckling as I spoke, realizing the elation spilling from my words, "Yeah. We've talked about it, and she's ready. We've been through a lot these past two months, but I can see our strength coming through the other side. I've known for almost three years that I wanted to marry your daughter, but I knew we needed to be older and more secure..."_

_"It'll be five years in October right?"_

_"Yeah, and because October has been such a big part of our story for anniversaries and such, I think that she thinks it would happen then. Never the random weekend we're moving in. But I want our first memory in our first place to be something she will never forget. I want her to know that I wanted the first chapter of this new start is filled with commitment and dedication. I want this beginning also to represent an end of sorts, you know?"_

_"It makes complete sense to me. I'm proud of you guys; you've made it through so much, my dear. Emily is lucky. Her father and I are lucky to have you."_

_"Thank you so much, Pam. You both have been so transformative in me becoming the best woman I could be for your daughter. You have taught me so much in the ways of kindness and open-heartedness, not to mention that you had one of the most healthy relationships I've ever had the pleasure to witness."_

_She laughed getting absorbed in whatever memories of her husband first flooded back, "It took patience."_

_"It never seemed to. I asked him this as well, but do you have any advice for me? I guess more so for us?"_

_"For us, a large portion of the year was spent apart. So the time we had together was crucially important. I think knowing that he, no matter the personality or energy that he came home with, was enough. He was enough. My husband, as he was, was more than enough at the moment. Knowing that he was doing and giving all he could when he was home for me, for Emily, for you in the later years, that was enough even if he was unable to do every single little tiny thing I may have loved or expected. His presence in every moment was what I actually needed."_

_"I love that... Her presence. I get that. It's that point of connection, not necessarily the finite details but the intention behind it."_

_"Exactly." A silence fell between as we relished in the memories we held of those we loved, "Do you happen to have a ring picked out?"_

_I shifted in my seat giddily reaching into my back pocket, "Ooh yes, actually! This is what I purchased."_

_I placed the petite box in front of my future mother-in-law to allow her to open it. Though Emily had given me some distinct specifications, I had also taken my liberties to provide her with a ring that I truly believed she was worthy of._

_"Oh, Alison. It's beautiful. Did you need any help payi-"_

_I reached my hand out to stop her, "No, Pam. There's no need for you to help. We have to do this on our own."_

_Mrs. Fields nodded, "Okay... please just let me know. I know that weddings can be expensive, and I am willing to help as much as I can considering."_

_"You're saying all of this as though you know she is going to say 'yes' without question."_

_"I mean, Alison..."_

_I laughed, "Okay, you're right. I'm sure that Emily and I can find a way for you to help contribute. We appreciate it. A lot."_

_"Anything for my daughters..." she trailed off, squeezing my hand as the confirming indication that our relationship had shifted during the conversation._

_But I think she's excited for us, babe. I never expected her reaction to be so different from your dads. I guess she was around more often, but it is scary to think that she saw us before we did. That maybe she was our biggest fan before we knew we needed one._

_You are a dream. And following the advice of your mother..._

_You are more than enough,_

_Ali_

_x_

_August 5, 2023_

_Today is the day. It took everything within me to not write you a letter daily filling in all the blanks. Let's see, what are some crafty things I've done that I'm proud of since my last note?_

_\- Meeting up with the girls to discuss the engagement WHILE you were Skyping with Hanna (she's been in on this for weeks and more than once she's been provided with a time requirement so that I could get things accomplished. Sorry if you thought she really wanted to talk to you for 2+ hours; it was all me... just kidding. Mostly.)_

_\- Packing these letters up in our car under the title 'Cleaning Supplies' because (once again), you'd never look in there ever._

_\- You know how we talked about installing a security system inside our place, and I promised that I would buy and install it all myself? Yeah, that box labeled 'Ring.' Let me tell you, babe, that's not just the location of our new alarm. No, you can't walk that way now. I'll do that part, okay?_

_I think that's all that I can think of on top of my head while you're in the shower. We're on the home stretch of our excursion back to Chicago. Hours to go until forever._

_It's been almost three full years since I started this venture. Three entire years that I dedicated every sunset to make sure you were mine. I'm sorry that I've been a little shaky all day (this is an assumption; if I've been confident as hell, I apologize for that too). But I took so many things into account._

_You wanted us to be alone._

_You wanted me to propose._

_You wanted your parents to know._

_You wanted it to mean something._

_I guess all that's left is for you to look back up toward the door I told you to lock (which I'm sincerely hoping you never got to because you found this letter)._

_See you in 3... 2... 1...,_

_Your fiancée_

* * *

Holding my tears back with the small part of one of my fingers, though some had already slipped through, I looked back up toward the door where one of Alison's eyes could barely be seen peeking in.

"Are you all done?" she asked, quietly as I nodded silently in response.

I watched her shuffle over to the box labeled 'Ring,' which made me internally roll my eyes as she pulled a small velvet box out of some sort of hiding place.

She exhaled as she turned back toward me, "Also, this was the last part I took into account, which you never mentioned but I knew you'd appreciate." She motioned up and down to draw attention to what she was wearing, spinning around for added effect. The joggers. The t-shirt. The ponytail. The lack of make-up. She knew it's what I would have wanted: for me to see her when I saw her at her most vulnerable. Her most beautiful.

Alison walked toward me, hands extended while I sat frozen on the couch. She laughed as she reached me, "You're going to have to stand for this part, lovebug." She lightly lifted me to my feet before leaning in to kiss me on the cheek.

"Hey..." she started, "I know that those letters are a lot, but I do have more. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is, Al," I replied, tears cascading before words could even be formed.

She cleared her throat before obviously scanning through the words in her head for exactly what she wanted to say, "I fell in love with you on a Tuesday. Sitting next to you on your bedroom floor, looking up at you in awe. I saw you in a different light than most other people from that angle. I saw you searching for the right thing to say. I saw you find the courage to kiss me for the first time. I fell in love with you around this time seven years ago before I even knew we had a shot. I fell in love with you before I knew all that was to come and before I knew who we would become through all of this."

"It warms my heart to know that I was able to achieve all of your wishes for this moment before I even knew what you wanted. July 4, 2023. I didn't write a letter; I was too emotional. But that's when I told your dad about this moment. When I earned his approval all over again. Before that though, back in March, I asked for his advice just like I asked your mom."

She looked down briefly to pull a slip of paper out of her pocket. "This is what he said. I wrote it down to quote. Your dad told us, you and me, "Loving someone takes time and effort and desire. As it passes, it is easy to remember the wedding day, or the worst fight, or the last time you made up again. But love is not the moments that stick out in your memory. It is not always extraordinary. Love is the small, all too ordinary moments. Never forget to love my daughter during the smallest of times. When she looks over at you to wink. When she finds your hand underneath the table during a family dinner. When you look at her and finally feel right with the world. Love is not you at your best. Love is not you at your worst. Love is who you both choose to be every moment in between."

"I had planned to use this in a letter," she explained, folding it back up between her fingers, "But considering everything, I figured that now was a better time." She cleared her throat, grabbing my hands tightly and looking serenely into my eyes, "There's so much I had planned to say that is just escaping me right now."

I looked down at the letters sitting on the couch cushion, "I think you thought of plenty to say, babe."

"No, I know. I just have planned this for so long... I want it to be perfect."

I placed my thumb on her jaw, cupping her face in my hands, "You already are, Al."

She pulled away reacting as though a light bulb had gone off internally, "Ooh! Just remembered..." she took another deep breath, "I remember it being the summer before Freshman year before either of us had any inclination that we would be in this moment right now. And that summer it felt impossible; love felt impossible. I struggled even understanding what emotions might be necessary to truly love someone because I thought I had seen it before my parent's destruction and before everything that happened around me. And so standing here today, it's hard to believe. I love you like I didn't know possible. More and more. Through everything."

"I fell in love with you on a Tuesday, but I also continued to fall in love with you every day after that. You're indescribably all I need. You challenge me. You cherish me. You walk with me side by side. You make me better, babe. I've waited almost three years to ask you this, but if you'll have me..."

And with that, Alison knelt on one knee, opening the red velvet box in her hand. But looking at her was all I could do. Noting each part of this memory I wanted to etch into my brain from the feeling of her fingers loosely tangled in mine to the glow on her face from the sunset through our window to her smile stretching from ear to ear.

"Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Emily Fields, will you marry me?"

She looked up at me with her blue eyes beaming. The culmination of five years of hard work, love, and laughter. I leaned down toward her, pausing mere inches from her lips to whisper, "You know I will."

She pressed her lips to mine without a second thought, standing as we were mid-embrace. I could feel the tension and anxiety from the years of planning melting away through our kiss, grounding her back into the reality of our forever.

She squealed as we pulled away, "Oh, thank God that's over with. I thought I was going to die." She leaned back, pulling the ring out of the box to place on my finger.

I kept my right arm wrapped around her waist as I stared intently at her, "I can't even believe you, Alison."

"Were you surprised?" she questioned, leaning back in to kiss me gently.

"I can't believe you did all of that. That's so much time, so many letters."

"You're worth every single word, Em. All of it and more, but speaking of surprises, I may not have followed all of your instructions perfectly..." her voice trailed as she walked past me and toward the mantle.

"What are you talking abou-"

I stopped in my tracks as I watched Alison pull her phone out from behind a frame, "I put you in the right angle, right?" she spoke into the phone, "You saw it all? Great. Oh, wait. Em, say hi to your mom." She turned the phone toward me as my mom sat crying on the screen.

"Hey, Emmy! Congratulations!"

"Mom..." I gasped, as Alison pulled me to sit back on the couch. "You were there the whole time?"

"Of course! I wouldn't have missed this for the world, my dear. How are you feeling?"

I turned to Alison, placing my nose by her temple, "I'm not really processing it."

"That's okay, Emmy. It'll take a little bit. Alison, sweetheart?" she asked through the phone.

"Yes, Pam?"

"You did a wonderful job. Congratulations and welcome to the family!"

Alison wiped tears away from her eyes as she reached for my hand, "Pam, do you have anyone else there with you?"

She asked the question as though it were an afterthought, but I slowly watched as my mom pulled the camera away from being right on her face. As the background came into view, I knew exactly where she was. There was the black fence. There was one of the main streets of Rosewood. And behind my mother, who was seated on that little stone bench, was the oak tree.

"Dad?" I asked, reaching for the phone in Alison's hand.

And that's when it hit me — the crux of everything that had occurred over the past three months. I had gone from being whole to being broken and back again because of a lot of hard worth and the woman sitting beside me. My fiancée. Fuck, that felt good to hear.

"Alison wanted me to make sure he was there too, Emmy. After everything that's happened, we decided he deserved to see it all."

"Yeah..." I tried to speak, choking out words as I looked at his grave, "I'm happy he did. He meant a lot to each of us. It means to world that you went out there, Mom."

"It was a special request from my future daughter-in-law. How was I supposed to say no?" she laughed as she replied.

"I love you so much," I muttered turning toward Alison and reaching across her to hold her cheek close. Feeling the coldness of metal from my ring finger onto her cheek, "I can't even believe we're engaged, Ali."

We kissed for a few moments before my mom started attempting to interrupt, "Okay, ladies! I'm going to leave you to it. Congratulations again! Your dad and I love you both tremendously and – "

"Wait." Alison cut her off, "Don't hang up yet. Thank you both for your blessing, but I also wanted to say one more thing to your husband..." She moved closer to me before placing the phone in her hand again, "Mr. Fields, our promise still stands..."

Over the past few years, I had heard Alison tell my father that frequently. They closed out conversations with it. Some of the letters she wrote to him included that after the P.S., but I never questioned it. I saw how dear their relationship was and knew that some secrets are best kept hidden, but this promise extended beyond the grave. A promise that withstood time. After all of these years, she still intended to keep it. I had always wondered what could have been so important. What aspect of my dad's, or even Alison's life was so crucial that a commitment was made to ensure that it was never broken? But as I finished my thoughts, Alison continued, answering my question without it needing to be spoken aloud.

"Mr. Fields, our promise still stands. Before anything else, I will always take care of your daughter."

Me. The promise was for me. To be taken care of. To be loved. To not have to go through this world alone. I leaned my head against Alison's shoulder in serenity.

"Bye, girls. Have a great night! Congratulations again."

Hanging up the phone, Alison and I sat in silence with my left hand extended between us both staring at our future. There was a peace that came with forever. Comfort in the understanding that we were together. That the world around us and the outside forces hadn't torn us apart. That we were stronger than our hardest battles.

Alison's fingers danced lazily through the small hairs on the back of my neck perfectly content with reality. "I hope it was all you dreamed about, Emily."

I picked up the letters that had been moved to the coffee table, thumbing back through the pages, "I mean, this? I can't even believe it. It was perfect, Al." I leaned away from her so that she would lift her head off of my shoulder. "One more thing..."

She stared at me confused as I started inching my face back closer to her, mimicking the exact moves that led to our first kiss almost seven years ago in my childhood bedroom. I pressed my right thumb just below her cheek tracing my finger across her face to tuck hair behind her ear, before detailing every inch of her jawline as I trailed down toward her chin raising it gently so that her eyes met mine.

I leaned back into her pausing to whisper before capturing her lips in mine, "Because I don't remember saying it the first time, I just wanted to confirm... I can't wait to marry the fuck out of you, Alison DiLaurentis."

* * *

**A/N: And there you have it. It has been an honor writing for you all. Thank you for entrusting me with characters you love and following me throughout this journey. You all are remarkable. If interested, please go check out my other stories on this site! There is another completed story _Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams_ fully available, and I am posting chapters of _Kingdom Come Undone_ on Sundays and Thursday. Please jump in!   
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**I am also sincerely hoping that someone along the way realizes the juxtaposition between Emily at the end of Chapter 14? (Happy & Sad) saying that someday she wanted to be worthy of a letter from Alison when in reality letters were already being written for her. She was already worthy years before she realized it.   
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**Also, a forever shoutout to my top-tier Patreon supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8 for their support. Exclusive and original content and stories are posted there under this same username. I hope you all enjoy the content over there :)  
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**As always, Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.  
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**Until the next one,**

**secretpen28**


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